Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.
So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.
I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.
Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.
I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.
Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.
Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?
It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.
She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.
What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?
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Reading this thread variously - honestly, your relationship sounds exhausting.
It’s taking more from you than it’s giving back. Regular blowups followed by patch-ups that leave you back where you started, with nothing but fallout and pain to show for it.
She fucks up, but is simultaneously too fragile and yet too able to hold you hostage to be held accountable; somehow you’re the one that has to earn your way back into her good graces, and you dare not upset the apple art by trying to change the dynamic or, god forbid, assert some boundaries along the way.
Rinse and repeat until it leaches the calcium right out of your damn bones.
Look, I get it. Anxiety disorders are no fun, mental illness isn’t the fault of the person who has it, and I have no doubt that she’s a wonderful person overall.
But you’re not getting paid for this. You’re not her carer, you’re not her parent, it’s not your job to clean up after her your whole life.
Would you take on that role for someone with stabyouintheface-itis, a condition that caused an otherwise lovely person to stab you in the face every month or two, entirely outside of their control or intent?
Hard pass, am I right? Not their fault, but not your job, so no. The impact of this one is lesser, but the principle is the same.
And yes, people can change and adapt and do better. Supposedly, at least - I haven’t seen it myself.
In the meantime, you deserve better things in your life than just pissing it away down someone else’s crazyhole.
Be by yourself, or be with someone who doesn’t take all your emotional resources just to break even. If your gf eventually manages to turn it around and get in better control of it, such that you can both benefit from the relationship, then great.
But until then, it’s just wearing you down and not filling her up. With the best will in the world towards her, you should go elsewhere.
Fuck.
I thought you were really insightful and I just wanted to give you an update because, if I was lost before, I’m really fucking lost now.
Last night she attempted suicide. I am reading these from my couch while we sort out what the fuck to do.
She went to the bedroom while I was reading on the couch around 8:30 after she took a shower. Within 5-10 minutes she called my name. I came in and she had a bottle.of her pills in one hand, and enough of them to kill a horse in the other.
She was shaking, but pretty numb when I gently took the bottle and pills out of her hands and held her. It took probably another 15-20 minutes for her to say anything else. Then she started sobbing.
This is the first time I’ve witnessed a suicide attempt, so I’m shaken up.
Anyway, thank you for the advice. It was thought provoking and I’m going to pick my way through it while I cope.
Brother, I’m sorry to say but I think you need to get out of that situation. Right now. I’ve been in a relationship like that and it never ends well.
Damn. That’s rough, man. I hope both of you are going to be OK.
Oof. 20-something year old me needed to read this comment .
Thanks for typing this out. I was dating a girl exactly like that a while ago, and was absolutely ready to start a relationship with her. Luckily she got cold feet and ended it. I am only now realizing just how bad an idea it would have been to keep going with her and how many red flags I ignored to get to that point.
I think the maintenance man just reminded you that your girlfriend is a terrible person.
And he just helped you dodge a serious bullet. Buy that dude a drink.
I’m a little baffled that after hearing “maintenance” that she expects you to be in fight mode. Granted it could be a ruse, but really?
So I have to ask, is she always in this mode that everything everywhere is a threat and danger? If so I think she needs therapy.
“Dominos!”
Loads 12 gauge
Wrong house, motherfucker! Oh wait, my boyfriend ordered pizza. Right house. My bad!
She grew up in a dangerous environment. In a lot of ways, she’s always in fight or flight mode. Usually fight.
It’s something she is getting treated for. She’s on an anxiety med and visits a therapist once a month, but between that and a very stressful job, she’s worn down.
It’s a really complex situation all around and I don’t know of a straightforward way to deal with it.
It sounds like the real issue is that you’re reconsidering if managing her current mental illness is still worth it. It’s a valid question. You do need to make sure you’re in a relationship that is good for both of you. But if you know she has this issue, and know that’s the cause of her problems, you should be able to talk through it.
Approaching every situation in “fight mode” is often what turns mundane interactions dangerous.
She needs to realize the value of being able to keep a level head and assess situations.
Or she needs a dog to feel safe not this toxic masculinity shit. Men aren’t your eternal protector, they’re people who can be scared or confused.
Dogs get scared too…
They do but you can cuddle them and it’ll make you feel better usually.
Well there you go. People online are quick to say breakup but I’m not. I think this is a learning experience for her, and for you a bit on her mindset. She needs to get her fears under some control. But it can be hardwired so sometimes we have to play along and stand between her and strangers so she feels safe (but still unpack it later).
That’s not the issue.
The issue is she blamed her partner for not doing anything wrong. And held up the wedding above his head like a threat. Has she even apologised yet?
