Because look: Frankly, it’s not enough to have spent my childhood wanting for nothing due to my father’s massive wealth, to have struck it rich off of a fairly dull money-transfer service idea that I didn’t even come up with, to have alienated and berated everyone I’ve ever worked with, to lie repeatedly that I was the original founder of Tesla, to amass enormous wealth off of taxpayer-funded subsidies while insisting that I’m self-made, to wield my influence and inane ideas for unworkable projects to prevent actual functional improvements in multiple cities, to receive uncritical adulation from the fawning business and tech presses, to foster a repressive and even racist workplace in my factories replete with numerous labor violations, all in the name of making cars that don’t even really fucking work—no. It’s not enough. What I desperately, desperately need is for you to think that I’m cool and funny. I need this. Please give me that satisfaction.
I brutally tortured some monkeys for literally no reason, for Christ’s sake! That’s so cool! Doesn’t that count for anything?
I’m cool. You know I’m cool.
Please.
. . . It almost makes me wonder why the hell I continue subjecting myself to this.
Oh, right—it’s that I’m hopelessly in need of your approval. Me, a 50-year-old man with the net worth of a decent-size country, forced to stoop to bizarre and pathetic stunts for attention. Either that, or cultivating a personal brand of eccentricity generates publicity and financial support that I can then leverage to distract from my essentially fraudulent business endeavors. Yes, it’s one of those two things for sure.
Well . . . at least we have TheOnion back. That’s something.
I will absolutely love him once he’s gone
Depends on who he leaves his money to.
He could do so much damage if it goes to the wrong group.
No
No thanks
