I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.
Anybody who claims crypto is useful for buying drugs is a fed. The blockchain contains the transaction history, you can trace a coin back to every wallet it’s ever been in. Buy your drugs with cash, but make sure the cash has been places: cash from an ATM might have no history aside from you withdrawing it.
I’m unsure about the drug trade, but isn’t Monero preferred for ransomware because it’s harder to track than Bitcoin and other crypto? I would assume if it’s good enough for ransomware hostage, it’d be sufficient for illicit purchases.
“Harder to track” is still easier to track than wiring funds overseas to an account made with a stolen identity.
A lot of countries straight up do not respect the FBI and US Government, or have privacy laws preventing cooperation. A popular route would be Switzerland > Trinidad > Russia (but not right now because the Russian monetary system is fucked), it will take forever for law enforcement to get cooperation and then at the end of the line Russia tells them to fuck off.
When Crypto scammers steal from people, they don’t steal Crypto. They have you wire money overseas.
It tells you how useful it is for covert transfers and discretion.
As I have laid out to multiple people: those have never been what it was for and by design never will be. It is a digital multiple ledger system which replaces the need for a bank.
EDIT: and to be clear theres nothing wrong with banks, but they’re inefficient for a lot of things like payment gateways and can be unreliable.
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.
That was simply President’s Choice Filipino Adobo chips amazing®.
The only part of this that aged poorly is the Penn Gillette bit. He’s come around.
Fucking brilliant every time
That line gets me every time.
Anybody who claims crypto is useful for buying drugs is a fed. The blockchain contains the transaction history, you can trace a coin back to every wallet it’s ever been in. Buy your drugs with cash, but make sure the cash has been places: cash from an ATM might have no history aside from you withdrawing it.
I’m unsure about the drug trade, but isn’t Monero preferred for ransomware because it’s harder to track than Bitcoin and other crypto? I would assume if it’s good enough for ransomware hostage, it’d be sufficient for illicit purchases.
“Harder to track” is still easier to track than wiring funds overseas to an account made with a stolen identity.
A lot of countries straight up do not respect the FBI and US Government, or have privacy laws preventing cooperation. A popular route would be Switzerland > Trinidad > Russia (but not right now because the Russian monetary system is fucked), it will take forever for law enforcement to get cooperation and then at the end of the line Russia tells them to fuck off.
When Crypto scammers steal from people, they don’t steal Crypto. They have you wire money overseas.
That right there tells you everything you need to know about how useful crypto is as a currency
It tells you how useful it is for covert transfers and discretion.
As I have laid out to multiple people: those have never been what it was for and by design never will be. It is a digital multiple ledger system which replaces the need for a bank.
EDIT: and to be clear theres nothing wrong with banks, but they’re inefficient for a lot of things like payment gateways and can be unreliable.
Yes, by all means, just add wire fraud and identity theft to your portfolio when buying some weed
The user above me said kidnapping. Also it might sound complicated but you could probably set it up in an afternoon.
Did you have to put a coin in your computer to write this comment?
Immediately thought of this when I saw the screenshot.
For the bullet of course
Nice to see this one here. Was going to post myself if no one had already.
Somehow I read that story in my mind in the voice of Matthew McConoghey…
So when I read the alright alright part it definitely had three Alrights.
Great story, got me hooked.
Edit: ah shit, i just read down below that it’s a well known cooypasta. Got me good
You should consider a career as a cyberpunk satirist.It’s a well known copypasta
It’s from The New Yorker
http://archive.today/UTYYE
As I was reading it, I kept thinking how the writing was higher quality than a usual shitpost… this all.lakes sense now!
Huh. TIL. I’ve never seen it before.
Exactly why I posted it! Enjoy.