Yes she needs to unpack this in therapy. Her thoughts after aren’t in line, but the root of this whole thing is the/her reaction to the door.
That is the right move for her. But that does not necessarily help him. Change can take a long time, especially if the traumatized person does not want to change or is not honest with their therapist. In her case, change would mean letting down her defenses and not attacking everyone in sight when she gets triggered (which very often is going to be her partner and that’s not fair to him). Letting down her guard is going to be very difficult/impossible because it’s the only thing keeping her anxiety at bay. It will be a long process to see real change. He’s already reconsidering the relationship 2 years in, and this therapy will likely take much longer than that to see real progress. If he’s not up for dealing with her episodes in the meantime, he should be moving on with his life.
I would say did you have a leveled and rational conversation about this incident? I think her understanding your perspective, your upbringing vs hers, and her self-identifyed baggage, you could come out of this stronger and with a deeper understanding of each other. Re: those who say “holding the engagement over his head” - isn’t it perfectly reasonable to express hesitation in a relationship when you are unsure of its future? Seems to me she doesn’t know if she can get over this thing. She is re-evaluating. Now a good discussion could put that to rest, but it could also lead to the opposite, so truth or compromise?
“Dont propose this year, but I may change my mind” is pure “have cake and want to eat cake.”
That’s a weapon right there. It’s a statement that says “because of your actions, you have put your place in our relationship in jeopardy. You can now earn your place back if you please me.” You make statements like that to end a relationship, or to control someone, as those are the only two places you can go from there. That is not a somewhere OP wants to be.
The only, only case the above would be anything but emotional blackmail is if she said the first bit, realized it was a relationship ender, then was chagrined and immediately tried to walk it back. That doesnt seem like the case based on OPs wording, but maybe he can clarifying.
Having read the rest of the comments, the way she grew up sticks out to me. I obviously don’t know the details, nor should I know them, but you said she grew up in a dangerous environment, and she compared your response to her father. The question I have is, “Would being like her father be a good thing?”
I don’t have any context, and maybe her dad was a pillar of safety and stability in her life, but my first thought was what if he had been part of the problem, and either way, I think that’s something that’s worth looking into for both you and her. Is she unconsciously seeking the bad parts of her past, or does she equate that kind of aggression with a sense of safety? Or maybe none of the above. Regardless of the answer, I think getting to the bottom of that response could help you both move forward, in whatever direction that ends up being.
If she is getting treatment for it maybe see if they will let you sit in on a session to discuss what happened. I’m sure that isn’t your idea of a good time, but a (hopefully) neutral 3rd party can help you diffuse emotions and try to be objective.
She wants out, and is using this as an excuse to drive a wedge.
Fly, you fool
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Seems like a red flag to me.
Maybe it’s not a deal-breaker in and of itself, but if you get many more of these, you probably want to cut your losses and move on.
Take it from an old guy who’s learned this shit the hard way.
In my experience it’s the case that if someone shows you that they are crazy or psychologically maladjusted, there’s very little that you can do about it as their romantic partner.
I don’t say that people can’t change, only that it’s almost never going to happen when they are already in a relationship with you and exhibiting weird and abusive behavior such as what you describe.
That said, in all honesty I think you might want to at least consider getting out now. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.
Again, I’m an old guy in his 50s and I have seen and been through some shit over the years. That doesn’t mean that I’m somehow magically “right,” but it does mean that I have some perspective on these things.
Take it for whatever you think it’s worth.
As a 33 year old man who has had his own share of years in abusive/manipulative relationships, I second this guy’s opinion. The things she said is not the kind of thing you can brush off as a “heat of the moment, on my period” thing. Maybe the fact that she said it is, but she would’ve been thinking it regardless, which is the problem. She has a toxic view of masculinity, apparently because her dad exhibits these traits, and for some reason she wants a guy just like that. You actually sound like a well-adjusted person who doesn’t feel the need to violently assault someone without having all the facts, in order to assert dominance. Unfortunately, that’s not what she wants.
Also, it sounds like her reaction in this situation may be coming from a place of trauma. Has she been assaulted in her past? It is weird that a maintenance guy entering the apartment would trigger her to seek protection. Seems like there may be more to that part of her story. In that case, if you can convince her to seek help from a therapist, this all might just go away.
Her reaction, and this is maybe me coping really hard right now, might be related to what happened last night. She attempted suicide last night and had the mindset to call my name before she did. Despite my pleas, she went to work this morning since she has no time off and doesn’t want to get fired.
We talked about what happened, and she admitted that she’s felt like attempting for the past couple months, which kind of follows what I was feeling yesterday. The past 3-4 months have been more difficult than usual.
