= Eleanor (yes that's my real name)

== Overview
* Born 1997
* Female
* Has had romantic partners, but never for long, and never was close with them
* Has friends and family, but cannot talk to them or rely on them for help _(reciprocal)_

== Strengths/Virtues
* Always helps out with anything at all when she knows how _(see *Weaknesses/Flaws*)_
* Highly intelligent re. mathematics, physics
* Generally speaking, can provide emotional support without making a situation worse
* Clarity of thought: in most situations knows why she thinks and feels what she does

== Weaknesses/Flaws
* Has no coherent sense of self
* Rarely knows what the right thing to do is
* Rarely knows what emotion she's feeling as she's feeling it
* Incapable of acting when she has responsibility
* Over-relies on others for emotional support
* Never listens to criticism: either ignores it or ceases to function entirely
* Never listens to praise: shuts down until it stops

== Beliefs
* Her existence is unjustified: she is incapable of earning the space she takes up
* She should not be trusted with any responsibility of any kind
* People do good for no reason, but need a reason to do something they believe is bad
* _(strong)_ Souls are not real: human consciousness is nothing more or less than an emergent feature of electrical connections, which does not persist beyond the function of the brain

== Values
* *Transparency*: the truth of a situation should always be obvious to those in it
* *Understanding* _(strong)_: knowing the underlying principle of a thing is always better than not
* *Empathy/Flexibility* _(hypocritical)_: the expectations on and rules applied to each person must depend on their individual circumstances and (in)capabilities

== Ethical Framework
* Deontological: does not consider her actions individually, but as if everyone did them
* Considers situations with different particulars to warrant different rules
** _(defense)_ Does not consider intention as a particular, only information and action
* _(defense)_ Everyone being miserable because they never look after themselves is considered an unacceptable outcome
* _(defense)_ Everyone being miserable because they stick to rigid rules all the time is considered an unacceptable outcome

== Desires
* _(impossible: psychological)_ A social environment where she is accepted as she is without a mask, and she is not worried everyone will turn on her
* A stable, independent existence, that is not dependent on any personal relationship
* Cessation of mind

== Fears
* Making people's lives/experience worse
* Driving people away
* _(phobia, intense)_ Spiders

== Anxieties
* Everyone who says they like her is only pretending
** _(sometimes)_ They weren't at first, but now they're sick of her
* She's a net negative to everyone she knows
** _(therefore)_ The best thing she can do for them is leave them alone
* She does not deserve to live
** _(dilemma, personal experience)_ Dying also inflicts pain on others
** _(deflection)_ She was and remains a freak accident
* Young children, babies, pregnancy etc.
** Believes she would be unable to cope (correct), yet forces herself to (try and fail to) empathise
** Cannot fit herself into a picture in which people are under such stress and responsibility
** Feels guilt over causing said stress herself, then failing to make up for it
  • sin_free_for_00_daysEnglish
    2·
    3 months ago

    I read that and saw a younger me. I think your #1 on your weaknesses is key to most everything. For me, it took two failed marriages and a shortened career to realize that although I am socially competent, I am almost pathologically introverted. I had a lot of those qualities you mentioned. Try to find yourself. It’s not easy in an online-focused world where it seems everyone is scrabbling for outside acceptance or praise or validation. This article might help. I agreed with most of the steps mentioned at least.

    Sorry, I’m a shit designer and had zero luck designing your Bad Place. At best I picture a crowded, loud space where people keep asking you questions, or for help/advice, and then immediately blow you off. Sometimes in mid-sentence.

    • linja@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      2·
      3 months ago

      Hm. I’m not certain if I’m introverted or extroverted or somewhere between; hard to know without people around.

      I skimmed the article. Some steps might be possible, some definitely aren’t, and some I feel a physical aversion to. Certainly, I can’t work through it on my own. I was receiving therapy up until around two months ago (psych said it wasn’t helping me anymore and I needed to find someone new, have been unable to interact with new people in any way); I think the problem is deeper, but I don’t know what or how.