My ADHD has had quite a negative impact on my relationship and even though I have started treatment ~ 6 months ago it’s still a struggle.
One major issue that keeps coming up is the following scenario: My partner tells me about something that really bothers them / makes them angry. I immediately get uncomfortable and defensive and try to explain / find excuses for why I did this thing. In the course of this, I often contradict myself or jump from one excuse to the next. Or sometimes I downplay the thing by trying to explain it away, that is was only something small and therefore I didn’t notice it. Only after a while do I realised that I’m once again repeating this pattern.
My partner then, understandably, gets even more upset because they feel like they can’t express their anger or tell me about things that bother them because they feel like I’m gaslighting them and punishing them for express my feeling.
I have ADHD and I’m aware that this brings many personal issues with it, but I don’t want to blame everything on my ADHD and I’m wondering if I’m just toxic, if for some reason I have internalised a really toxic behaviour that has nothing to do with ADHD.
You aren’t “just toxic”, but there are some ADHD traits that are probably behind both the original behaviors and your reactions to your partner calling you out for them. The number one thing is probably feelings of shame because you forget important things, or because you impulsively say or do things that you later regret. Shame and regret are very unpleasant feelings, and it is normal to want to avoid them by justifying your actions.
I would suggest trying to buy yourself a little space when your partner calls out your bad behaviors. Take a deep breath, and maybe say “I’m sorry. I’m trying to get better at that.” Or, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think that through or I wouldn’t have said it.”
The two things that drive most negative behaviors are distractibility (which is why you forget important things) and impulsivity (which is why you say or do things that are hurtful, but realize it after the fact). Medication can help with both, but it takes a lot of work to reduce the impact to the point where it’s not a big negative in your life.
Having a good reminder system can help with forgetfulness. Every phone comes with a calendar and a to-do list. Keep using them and understand that it is a whole set of skills to use them effectively, so it’s going to take time until you get good at it.
Impulsivity is a bit tougher to overcome. A few simple breathing techniques, and a regular meditation practice can go a long way toward reducing that, though. (Meditation doesn’t mean becoming a Buddhist. Just using one of the meditation apps on your phone every day will have a cumulative effect over the course of weeks and months.)