I don’t know what my next steps are. I’m feeling from it and using this forum to vent in a safe way. There’s not much advice to give, I think. I’m just going to take this one step at a time.
I think it’s still worth trying to see if she really feels like she wanted you to be more concerned for her safety and maybe yelled at the guy or did she really want you to go full murder hobo on an innocent human.
However, the extreme mood shift and being abusive to you and her doing fuck all to break that cycle where she’s not being a dick to you every damn month, well I think that really needs to be addressed and you need to decide if you’re actually going to be okay with being treated badly every month for t he rest of your life.
The other elephant in the room is that do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who’s feelings will turn on you the minute things get a little tough? I mean you not wanting to murder someone leads to her falling out of love with you that fast? Really man, take a good long look at your two years together, maybe hash it out with a friend and get a outside look at things to get a full picture of if this is really what you want for the rest of your life.
There’s a lot to unpack now–more than even last night. But, yeah, she’s acutely aware of the cycle she’s putting me in, and she’s desperate to not make it a habit.
She tried to kill herself last night. And, it has me wondering if she’s been hard on me lately as some way to keep me away, emotionally. I don’t know if it was planned and she backed out, or if it was spur of the moment.
She told me she’s felt like potentially attempting for the past couple months, which tracks with how her behavior has changed. I said yesterday, I felt like the past 3-4 have been different–a lot harder on me than before.
I’m processing it now. She chose to go to work since she has no vacation time. I tried to persuade her not to, but at the same time, I don’t know what is or isn’t appropriate to do here.
Yeah man, this is beyond Lemmy and random guys on the internets pay grade. From your update, only you would now how serious this is and either way or goes, and definitely needs professional help.
Just remember that you can’t and shouldn’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. I have a wife that suffers from depression and I can tell you that for me providing that support for her to get better was a challenge and without having other people being her support I would have really burnt out as well as that beginning of burn out made my less than desirable traits magnify.
All I can say is try and get her help, of her parents aren’t complete shit get her to expand her support network. Definitely postpone the engagement and continuously evaluate of she’s taking addressing her issues AND your relationships issues like instantly falling out of love seriously and take note that you cannot help those who won’t help themselves.
Sorry to hear you going through all of this man, good luck and take care of yourself.
Thanks. I realize this is something only a professional can help with now. It’s up to her if she follows through. As far as support goes, I am going to encourage her to reach out to other trusted friends and family members, and to cut out people who have been causing her so much grief.
She didn’t try kill herself. She poured a handful of pills and called you to see. It’s manipulation.
I’ve been single for almost a decade now and it’s partially because I don’t deal with this kind of bullshit.
Love and respect go hand in hand, you don’t respect me then you don’t love me you’re just using words you think you should say. While words are cheap, actions speak volumes.
I’m by no means whatsoever the most desirable guy, but I’ll never be with a person I don’t love or who doesn’t love me. A lack of respect is a major lack of consideration to me and a major turn off.
Take everything people here say with a grain of salt. We don’t know your relationships history, nor are we going to be able to get the full truth from both of your perspectives.
That said, it sounds like there is definitely more going on in your relationship than just that event and her cycle. Yeah, maybe it would have been best for you to get out of bed and go check things out, but I’d say it’s more likely that you didn’t see how she was feeling from that experience which is the real problem. You might be experiencing a communication breakdown.
Don’t give up hope if you just recently started having these thoughts about ending the relationship. Even good relationships have low points. Keep the communication flowing. Keep friends around so the conversation can be light-hearted at times. Forgive everything that’s forgivable. Maybe talk with a therapist or counselor (it’s gotten cheaper). Find a way to take the edge off that’s not harmful because you’re probably really stressed.
There’s no magic bullet to fixing this situation. It’s gonna take some effort to work things out. Best of luck
Edit: you should also talk to the landlord about maintenance being in your house while you’re sleeping. That really shouldn’t happen.
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Throw a pool in the mattress for good measure.
I understand that. It’s hard to capture the depth of relationships on some forum. I’ll just say that we’ve both been through some difficult things, but we’ve supported each other. The past year or so, though, she’s been going through a lot more (relatives dying, dad now in prison, etc.) , and I’ve stepped up to the best of my ability.
Though she wants me to communicate more about how I’m doing, and she actually likes it when I do so, I just don’t have the time or emotional energy to do that and still be present for her. It’s a definite lose-lose. Because I know she’s not really in a good state to have me be vulnerable on the way she likes, but by not being vulnerable, she feels like I don’t trust her.
