I decided I would be willing to date a non-vegan since despite the conveniences and shared ethics of other vegans, it can be hard to find them in general, and maybe I could influence people positively, though probably without any expectation for them to go vegan (but still hoping society will move toward it one day anyway).
But online questions asking people (non-vegans) if they would date a vegan really shocked and surprised me when most of the answers were no, mostly for reasons of inconvenience and a fear of being pulled into veganism. This leaves me feeling like finding other vegans may be my only option after all. Is this somewhat accurate?
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Locking this thread for now, because there seems to be some omni-trolling happening and I’ll be heading to sleep rather than patrolling this thread. Please read the “What is Veganism?” part of the sidebar before commenting, thanks!
I (or someone else) will unlock it when all the comments have been moderated and when people stop trolling. Seriously, this is a vegan community not a plant based diet one.
Edit: Unlocked. Please don’t conflate vegan and plant based and remember that veganism is NOT a diet!
Hi, I just wanted to ask something (not specifically related to this thread actually). It seems like most people in this community are non-vegans rather than vegans. Would that be accurate?
I think the people who are subscribed are vegan, but it takes one omni to start a huge comment thread and then the post gets more visible and they all turn up here to commit some veganbashing
I think on a rather small platform like Lemmy it is inevitable that non-vegans find their way into a vegan community (or “outsiders” to any community in general) by the All feed.
The OP literally solicited non-vegan responses, and you’re upset that non-vegans responded?
No, I am upset that non-vegans don’t take five minutes to understand what veganism is before posting
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“Dietary Preferences”
its not a Diet, its more of an ethic’s question, are you ok with eating flesh of those who don’t have a say if they want to be killed for food? or are you gonna stay oblivious to the fact that this is speciesism?
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Well most non-vegans here did say they wouldn’t date a vegan or would have some problem with it, even in the case where I specifically said I had no problem with dating non-vegans… in those particular situations, it’s the non-vegans that have a problem, not the vegans. And not just in this thread either, those were the prevailing responses in other online question and answer forums that I found as well. So while some vegans definitely refuse to date non-vegans, it’s clear that isn’t always the case, and the opposite is often true as well. Neither are black and white, of course. I wish more non-vegans would be open to dating vegans who were fine with them and had no intention to try to change them, as in my case, but I understand the apprehension, and concerns about convenience, and of course it’s their choice whether to date someone or not.
I’d respond but your moderators will just delete it. Instead I’ll just block this community and let you wallow in your self pity.
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Apologies for not being clear, I meant that I would hope just being vegan might subconsciously influence people to think about it, but I wouldn’t hold any expectation or pressure them. It would be more of a hope that I have but I guess it wouldn’t affect how I act or behave in any way. Is that still a deal-breaker?
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To be fair, it’s a lifestyle/philosophy that extends beyond diet into other purchases as well. But if I’m not trying to make them vegan, I don’t see what the problem is? Aside from potential inconvenience of me not partaking in some of the same things as they might typically, though there are alternatives…
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Would the sole action of me buying different products to them/non-animal derived alternatives qualify as making something my entire identity? Just trying to get a feel of what the specific issue might be.
The issue is that even if you manage to completely prevent yourself from expressing it, you say that you’d hope they’ll change their perspective to yours. A “positive influence”. Hidden agendas no matter how well intentioned don’t make for a solid relationship usually.
If your partner was secretly hoping you’d give up on veganism because they thought this was an inferior lifestyle, how would you feel?
Veganism is not just a diet. Plant based is yeah. Vegan, no. It’s an overall morality thing that includes a diet.
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Veganism is never just a dietary decision, it’s always an ethical decision. Vegetarians, or pescatarians often make the choice just for health benefits, but veganism is a lifestyle. Veganism extends to your decisions about all products, including things like shoes, handbags, down comforters, etc… I know vegans who definitely don’t make veganism their one defining characteristic, but it’s still a big part of who they are and how they choose to live their lives.
