I just want the pain to end. I did everything I was told. I studied hard. Got good grades, went to good schools. Still I cannot seem get a fug_ing job. I am just fuc_ing lonely. Fucked up my social skills for school. Now look at me, begging for help that doesn’t exist because I live in piece of shit world where empathy only exists in fiction.
In retrospect, I don’t even have hope left.
I guess, this is all I have left. This is it.
Hey, I don’t know what you’re going through, or how much pain you’re in, but I understand wanting it all to stop. I’m over 30 and I’ve lived with lifelong depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.
I just want you to know that the way you’re feeling now doesn’t have to be the way you’ll always feel. There is help available through therapy, psychiatric medication, and even new treatments like TMS. I used to believe that I could never feel better, and had even planned my own death before. Thanks to my treatments, there are some days where I’m happy to be alive, and on those days all the pain I’ve experienced seems worth it. What’s even better is that those days seem to be more and more frequent as I keep working on my mental health.
If you want some practical advice, want to know what seeing mental health providers is like, or you just want to vent then I’d be happy to talk with you.
It’s not just about depression. I have run out of hope. I have no strength left in me to live. 4 years of therapy and medication led to nothing. I have run out of energy to be like this anymore, fucked up idiot with nothing to live for…
I’ve also been where you are. Sometimes life is just very exhausting and feels like way too much work for no payoff. But it can get better. If I can work my way out of the deepest self loathing and depression pit, you can. There are a lot of drugs out there, it took me years and dozens of tries to find one that finally worked (an NDRI). And it took me even longer to find a good therapist (which I know is very difficult, good therapists are really hard to come by). But it can happen. Getting outside every day for a little vitamin D, eating healthy, and regular excercise are great first steps to getting yourself a little more energy and feeling a little more like you can handle daily trials. Also, regular sleep. Getting on a sleeping pill, to be able to choose when I sleep and for how long, drastically improved my mood and energy levels.
And time really helps. You said you’re feeling hopeless and want to give up. But honestly, the resignation got me started on the right path. If nothing helps and there’s nothing you can do, you might as well keep going. The time is gonna pass anyway. You’re going to die someday and it’s your choice if you decide to end it sooner, although I’d really encourage you to call a suicide hotline before you go through with that decision because you could not only be hurting yourself but people who may love you. Whether you believe it or not. It will hurt someone. But why not stick around and just let life take it’s course? If it’s all hopeless, why not just let it play out and see where this ride you can’t control takes you? Maybe it’s always miserable, but that’s nothing you haven’t dealt with already, right? You won’t always have the strong feelings you’re going through now. It will pass.
I am not going to kill myself. 92% of suicide attempts fail. Evolution has made sure of that. I just don’t have energy to try to improve my life. I just want to give up on living.