My ADHD has had quite a negative impact on my relationship and even though I have started treatment ~ 6 months ago it’s still a struggle.
One major issue that keeps coming up is the following scenario: My partner tells me about something that really bothers them / makes them angry. I immediately get uncomfortable and defensive and try to explain / find excuses for why I did this thing. In the course of this, I often contradict myself or jump from one excuse to the next. Or sometimes I downplay the thing by trying to explain it away, that is was only something small and therefore I didn’t notice it. Only after a while do I realised that I’m once again repeating this pattern.
My partner then, understandably, gets even more upset because they feel like they can’t express their anger or tell me about things that bother them because they feel like I’m gaslighting them and punishing them for express my feeling.
I have ADHD and I’m aware that this brings many personal issues with it, but I don’t want to blame everything on my ADHD and I’m wondering if I’m just toxic, if for some reason I have internalised a really toxic behaviour that has nothing to do with ADHD.
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short term - share how you feel, if you trust your partner enough to do so. read into NVC (non-violence communication) to learn to talk about your feelings, even those of defensiveness. NVC isn’t perfect but will give you a framework.
long term - learn why you feel this way. ADHD might be a catalyser for such reaction (e.g. due to lack of impulse control and RSD) but you’ve sure learned it somewhere e.g. your caregivers reacted defensively when you expressed your needs in the past, etc yadda hadda, gotta dig deeper in your own personal story.
good luck and wish you the best ✨
I immediately get uncomfortable and defensive and try to explain / find excuses for why I did this thing.
Stop doing that. When you notice you are doing it, stop. Say “I’m sorry,” and try to come up with solutions instead of excuses.
Like if you forgot to empty the dishwasher, create an alarm or recurring calendar event so you don’t forget again. Don’t just say you forgot and you couldn’t help it.
This is related to ADHD, sure, but it’s not because of ADHD. It’s because you’re making the choice to excuse yourself instead of actually listening to your partner’s concerns and trying to change your behaviour.
You aren’t “just toxic”, but there are some ADHD traits that are probably behind both the original behaviors and your reactions to your partner calling you out for them. The number one thing is probably feelings of shame because you forget important things, or because you impulsively say or do things that you later regret. Shame and regret are very unpleasant feelings, and it is normal to want to avoid them by justifying your actions.
I would suggest trying to buy yourself a little space when your partner calls out your bad behaviors. Take a deep breath, and maybe say “I’m sorry. I’m trying to get better at that.” Or, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think that through or I wouldn’t have said it.”
The two things that drive most negative behaviors are distractibility (which is why you forget important things) and impulsivity (which is why you say or do things that are hurtful, but realize it after the fact). Medication can help with both, but it takes a lot of work to reduce the impact to the point where it’s not a big negative in your life.
Having a good reminder system can help with forgetfulness. Every phone comes with a calendar and a to-do list. Keep using them and understand that it is a whole set of skills to use them effectively, so it’s going to take time until you get good at it.
Impulsivity is a bit tougher to overcome. A few simple breathing techniques, and a regular meditation practice can go a long way toward reducing that, though. (Meditation doesn’t mean becoming a Buddhist. Just using one of the meditation apps on your phone every day will have a cumulative effect over the course of weeks and months.)
Sounds like you’ve just always gotten away with excuses instead of learning to admit you fucked up and owning it. Has nothing to do with ADHD and has more to do with showing personal responsibility.
Instead of becoming defensive, learn to admit you fucked up and leave it at that. Apologize for fucking up, and ask for some help remembering if you’re forgetting. Your partner is doing the right thing by communicating with you, and you need to do the right thing by admitting when you’ve fucked up, apologizing, and trying to fix it.
Look into Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
Explaining your motives and actions isn’t toxicity.
Overdefensive stanse? It means you understand that you fucked up but search for excuses. That’s stupidity. Fight with that. But defending yourself against illogical pretensions is totally ok.
The thing is just, they aren’t illogical pretension. And my explanations are very often just excuses. Like “I didn’t have time for it” when I definitely did have time, I just forgot.
when I definitely did have time, I just forgot.
Start with stop lying. Forgot? Just say that. It happens. Not a big deal. But if it IS for some reason(medicine or something very limited), then you can write it down or something.
Feels, I struggle with the same issue as well. I suppose for me at least it’s the shame I’ve built up over the years for being different/“wrong” all the time and the low self-esteem and fear of rejection it has caused as well as general lack of security in relationships. One ends up expecting anger and rejection from others so of course it tries to avoid being confronted/blamed and instead reason/explain the situation away. Or shift blame. Being on spectrum can make us impulsive and dramatic so being reasonable and taking a step back is difficult when there already is a conflict. It does help me to realize that being AuDHD has a big impact on how I handle (or don’t) conflicts and having this explanation helps me tackle the shame and communicate the reasons for my shittyness to my partner, and change my behavior step by step where needed. It takes a lot of trust though and a shared interest on improving the relationship.
There is a book called the four agreements. This book helped me a lot.