To me it sounds like that hope could ultimately lead to resentment in the long term if they don’t take on your values. You say it won’t effect your actions, but it sounds more like you are lying to yourself about it’s importance.
How would it make you feel if you started dating someone and they “hoped” you would eventually give eating meat a shot because it was something they valued deeply and they thought it might subconsciously influence you in that direction?
If I knew you had a constant hope for me to change it would be a huge NO.
So long as they hope to change my dietary choices to match theirs, it’s probably a deal breaker.
It’s not like I would actually try to change them in any way, though. What if I never mentioned it?
Part of a healthy relationship is accepting people for who they are, loving people for who they are. If you’re secretly hoping that someone changes, then you’re not accepting them for who they are. This is getting more into relationship advice than an answer to your question, but I think it’s worth acknowledging. If they never know that you’re hoping they’ll change, then I guess it won’t affect them, but it might affect you.
I don’t think it’s an easy thing, not to mention that it would be better for both if both had the same diet and lifestyle choices (obviously being vegan). For me, being vegan is not just that, but also the only morally right thing to do. So, if my partner wouldn’t at least be vegetarian, this would be so hard, and I’d, at some point, just break up if I notice they don’t understand what all of this is about.
You’re saying that they don’t need to “go vegan,” but if they aren’t doing it even slightly, then you’re being disappointed by them. You might say you’re not pushing anyone, but intentions will come out. At the very least, it’s obvious that you have an agenda with it, so you might as well be with someone that aligns with your agenda.
Being vegan can mean many things, but ultimately, it’s a lifestyle choice. Imagine if you were Christian instead, and you decided to date an atheist. And you weren’t going to push them, but maybe you could influence them to be a little religious. You could pray at the dinner table, them joining optionally, of course (but greatly appreciated). Then for their birthday, you could give them a Bible, since they love to read.
There isn’t anything wrong with being a vegan. I feel, however, that it is more than a personal practice to you, and you would be happiest with someone that is also vegan.
Pressuring others to not contribute to murder and rape is a turn off… seriously? Also, please read up on what veganism is before commenting. Vegans have moral standards rather than “dietary preferences”.
Is being vegan a moral thing? Most that I’ve heard say yes.
This means that regardless of outward harassing them about it, your mindset is one in which they are doing something immoral and do not care to change it. It is inseparable: the position that it is morally correct to be vegan is inseparable from the corollary that those who are not are less moral.
Knowing that your romantic partner judges you as a bad person does not really make for a positive relationship, I would say. I doubt I would be willing to date someone who holds that position.
I think it’s an ethical, environmentally beneficial and healthy choice. But that doesn’t mean I think someone who doesn’t make that choice is automatically a bad person. That’s where I feel like nonvegans might be projecting that idea a little bit, to be honest.
Short answer: no
Longer answer: probably some people
Thank you. You saved me from a bunch of long and pointless one time experience stories.
I know many vegetarians and I’ve met a single other vegan, all of which found a partner just as easy, or hard perhaps, as anyone else I know.
I, myself, kinda cheated and turned vegan after finding my current girlfriend. So I cannot report directly on this.
@Robustic this is MY experience as a vegan for +8y. I dated a non-vegan girl for several months, and was an issue to me in terms of long term expectations as a couple. Veganism is a philosophy that excludes as far as possible and practicable all kind of animal exploitation. This is one of the main ideological topics for me, like racism, feminism, religion, institutional politics….
My current girlfriend is vegan (has been for more than 5 years), we have a lot in common and everything is great 😊.Frankly, this is not a question for the Internet - it is a question for you.
You can certainly find someone to try have a relationship with.
But: What do you think about non-vegans? Do you see yourself unreservedly loving someone who eats meat, even though you (presumably) think it’s morally wrong?
Because that will definitely leak into your relationship as a whole.
The primary concerns would be the fear of being preached to or derided, and substantial difficulty with meals.
