I just want the pain to end. I did everything I was told. I studied hard. Got good grades, went to good schools. Still I cannot seem get a fug_ing job. I am just fuc_ing lonely. Fucked up my social skills for school. Now look at me, begging for help that doesn’t exist because I live in piece of shit world where empathy only exists in fiction.
In retrospect, I don’t even have hope left.
I guess, this is all I have left. This is it.
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I read here the other day from someone feeling bad. They said they didnt want their life to end, only that they wanted life as they know it to end. I think that has powerful meaning that life will not always be like it seems today and that change is always possible.
Thanks for that. It is true that I want the life as I know it to end. I can’t just figure out how. I am stuck in this limbo, where I can’t seem to change who I am or my circumstances. And I don’t like who I am at all.
The world is indeed a busted place. But YOU are incredible. Life is gorgeous and all around you in an impossible number of flavors and variations. If this shit world ever gives you a breath to indulge in it, I recommend. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. It doesn’t even have to be outside.
You, yourself, are the only you there will ever be. And I know you’re incredible. Please be patient until you learn that too.
I find it rather hard to indulge when all I can feel is pain. Thank you, though.
It’s fucked. I dont have a way forward or out, but I can commiserate. The isolation’s all consuming, there’s no underlying community or village despite that being a core human need. It’s like all of the structures of childhood were performances, not preparation for our futures.
Please call 988 if you live in the US.
I’ve been where you are.
Please, just call.
No, I don’t live in US.
Hey, I don’t know what you’re going through, or how much pain you’re in, but I understand wanting it all to stop. I’m over 30 and I’ve lived with lifelong depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.
I just want you to know that the way you’re feeling now doesn’t have to be the way you’ll always feel. There is help available through therapy, psychiatric medication, and even new treatments like TMS. I used to believe that I could never feel better, and had even planned my own death before. Thanks to my treatments, there are some days where I’m happy to be alive, and on those days all the pain I’ve experienced seems worth it. What’s even better is that those days seem to be more and more frequent as I keep working on my mental health.
If you want some practical advice, want to know what seeing mental health providers is like, or you just want to vent then I’d be happy to talk with you.
It’s not just about depression. I have run out of hope. I have no strength left in me to live. 4 years of therapy and medication led to nothing. I have run out of energy to be like this anymore, fucked up idiot with nothing to live for…
I’ve also been where you are. Sometimes life is just very exhausting and feels like way too much work for no payoff. But it can get better. If I can work my way out of the deepest self loathing and depression pit, you can. There are a lot of drugs out there, it took me years and dozens of tries to find one that finally worked (an NDRI). And it took me even longer to find a good therapist (which I know is very difficult, good therapists are really hard to come by). But it can happen. Getting outside every day for a little vitamin D, eating healthy, and regular excercise are great first steps to getting yourself a little more energy and feeling a little more like you can handle daily trials. Also, regular sleep. Getting on a sleeping pill, to be able to choose when I sleep and for how long, drastically improved my mood and energy levels.
And time really helps. You said you’re feeling hopeless and want to give up. But honestly, the resignation got me started on the right path. If nothing helps and there’s nothing you can do, you might as well keep going. The time is gonna pass anyway. You’re going to die someday and it’s your choice if you decide to end it sooner, although I’d really encourage you to call a suicide hotline before you go through with that decision because you could not only be hurting yourself but people who may love you. Whether you believe it or not. It will hurt someone. But why not stick around and just let life take it’s course? If it’s all hopeless, why not just let it play out and see where this ride you can’t control takes you? Maybe it’s always miserable, but that’s nothing you haven’t dealt with already, right? You won’t always have the strong feelings you’re going through now. It will pass.
I am not going to kill myself. 92% of suicide attempts fail. Evolution has made sure of that. I just don’t have energy to try to improve my life. I just want to give up on living.
Yeah dude, life can really really suck sometimes. Sometimes it can suck for quite a while too. But it doesn’t suck forever, and when you get out of it, you’re able to look back and see that it was worth sticking around. It’s impossible to look forwards to see that though. It’s important to realise that. It’s a bleak future until you get there and experience it’s actually not bleak.
Sure, you don’t have hope. You don’t need to. A better future is coming whether you hope for it or not. It’s inevitable.
In the meantime, you gotta keep yourself busy. Wallowing only makes it worse. Try to get a minimum wage job, anything to keep you busy. The world sucks, but maybe you’re the one who can make it better for everyone. Try volunteer at a homeless shelter or kitchen.
I know in this time it’s really hard to motivate yourself. You gotta do it. Do something. Even if you just start walking for several hours a day. Torrent some audiobooks and start walking. Doing will help the feeling.
Just do it.
I have been working on a project fairly regularly. It’s there at: github.com/lokitkhemka/jetFramework
I have been going jogging 4 times a week for 6 months now. It doesn’t help. It never does. I also read fairly regularly, almost every night. Life doesn’t improve in this p.o.s world, despite working your butt off.
Jobs are pretty over rated anyway. What do you like? Maybe just try some new things. You’ll meet people along the way.
