= Eleanor (yes that's my real name)
== Overview
* Born 1997
* Female
* Has had romantic partners, but never for long, and never was close with them
* Has friends and family, but cannot talk to them or rely on them for help _(reciprocal)_
== Strengths/Virtues
* Always helps out with anything at all when she knows how _(see *Weaknesses/Flaws*)_
* Highly intelligent re. mathematics, physics
* Generally speaking, can provide emotional support without making a situation worse
* Clarity of thought: in most situations knows why she thinks and feels what she does
== Weaknesses/Flaws
* Has no coherent sense of self
* Rarely knows what the right thing to do is
* Rarely knows what emotion she's feeling as she's feeling it
* Incapable of acting when she has responsibility
* Over-relies on others for emotional support
* Never listens to criticism: either ignores it or ceases to function entirely
* Never listens to praise: shuts down until it stops
== Beliefs
* Her existence is unjustified: she is incapable of earning the space she takes up
* She should not be trusted with any responsibility of any kind
* People do good for no reason, but need a reason to do something they believe is bad
* _(strong)_ Souls are not real: human consciousness is nothing more or less than an emergent feature of electrical connections, which does not persist beyond the function of the brain
== Values
* *Transparency*: the truth of a situation should always be obvious to those in it
* *Understanding* _(strong)_: knowing the underlying principle of a thing is always better than not
* *Empathy/Flexibility* _(hypocritical)_: the expectations on and rules applied to each person must depend on their individual circumstances and (in)capabilities
== Ethical Framework
* Deontological: does not consider her actions individually, but as if everyone did them
* Considers situations with different particulars to warrant different rules
** _(defense)_ Does not consider intention as a particular, only information and action
* _(defense)_ Everyone being miserable because they never look after themselves is considered an unacceptable outcome
* _(defense)_ Everyone being miserable because they stick to rigid rules all the time is considered an unacceptable outcome
== Desires
* _(impossible: psychological)_ A social environment where she is accepted as she is without a mask, and she is not worried everyone will turn on her
* A stable, independent existence, that is not dependent on any personal relationship
* Cessation of mind
== Fears
* Making people's lives/experience worse
* Driving people away
* _(phobia, intense)_ Spiders
== Anxieties
* Everyone who says they like her is only pretending
** _(sometimes)_ They weren't at first, but now they're sick of her
* She's a net negative to everyone she knows
** _(therefore)_ The best thing she can do for them is leave them alone
* She does not deserve to live
** _(dilemma, personal experience)_ Dying also inflicts pain on others
** _(deflection)_ She was and remains a freak accident
* Young children, babies, pregnancy etc.
** Believes she would be unable to cope (correct), yet forces herself to (try and fail to) empathise
** Cannot fit herself into a picture in which people are under such stress and responsibility
** Feels guilt over causing said stress herself, then failing to make up for it
I read that and saw a younger me. I think your #1 on your weaknesses is key to most everything. For me, it took two failed marriages and a shortened career to realize that although I am socially competent, I am almost pathologically introverted. I had a lot of those qualities you mentioned. Try to find yourself. It’s not easy in an online-focused world where it seems everyone is scrabbling for outside acceptance or praise or validation. This article might help. I agreed with most of the steps mentioned at least.
Sorry, I’m a shit designer and had zero luck designing your Bad Place. At best I picture a crowded, loud space where people keep asking you questions, or for help/advice, and then immediately blow you off. Sometimes in mid-sentence.
Hm. I’m not certain if I’m introverted or extroverted or somewhere between; hard to know without people around.
I skimmed the article. Some steps might be possible, some definitely aren’t, and some I feel a physical aversion to. Certainly, I can’t work through it on my own. I was receiving therapy up until around two months ago (psych said it wasn’t helping me anymore and I needed to find someone new, have been unable to interact with new people in any way); I think the problem is deeper, but I don’t know what or how.
Is this like a The Good Place version of Roastme?
I don’t need to design your bad place, you’re already in it. Maybe I’d add people pestering you to reveal all your innermost feelings, and being horrified if you do.
Your self-awareness is impressive. Have you noticed the inherent contradiction in your belief that consciousness is just an emergent property (which I agree with) and the belief that you need to “earn” the right to exist?
In any case, you need therapy. Which will probably be very difficult for you given your anxieties. But I think you would find it worthwhile if you can bring yourself to do it.
You do have a point. Maybe that’s why the Door exists: sometimes, humans simply outdo demons.
Yes, I have noticed. One is a conclusion I’ve come to, the other is…hardwired, I think. That’s how it feels anyway.
I was receiving regular therapy until around two months ago. Practitioner said she couldn’t help me anymore, gave me a list of others; interacting with new people at all has been near impossible lately, much less rehashing my entire life and situation.
I have the feeling the problem is deeper than psychology: my brain might be physically malfunctioning in some way. I mean, if I’m as self-aware as I am but still can’t shift some obviously wrong beliefs, those beliefs must be “bolted down”, so to speak. Does that make sense?
Do you have a primary care provider? Maybe medication would help.
But what medication? I’m on several. I’d need to know what’s going on before I know the right meds. I’m seeing my GP in two days, hoping she has any idea what could be happening.
Yeah, human bodies/brains are so varied it’s difficult to find the right meds. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your health and finding your own good place.
