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“You need to tolerate people constantly crossing your personal boundaries. Forever.”
My sister constantly does things like randomly hug me out of nowhere, even after I asked her not to many many many many many times, and even one time “playfully” slapped my ass in front of everyone.
I was then told that I was an asshole after blowing up on her. Was I? Probably yes. Probably definitely yes. But she was never confronted about her behavior. Now she tells everyone she’s “scared of me” because I yelled at her when she’s “only ever been nice to me.”
I just… I literally am unable to have a relationship with her, ffs. All I want is for her to respect my boundaries???
This year I cut off all ties with my sister and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life. Reason are not quite the same as you but similarly it’s a lot about how she fails to see things from my perspective and how self centered she is. Took me a long time to come to terms that it’s okay to part with my sister, since society sees it as something really extreme. Might not be your case ofc but if you need to, know that it isn’t that crazy of a thing to do.
Is it impulse control?
Like some of the time you can’t control lashing out at things that bother you?
How is that different from a neurotypical?
Because there’s more constant troubling input?
The latter, yes. To make a very blunt but (to me) accurate comparison:
Imagine every work lunch involves people slapping your eyeballs with sausages every ten seconds. It’s fine. You are prepared for it. You have years of practice not letting it visibly bother you. But every once in a while you are not 100% up for it and ask people to “please, sorry, just take a break with the… fucking sausages for five minutes?” and you have completely and utterly fucked up socially.
Just don’t let the sausage eye-slapping bother you.
It is wrong for you to be annoyed by it. Your feelings are wrong.
Other people don’t even notice and you must be like that too.
This in all situations for years and years and the end result is a weird kind of toughening. You get really good at not caring that you sit uncomfortably, are too cold, too hot, are scared, bump your elbow, are exhausted, etc. Then you can get annoyed by people around you letting minor inconveniences stop them while simultaneously calling you sensitive.
I like that analogy, thanks for the explanation.
You still feel inclined to be around others despite the eye-slapping?
I’m irritated a lot of the time by other people and consequently spend less time in social situations.
After you’re an adult, can’t you stop talking to irritating people (most people) and avoid the eye-slapping, or is it all people?
Or is it all things?
You’d still want to socialize :) and people who do irritating things are never (beyond grade school) doing it on purpose. They are friends and colleagues that you want and need to spend time with.
But yeah, you have more control as an adult and minor adjustments make it work. Sit further from the guy who cuts his knife in the plate, go lunch by yourself outside if you’re tired and the lady with the constand loud jovial laugh is at work today, use home office every few days, etc.
Understanding there is a difference that you need to adjust for and not just feeling you have to tough it out constantly, makes all the difference for most.
Makes a lot of sense, thanks.-
I live abroad for a similar reason.
We’re also placed on the bottom of their status hierarchy because we don’t play their game, yet we tolerate their false presentations so that they could be placed as high as possible. What I mean is that we stay quiet when they say or do things that are illogical or misrepresented which allows them to achieve a higher rank than if they were judged on a valid report.
