Hello,
I’m a 21-year-old guy looking to improve my social skills. I go out to bars but still struggle to socialize. I often find it hard to keep conversations going, and honestly, I sometimes feel bored even when I’m talking to people. Occasionally, I have a good chat, but I tend to be the quieter one in the group.
I love to sing, and after I’m done at the bar, I like to walk around town and ask if people want to hear me sing. A lot of folks are open to it and say they enjoy it (maybe they’re just being nice, but some really seem to like it). I’m passionate about playing guitar and want to start painting and writing too. I also like to go out to town and sit on a bench and just play my guitar, usually just Nirvana songs.
I’m pretty introverted, but I’m not afraid to approach people. I can introduce myself to groups, but I often struggle to keep the conversation going, almost like I bore them. I’ve also faced rejection from women about 4-5 times in a row, which I know is mostly my fault because I come off as desperate or just don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t had friends or anyone to talk to for a year or two (I don’t use social media). I’m average-looking, but I’ve had some really beautiful girls come up to me, only to lose interest when they see I’m a bit odd. I’ve also never really had a girlfriend before, nothing longer than 3 months.
Any advice would be appreciated!
P.S. I’m not really looking to read dating or socializing books; I want to stay true to myself. But if someone has a recommendation that helped them, I might check it out.
You seem to lack empathy. NeoNachtWaetcher’s answer is what I would look into.
I wouldn’t focus on improving your social game, you seem good here.
Maybe try to be interested in other people’s lives. When people infodump on you, try to catch a similar point of interest and divert the conversation toward that.
Also, nothing wrong with being quiet, I love a quiet friend.
I’ve recently tried to expand my social circle and something I’ve noticed is relationship seem to be alot about showing up and being there regularly, not overstaying your welcomes and trusting your gut.
About girls and romantic relationships, when the other party wants it too, it’s very very easy and smooth. Remember, it’s about two people, if you feel like it’s hard to maintain convo or to keep her interested then look elsewhere maybe.
Kindly, from a 23-year-old.
but still struggle to socialize. I often find it hard to keep conversations going, and honestly, I sometimes feel bored even when I’m talking to people.
I suspect there’s something there. It may be nothing, or it may be just a lack of maturity (nothing wrong with that, you’re still young), or it may be a defense mechanism, or it may be a lack of empathy of some kind. There’s a bit of a skill to really finding interest in other people. If you talk with someone long enough, you can usually find something interesting about them. But it can be a skill to build rapport and to have genuine empathy – if you force it, you can sound “fake” or like you’re interviewing them. I’ve had some friends who were great at this, they could hold a conversation with basically anyone, I’m not a natural but I just watched them often enough that I try to do what they did. You may want to look around for some kind of social skills training or counseling if that’s available.
I’ve also faced rejection from women about 4-5 times in a row, which I know is mostly my fault because I come off as desperate or just don’t know what I’m doing.
There is so much benefit to having a platonic girfriend. Someone socially competent who you have zero interest in hooking up with but you’re good friends with. Then you can say: I have no idea what I’m doing wrong, I went up to (whoever) and said (whatever) and I think I just came off as desperate! And then your platonic girlfriend will tell you what you’re doing wrong.
I like to walk around town and ask if people want to hear me sing
I’m pretty introverted
Something’s off.
Introversion does not necessarily equal social anxiety.
Yes, I know. I am one of those people. But still, I would think that in the Venn diagram of “people who go up to complete strangers and ask if they can sing” and “introverts”, there is extremely little crossover. If only because introverts tend towards misanthropy.
If someone came up and asked me if I wanted to hear them sing, I would immediately want to leave that situation.
I wouldn’t say tend towards misanthropy as that’s a bit extreme. Maybe more that they’ll shy away from social situations but I think that’s still under the “socially awkward/anxious” umbrella.
I put an emphasis on the “needs to be isolated to recharge” aspect of introverted. Which broadens the spectrum of folks who are introverted but do well socially. I consider myself introverted and love social interaction and attention but too much and I do need to hermit away for a while, sometimes even mid-gathering.
That being said, going up to sing to strangers is big balls social hahaha. Sounds like OP just needs some work on empathy for more personal meaningful interaction.
Not necessarily direct social skill things, but stuff that could put you in slightly more comfortable circumstances to work on it:
-Karaoke. If you like singing, this is a no brainer. You then have easy introductory topics (song choices, music, telling people they did a good job, etc.). Where I am the demographics are pretty wide, it may skew older where you are.
-If you have interest in doing so, see if you can join a band, maybe with an eye to doing some low-tier gigs (or high-tier, that’d be up to you and your bandmates).
-It’s hard mode, but like singing and playing music in public? Get a busking permit! Interact with the strangers passing by, etc. Best case scenario, you make some pocket change. Worst case scenario, you do something you like that puts you in front of people in a non-bar setting.
Working in something you’re passionate about and at least sort of good at can put you a little more at ease, sometimes.
Adding to “find an activity to socialize around,” things like martial arts or casual sports leagues are great for this because they have a way out mixing up a group with fairly diverse backgrounds. You could also do something lime Toastmasters for public speaking practice, which helps you express yourself better. None of this had to be an immediate life long commitment, jump around and test out group until you find one that fits your interests.
First: think hard, and read much, about who you are, who do you want to be, why is life itself the most important of all things, why are all humans created equal, and should you love basically all humans?
This is the foundation. When you have found some answers, then this is going to change your life. Probably not in a day, rather during the next years.
Second: learn about empathy and how to express it. There are methods. This will change very much how you are perceived by others as a loveable person.
But do the first thing first, otherwise the second might not work and you become a bad case of cynic.
As others have said, and that I will echo, is to find an activity to socialize around. Since you like music find local groups in that area. Perhaps a choir needs some instrumental backing or another voice. Or try something new, like pottery. I highly recommend arts and crafts. You can also hit the gym, especially if you find one focusing on classes. Through those I’ve been building a whole new social network.
I find it easier to socialize around the context of organized activities like card & board games, arts & crafts or community sports. If it’s an activity you enjoy and the event bringing people together is for that activity’s enthusiasts, then you already share a common interest.
Sounds a lot like you need to find your crowd. Socializing is not the issue, more like socializing with the right kind of people. The problem is finding out what and who you find engaging. I suffered somei of the same problems until I discovered hackerspaces. Have you considered trying out for a band or advertising about founding a new one?
I haven’t had friends or anyone to talk to for a year or two
To me, it doesn’t sound like you have issues socializing, it sounds like you have issues with maintaining relationships. If you’re 21 and have zero friends, you need to examine that a little more closely.
Sounds like you need to find the right crowd to surround yourself with; welcome to the club, odd one. I’ve had some positive experiences joining a DnD group, it’s a good way to meet fellow weirdos and if you get bored you can always look at your dice, re read the rules, or search stuff online.
Read How to win friends and influence people. Not reading books has nothing to do with staying true to yourself, especially if it’s just general guidelines and not step-by-step instructions you try to replicate.
