I’m 29 and work with people in their 40’s and up. None of them have their shit together.

The idea that you must have a fully set career and planned life in your 20s is a conspiracy and a scam made to make you feel less-than and worse.

Beat em. Live life at the pace it comes to ya. Don’t think about where you should be. There is no should. Society is a game of dress up and everyone is a nervous ape that just wants be to loved.

It gets better bro.

I’m 33 and I was in a worse situation:

• Started getting depressed in 2011 at the age of 20
• Graduated in CS in 2016, super late, but with top grades
• Started working as a software developer, hated it
• For a few years I switched between working in a local computer shop and uni to get a master’s degree
• Again, I graduated super late in 2021 but with top grades
• Still hated working as a developer and now hated working as a technician too
• At the end of 2021, I got a call from my old high school, they needed someone to teach programming
• Decide to give it a try, absolutely love it
• Suddenly, depression is gone and I have a reason to get up in the morning
• A 10 year old nightmare is over, still single though

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Haha, yeah…

I did the classic overachiever route and finished my thesis pretty fast, focused on a specific career. Then still ended up with a shitty full-time job, so took on three more jobs and started a nonprofit. All that still got me exactly nowhere. I was ridiculously stressed. One time I didn’t sleep for 3 days and had to check in to the hospital.

Hopefully this offers some comfort. The things you consider mistakes, are the things I wish I had done. Even spending more time with my parents. So perhaps nothing is so serious :)

My “nuclear option” was immigration. I sold everything and (just barely) got a business license in the developing world. I’m basically Ozymandias from watchmen, but less fit and I don’t own tights. Also none of my friends are blue. Splicing genes and splitting atoms, I will admit to though.

Anyway the point is, what matters is what happens next. I don’t recommend immigrating to the developing world (it’s acutely distressing), but it’s surprising how much we can influence the outcomes of our lives if we radically commit to a course of action. If the exact details of your course of action aren’t optimal (or even borderline insane), I think that’s OK, it’s being radically committed to improving your future that matters. The context isn’t exactly irrelevant, but I think it’s secondary.

So no need to stress. Better to spend that energy doing. Anything reasonable will do. Start a side hustle, learn programming, design websites, learn to do taxes for yourself and others. Degrees are OK but I don’t value them any more personally. Get used to starting at square one over and over – it’s a good habit and you will eventually know how to do many things. People who can do many things are rare and valuable.

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I’m approaching 40 this year. Around 20, I missed an important uni deadline, and meant the degree I had planned would cost me an extra year I couldn’t afford (like literally couldn’t afford the tuition). Managed to finish, but with a degree no one would recommend. Was absolutely panicked.

Ultimately, ended up very successful in a job in a country on the other side of the world. Met the woman who is now my wife of 13 years, had some amazing adventures, moved to a few more different countries, changed industries again about 10 years ago, and worked my way up to upper management again before leaving that field too.

TL;DR No, stress has brought me nothing but misery, I have no regrets except that I didn’t enjoy the ride as much as I could have.

Learn new stuff as you work, or as hobbies (my entire second career started as a hobby). Don’t be afraid to “fake it till you make it” and keep an eye out for jobs you didn’t even consider as a possibility. I personally avoid corporate gigs, smaller independent companies are more likely to notice you and use you for the skills you bring. Life can fly by, enjoy the ride.

I had everything figured out at 21. Graduating soon with good grades from an engineering degree, job already lined up, eager to start the next chapter of my life.

Unfortunately a couple of years later I absolutely hated my job, quit, broke up with my girlfriend, moved back in with my parents and basically started again from scratch.

Life is not a linear progression like driving from one place to another. It’s ok to take your time, explore, figure yourself out and keep trying.

I dropped out of my university in my first year. I was a music major, and my orchestra director set up a gofundme so that family and friends and teachers from my old high school could all get together to purchase an instrument for me I can use in school because my family was broke and couldn’t afford it. But I stayed at home instead of living on campus, and since my family life was so chaotic, the stress of everything happening at home on top of taking on a huge course load made me lose my academic scholarship, and the thought of taking out student loans to be a gigging musician seemed like a guaranteed way to never escape poverty. I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing. The deadline passed, and I fell into a deep depression that took years to get out of.

