I currently use fetlife as a way to connect with likeminded individuals. Sometimes they would make post about gender issues (usually female centered, and when it’s male-centered it’s usually about toxic male behaviour or how our problems are created by the ‘patriarchy’.)

To the premise of the post is that the original poster thinks that men get angry at women because they’re allowed to be sexy and feel desirable in ways that men aren’t. Considering fetlife is a kink community, I didn’t see any of that as I’ve seen men in dresses in that community. Though outside of it, I would think it’s more of a case.

However, during that discussion, it seems the term “desirability” is discussed in a way that they mean compliment. When women interact with each other, they compliment each other such as “Omg you’re soo sexy” “slay queen, you are gorgeous” “you have a nice fat ass” or anything of that variant, however most women understood these are just compliments and a way to make other women feel good, not always as an indicator that they wanna fuck. They don’t accept this from men as they see it as an invitation to fuck (and I wouldn’t blame the women here, our society has still conditioned men to their gender role and expectations of men to be the pursuer are still there.)

In terms of the term desirability being treated as a compliment, it’s true men don’t get that often as women do. As a man, I don’t get compliments on how sexy or handsome I am. But I can count the rare times I do get them and even then, I personally saw it as nothing more than a compliment. I know that if I wanted to date a person, I would put in the effort to build that relationship and my potential partner would also put in that effort too if they want the same thing.

But there’s a different kind of desirability I want to talk about. It’s about the feeling of being wanted especially by women. We’re taught that women send signals to show if she desires or wants someone or not, but many of these signals are very subtle. This is because men aren’t brought up in that way and women expect us to just know these signals. Because of this, men sometimes do not feel desirable. What I mean here is men are expected to go up to the person, almost always be the first ones to express desire in a person and wanting to go out. I’ve very rarely had any woman seduce me, had any woman ask for my number, wanting to take me out. This is the desirability that men very much lack, and was a conversation not covered by that post.

Now women don’t show these desires because of their safety. No, I’m not saying women don’t express interest cuz of fear of being raped and murdered, that’s ridiculous. What I am saying is that because society expects a lot from men and the abundance of PUA/TRP material out there, men are training themselves to pounce on every opportunity they get to experience intimacy but can come off as trying to getting some action and aggressive, leading to women closing themselves off and not wanting to ‘tempt’ a man into thinking she wants sex, so this understandably creates a double bind for both parties involved. So if she does express interest in him, there’s a likelihood he’ll latch onto that (tho you can tell me from your experience if this is true as that’s just a theory in my head. I don’t get approached by women like this a lot but maybe there’s a guy out there that does.)

Because most women don’t usually court guys and expect to be courted, guys feel like they have to give their efforts to make them feel good, but they themselves don’t receive that same effort or even appreciation for trying. Anyways, lemme know what you guys think.