I try to approach this (and all my relationships) with a strong understanding that people aren’t perfect. We fuck up, make mistakes, and have to learn from them. Sometimes she doesn’t have that same grace. She holds waayyy more grudges than I do. I essentially do a monthly ritual of forgiving her for lashing out a bit when her cycle is on or her psychiatrist doesn’t give her a refill for her anxiety meds on time. But my mistakes are usually harder for her to move past. She does eventually, but nowhere near as often.
I am looking for a therapist for myself right now, actually. I think at least ironing out how I’m feeling before I approach what happened with her is important.
Oof. I’d be going completely insane in her situation most likely. I can see the comparison she made to her dad as coming from wanting him back badly, though maybe it’s coming out in a more subconscious way that she’s not realizing directly.
I don’t want to be an asshole to you, but some of the ways you seem to think about her I think are potentially harmful to both of you. “waayyy more grudges” really isn’t the most loving way you can be thinking about her expressions and attitudes, though I get you’re probably being a bit hyperbolic about it. So again, a bit of destressing might help clear your head about things.
I would definitely suggest you stick to the idea of talking things out with a therapist or similar before you have any real talks about this with her. The way you said some of those things can be taken as a deeply personal attack to someone who’s suffering emotionally.
Ultimately it sounds like you need to decide if you’re willing to carry her burdens, since it sounds like she’s not capable of carrying them herself. Most people online would tell you to run, but that isn’t always the best course of action.
Do you love her enough to continue carrying at least part of her baggage while she works through her issues? Can you see a life without her? Is that life that you see happier, or emptier?
It’s okay to stay with messed up people if you guys make each other happy. Most of us are messed up in one way or another. But you have the right to set boundaries and not let certain lines be crossed. When they’re crossed you can remove yourself from the situation, either temporarily, or permanently.
It sounds like she’s working through her damage. Help her feel safe, and maybe some healing will occur. That doesn’t mean rush out and buy a shotgun. You probably shouldn’t have any weapons in that house. But just let her know through actions and words that you take her safety seriously. Get some WiFi cameras. Get a door alarm. Put wooden rods in the sliding glass door and window gaps. That kind of stuff could go a long way.
Stay away from her when she’s in crazy mode. That’s advice for a lot of relationships. Just give her time and space to be crazy, and when she calms down, tell her how that makes you feel, and how it’s not okay. I’m not a psychologist, but there are some of my thoughts on the matter.
Good luck to you guys.
she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
Wow, she’s so generous, she might still LET you propose to her. Life and relationship is never about one person fulfilling a role for another. She basically wants you to be a knight to her princess. You can’t ever have needs or fears of your own, because she simply is higher up in this relationship. You need to EARN her love.
You don’t want to deal with an entitled person everyday, thats called retail work and people don’t like it.
Hey, from one married person. This behavior probably won’t change. Should ask yourself if “This is it?”. Not saying to leave just saying to consider if your can handle the ups and downs. Best of luck.
This is really the best advice I’ve seen here… no one knows you or her but if you take into account what Mr. Trout said you can definitely find the answer yourself
I think her recommendation to not propose yet is a solid one. I’m not the one to shout red flag and leave her as I know nothing about you two’s backgrounds but that certainly is a little sus on her part.
Yeah, in hindsight I think she might have been speaking in the sense that for my sake I shouldn’t propose right now.
Oh I’m sure that’s what she meant but it’s even better advice if you flip it around
Check if she had bpd. Borderline personality disorder.
Don’t play internet psychiatrist and recommend disorders like you are giving out candy…
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Yeah that one instance covers all the diagnostic criteria /s
Yes. You should have shot him, and then spread his blood across your face as a sign of dominance, and then taken your girlfriend in a passionate display of power.
Come on. Really? Tell her to chill the fuck out. You would have fought if fighting was required, but it obviously wasn’t. If she continues making an issue of it then ask her to seek counseling or something. Or I guess just assure her that you’ll keep her and your home safe from all real threats. Get a baseball bat and a can of bear spray and let her know it’s to protect her. I’m not very good at this. Maybe take some of the other advice here.
Yeah, there are a lot of red flags here. As you mentioned, she’s willing to throw away a two-year relationship with someone she was considering marrying because of a look. On top of that, she seems to measure your masculinity by how quickly you become aggressive, which is a huge problem (unless you want to spend the rest of your life fighting every guy that looks at her). Also, the way she’s framing delaying the proposal sounds like it’s meant to hurt you (though I wasn’t there, so you’d know better than me).
It’s your relationship, so I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but you’re not crazy, her reaction was not normal. You’ve also put two years into this relationship, so I wouldn’t be too quick to throw that away either, but if you don’t like how you’re being treated you shouldn’t disregard that. If I were you I would sit down, think about what you want and what you won’t put up with, and then talk to her.
