My ADHD has had quite a negative impact on my relationship and even though I have started treatment ~ 6 months ago it’s still a struggle.
One major issue that keeps coming up is the following scenario: My partner tells me about something that really bothers them / makes them angry. I immediately get uncomfortable and defensive and try to explain / find excuses for why I did this thing. In the course of this, I often contradict myself or jump from one excuse to the next. Or sometimes I downplay the thing by trying to explain it away, that is was only something small and therefore I didn’t notice it. Only after a while do I realised that I’m once again repeating this pattern.
My partner then, understandably, gets even more upset because they feel like they can’t express their anger or tell me about things that bother them because they feel like I’m gaslighting them and punishing them for express my feeling.
I have ADHD and I’m aware that this brings many personal issues with it, but I don’t want to blame everything on my ADHD and I’m wondering if I’m just toxic, if for some reason I have internalised a really toxic behaviour that has nothing to do with ADHD.
short term - share how you feel, if you trust your partner enough to do so. read into NVC (non-violence communication) to learn to talk about your feelings, even those of defensiveness. NVC isn’t perfect but will give you a framework.
long term - learn why you feel this way. ADHD might be a catalyser for such reaction (e.g. due to lack of impulse control and RSD) but you’ve sure learned it somewhere e.g. your caregivers reacted defensively when you expressed your needs in the past, etc yadda hadda, gotta dig deeper in your own personal story.
good luck and wish you the best ✨