No one wants to be called a murderer, especially by their romantic partner. Not that you would do that personally, but that’s the image “vegan” brings to mind.
Meals are a significant part of any relationship: going out, cooking for each other, family dinners, etc. Dating a vegan makes all those things more complicated for omnivores.
Not to say it’s a foregone conclusion, but past experiences with vegans may very well make non-vegans reluctant to date one.
I would just add that eating out with a vegan and non-vegan together doesn’t inherently have to be any more difficult than 2 vegans or 2 non-vegans. From my experience anyway, and where I live. :)
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As with any large life-style decision you’ll find it reduces the dating pool (and generally for good reason). Would you really want to spend your life with someone that spends free days smoking brisket or roasting ribs or generally preparing meals like that? To someone without dietary constraints (self imposed or otherwise) I’m sure that sounds heavenly, but if I were vegan in the situation (or vice versa tbh) I know I just wouldn’t desire the daily friction. Life should be as fluid as possible and there are plenty of lifestyle compatible people out there looking for companionship.
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Ye! I tried to allocate space for that in what I posted. I’m personally a vegetarian that likes a steak once or twice a year so I live on both sides of the fence. Essentially what I’m putting out though is that it’s perfectly natural and probably a good thing when people find partners with similar lifestyle choices. It just makes life easier, and a relationship will struggle to work if it feels like significant compromise and work.
But not too similar, or it gets boring and potentially destructive. I would be dead if I married someone like me. My wife introduces reason and balance into my life, and I introduce adventure and spontaneity into hers. It has worked well for us for the almost 2 decades we’ve been together.
I did and it wasn’t a problem, it wasn’t a problem because she didn’t care that I wasn’t. She never tried to make me be a vegan and I never tried to dismiss that part of her. We were perfectly happy to not make that a thing of concern. Though I think if either party tried to make the other one change it would blow up fast.
It would only work if you were willing to accept them as not a vegan. If you can’t it wouldn’t work.
That’s honestly encouraging, thanks :)
The key is acceptance. I’m willing to accept my partner if they are vegan, can the accept me as a non vegetarian?
The problem is that vegans (not all) see it as morally wrong so it would be like asking if they can accept that you like eating dogs (like some cultures do) and I can see plenty of people who would not accept or respect the practice of eating dogs.
Yes, I can accept it :)
I prefer to not talk about the direct topic of veganism on the first dates (unless I have to). Most people don’t know what’s veganism and are even scared of the word.
I’d rather know the person first and see if our values align with other questions, like: ‘do you think animals feel pain?’ or ‘what do you think about factory farming?’.
But I gotta tell you, dating vegans is probably much easier. It will be easier to get a consensus on where to go for dinner, it will be easier to go shopping and you won’t get invited to watch dog fighting and these kinds of stuff omnis do.
I feel that veganism is a value-based belief system. This means that even different vegans may interpret the restrictions differently.
The question is whether you will expect this person to convert and if you can live with their usage of animal products.
I recommend Melanie Joy’s book Beyond Beliefs which about relationships and communication between vegans and non-vegans.
When I met my wife I was vegetarian and she was an omnivore. Now I eat vegan she’s a vegetarian. It has not been a relationship problem.
I grew up with a sister who is vegan and I would definitely think twice before dating one. I’ve come to believe that shared meals are a huge part of human culture and if I can’t eat with my partner without there being some kind of tension about it I don’t see how it could work out.
I don’t think that tension is a necessary component of a vegan and nonvegan eating together, at all. I’m sorry if you had a bad experience but that’s not inherently the case, in my experience eating with nonvegans.
It’s not that I can’t eat non vegan food while you eat vegan food, it’s that many restaurants don’t have good vegan options, especially if you’re it in a major city, so it limits what kind of places you can eat.
Also, if you live with someone who is vegan your options are either the non vegan accepts a significantly limited diet, or you need shop, plan, and cook two dinners each night. It gets tiresome.