I had to start working in various blue collar environments until I had enough money to move out with my partner, who turned out to be really shitty once we started living together so then I had to find a place by myself, then I went back to a technical college to get some IT certs, and eventually stumbled into my first “big boy” job doing IT for a large warehouse. Since then, I’ve doubled my salary by hopping between a few different tech jobs, and I even get to play in a local symphony with the same instrument that was given to me for school.

It took about 5 years of wafting around after dropping out of college, and my mental health was in the shitter for most of that, but going through that stress made me the person I am today, and for the first time in my life, I kind of like who I am. With that said, I didn’t have the time to enjoy life with how much I was working and am trying to make up for lost time now. But it’s so much easier to do that now that I have disposable income and a comfortable place to sleep every night.

TL;DR Your early 20s suck and there’s going to be a lot of stress – thats unavoidable unless you’re a nepo baby. Just roll with it and don’t forget to have fun every now and then. You’ll figure it out.

I have been struggling with my career for about 4-5 years now. I am already 33. Life takes a while to settle. There is no rush and definitely no need to stress about it. Loops are pretty common. You are not too old. 21 is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I just want to add some context as a person that’s going grey.

You are still incredibly young in your 20s. There’s still so much time left for you.

It’s the ideal time to drop out. Think things over and find some purpose or direction.

Or not.

So much is made about knowing your course in life, when often learning to drift the right way can be far more enjoyable.

So yeah, not exactly a call to hedonism, but try to find what you enjoy and where your ambition lies then make positive steps to get there.

Currently in the midst of a midlife crisis, I laugh at your quarter life crisis. You have no idea what crisis is. Here’s my take:

Edit: unintentional ‘gatekeeping.’

Life is short. Try not to make too many dumb decisions. Stay away from hard drugs and alcohol. Try your best to find a career that you actually like doing. Understand that your mental health is important. It’s OKAY to ask for mental help—don’t wait until you’re 40 to find that out.

Don’t worry about living with your parents. Be happy you still have them. If Uni isn’t right for you now, you can go later or not at all. If you have nuclear options… do it now. Do it while you still have a fallback plan.

Oh and, stay out of debt. That’s how they keep you a slave. Houses and education can be exceptions, but if you don’t have the CASH to buy the THING, you don’t get the THING.

So yes and no. Some of this depends on what sort of “loop” you’re stuck in, which I can’t answer unless I have more details. The rest doesn’t depend as much on that.

On one hand, 21 is extremely young—which means you have an absurd amount of wiggle room and time to course correct, even if you’ve done some really dumb stuff.

On the other hand, time only starts to move faster and if you don’t commit to course correct at some point you’ll end up a lot older in a way tougher spot.

I think the answer here is some sort of average of extremes (like it is for most things in life). You shouldn’t worry about the future too much because you’re so young, but you should start taking action to course correct now so that the next 5-10 years are easier.

I also dropped out very early. Struggled with that disappointment for a long time. Moved in with my SO’s parents and lived with them for years!

We moved out and got a rental when I was 25. I’m 29 now and working on my career in banking. Started exercising the last couple years and have been keeping up with it consistently. I feel like it was only in the last few years that I felt I was making progress but really needed some optimism to keep going. You just never know what’s going to change your life around. Try to improve yourself in any way you can and sometimes that can help you change your trajectory

There will always be someone who is beating you in a metric (buying houses, having kids, promotions, pay, relationships, etc…) fixating on it will drive you mad.

Instead you should compare your current status against where you were and appreciate how you are moving forward

As for age

During university my best mate was 27 who dropped out of his final year, grabbed a random job, then went to college to get a BTEC so they could start the degree.

It was similar in my graduate intake, we had a 26 year old who had been a brickie for 5 years before getting a comp sci degree.

The first person I line managed was a junior 15 years older than me, who had a completely different career stream. They had the house, kids, had managed big teams, etc… honestly I learnt tons from them.

I wouldn’t bother with a degree unless it is required for your chosen career path.

You’ll save time and money by entering the workforce in a lower position now and working towards a promotion.

There are a lot of people out there with degrees entirely unrelated to their work and or earning wages similar to people who didn’t bother with uni and they have a student loan to pay back on top of that.

If you have your heart set on higher education, look at the open university, courses are designed so that you can do them in your free time and are substantially cheaper than “proper” uni with degrees that are worth just as much.