When poet Maggie Smith’s Good Bones went viral, it helped to expose a faultline at the centre of her marriage. What happened when the true dynamic of her relationship was revealed?
I’m dealing with something like this in my family, in a way.
My mother, always an active person, recently sustained an injury that left her bedbound and unable to walk. This had never happened before.
My sister went over to the house and, while she tended to my mother, asked my father if he could make her a grilled cheese sandwich. My mother hadn’t been eating because the medication she’d been taking for the pain had her so nauseated, but her wanting a sandwich was great!
Do you know what my father said? “I don’t know how!” and then “What will I eat?”
This man… a fucking grown-ass man… refused to learn how to do a simple task in order to help his wife who is in agony, then made the whole situation about him!
Do you know what my poor mother was worried about while she was bedbound? She was worried about what my da would eat while she was down!!!
My sisters and I have finally found out that my father views my wonderful mother more as servant to make his life easier, more than he does a partner or even a person. We have now taken over all duties of the home now, since he apparently “dOeSn’T kNoW hOw” to do laundry, cooking, yardwork, tending to plants, cleaning the pool, or barely anything that keeps the house functioning day-to-day. He apparently does not know where anything in the house is located, either.
She has supported that man all his life, through 2 heart attacks, multiple health scares, and everything else! And her injury is nothing more than an inconvenience to him.
The problem here is the fine line to walk that won’t put further burden on my mother. She’s in a vulnerable state right now, and if we drag my father, it becomes her problem because he will put the stress onto her.
Trust me, yesterday I called my sister and absolutely ripped my da apart to her. I was ready to go absolutely shred that man to bits.
But… after talking with her, I am going over there after the weekend and channeling that energy into teaching that useless man how to do shit. He claims he doesn’t know? Great! I’ll be walking him through tasks all day. He has no excuse. He will be made to write shit down, take photos, and, by God, I’ll even teach him how to use that computer he keeps in his pocket to do something other than look up sports scores if he claims not to know something.
And if he refuses and/or feigns incompetence even then? Well… I’ll be letting him know exactly what I think of him.
But for now… for the sake of my mother, I’m stopping my fangs short of his neck. But only for now.
This is almost exactly what my family went through with my grandfather when my grandmother was hospitalized and we went up to help her. It’s amazing what we can accept as normal until something like this happens.
I’m at least happy that y’all were there to help her out. Bless you for that!
I guess I just assumed that someone you married and dedicated your entire life to would be the person who would move heaven and earth for you when they’re hurting. Especially after so much time!
This really shakes me… and definitely makes me rethink marriage in the foreseeable future. At this point, everything I’ve seen and experienced just makes me think that women really do get the short end of the stick in marriages.
Researchers also found that in the year after losing a spouse, men were 70% more likely to die than similarly aged men who did not lose a spouse, while women were 27% more likely to die compared to women who did not become widowed.
“A lot of these older men grew up during a time when men had certain ideas about what was appropriate and not to be masculine,” says Carr. “Men tend to rely very heavily on their spouses, in heterosexual couples, for their social needs to be met.”
This is such a hard thing to see and then to accept as real and truthful. It hurts horribly, so so painful.
When I think of what she gave in order to be there for him, it hurts even more.
When I finally faced this about my ex ,I cried so hard I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t share the same room with him, it felt like a betrayal to me.
However, to him? It was just the water we all swim in. Heartbreaking for both parties I think.
That he shouldn’t experience love in any depth is also tragic.
My sweet mother birthed and raised 10 children from that man.
The fact that he would not even attempt or even attempt to learn to care for her in her moment of agony and need makes me fucking sick.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that heart-shatter with your ex… when you give so much only be left cold, it’s… something so awful and lonely and primal. It hurts so much. I’m so sorry.
It sucks that those are our choices doesn’t it? Live with a little loneliness but a lot of peace and joy , or not lonely but also harassed and always second, third ,or not even there.
Like you, I’ve left the entire idea behind. I dated quite a bit once I was single and was always disappointed. The pool is just not there, at least where I live.
I am way more happy though, and just made peace with things. None of us gets everything in life, I’ve had lots of fun and love my work. I think that is success at this point.
You need to get a smart assistant and ask it how to do a task every time he asks you all. He might eventually figure out that his thumbs aren’t broken and that he can Google shit.
Side note, not sure if this is relevant, but in the US, sometimes Medicare covers home aides that can take over these tasks. There are also rehab wings in some assisted care facilities that are meant to temporarily help people like your mom.
You need to get a smart assistant and ask it how to do a task every time he asks you all.
HE HAS ONE!!!
My mother would skin us if we put her in any place other than her own home. She was out hiking in the wildness barely 2 weeks ago! She is an independent spirit.
I may look into a home aide, though, if this continues.
I’m dealing with something like this in my family, in a way.
My mother, always an active person, recently sustained an injury that left her bedbound and unable to walk. This had never happened before.
My sister went over to the house and, while she tended to my mother, asked my father if he could make her a grilled cheese sandwich. My mother hadn’t been eating because the medication she’d been taking for the pain had her so nauseated, but her wanting a sandwich was great!
Do you know what my father said? “I don’t know how!” and then “What will I eat?”
This man… a fucking grown-ass man… refused to learn how to do a simple task in order to help his wife who is in agony, then made the whole situation about him!
Do you know what my poor mother was worried about while she was bedbound? She was worried about what my da would eat while she was down!!!
My sisters and I have finally found out that my father views my wonderful mother more as servant to make his life easier, more than he does a partner or even a person. We have now taken over all duties of the home now, since he apparently “dOeSn’T kNoW hOw” to do laundry, cooking, yardwork, tending to plants, cleaning the pool, or barely anything that keeps the house functioning day-to-day. He apparently does not know where anything in the house is located, either.
She has supported that man all his life, through 2 heart attacks, multiple health scares, and everything else! And her injury is nothing more than an inconvenience to him.
I hooe you’re absolutely dragging his arse otherwise you and your sisters are his new set of enablers
The problem here is the fine line to walk that won’t put further burden on my mother. She’s in a vulnerable state right now, and if we drag my father, it becomes her problem because he will put the stress onto her.
Trust me, yesterday I called my sister and absolutely ripped my da apart to her. I was ready to go absolutely shred that man to bits.
But… after talking with her, I am going over there after the weekend and channeling that energy into teaching that useless man how to do shit. He claims he doesn’t know? Great! I’ll be walking him through tasks all day. He has no excuse. He will be made to write shit down, take photos, and, by God, I’ll even teach him how to use that computer he keeps in his pocket to do something other than look up sports scores if he claims not to know something.
And if he refuses and/or feigns incompetence even then? Well… I’ll be letting him know exactly what I think of him.
But for now… for the sake of my mother, I’m stopping my fangs short of his neck. But only for now.
Best of luck. I truly hope the man surprises you and steps up
This is almost exactly what my family went through with my grandfather when my grandmother was hospitalized and we went up to help her. It’s amazing what we can accept as normal until something like this happens.
I’m at least happy that y’all were there to help her out. Bless you for that!
I guess I just assumed that someone you married and dedicated your entire life to would be the person who would move heaven and earth for you when they’re hurting. Especially after so much time!
This really shakes me… and definitely makes me rethink marriage in the foreseeable future. At this point, everything I’ve seen and experienced just makes me think that women really do get the short end of the stick in marriages.
Also:
https://time.com/6265173/men-dying-after-spouse-dies/
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0282892
This is such a hard thing to see and then to accept as real and truthful. It hurts horribly, so so painful. When I think of what she gave in order to be there for him, it hurts even more. When I finally faced this about my ex ,I cried so hard I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t share the same room with him, it felt like a betrayal to me.
However, to him? It was just the water we all swim in. Heartbreaking for both parties I think. That he shouldn’t experience love in any depth is also tragic.
My sweet mother birthed and raised 10 children from that man.
The fact that he would not even attempt or even attempt to learn to care for her in her moment of agony and need makes me fucking sick.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that heart-shatter with your ex… when you give so much only be left cold, it’s… something so awful and lonely and primal. It hurts so much. I’m so sorry.
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It sucks that those are our choices doesn’t it? Live with a little loneliness but a lot of peace and joy , or not lonely but also harassed and always second, third ,or not even there.
Like you, I’ve left the entire idea behind. I dated quite a bit once I was single and was always disappointed. The pool is just not there, at least where I live.
I am way more happy though, and just made peace with things. None of us gets everything in life, I’ve had lots of fun and love my work. I think that is success at this point.
Cheers, glad any of this helped!
You need to get a smart assistant and ask it how to do a task every time he asks you all. He might eventually figure out that his thumbs aren’t broken and that he can Google shit.
Side note, not sure if this is relevant, but in the US, sometimes Medicare covers home aides that can take over these tasks. There are also rehab wings in some assisted care facilities that are meant to temporarily help people like your mom.
HE HAS ONE!!!
My mother would skin us if we put her in any place other than her own home. She was out hiking in the wildness barely 2 weeks ago! She is an independent spirit.
I may look into a home aide, though, if this continues.
My grandma is the same way and I get it lol
You and your sister are a golden rainbow for putting up with your dad’s bullshit.