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Cake day: August 8th, 2023

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  • Despite the slurs, Mr Swenson was glad that the hackers had announced their presence so loudly. It would have been much worse, he said, if they had decided to quietly observe his family inside their home. They could’ve peered through his robot’s camera, and listened through the microphone, without him having the slightest clue.

    Who says they didn’t???

    Even if Mr Swenson had used the same username and password on other sites, and if those credentials had been leaked online, that still should not have been enough to access the video feed or to control the robot remotely. These features are supposed to be protected by a four-digit PIN. The PIN code was only checked by the app, rather than by the server or robot.

    I don’t even…




  • January 20, 2021

    Joe,

    Well, Joe, you made it. A lot of people said you wouldn’t. Frankly, I’m surprised, but here we are. You know, this job—it’s not easy. People don’t understand. They think they know, but they have no idea. Believe me, it’s the toughest job in the world. I did it better than anyone ever has, that I can tell you. People say it all the time. But now it’s your turn. Let’s see what you’ve got.

    You’re going to learn quickly, Joe. The media? They’ll love you at first. They’re on your side now, we all know that, OK? They never treated me fairly. It was a witch hunt from day one. Fake news—nonstop. But here’s the thing: they’ll turn on you too. Trust me, they always do. And when they do, you’ve got to be ready. They’re not your friends, Joe. They never were.

    Let’s talk about the swamp. You know it’s bad, I know it’s bad—everybody knows it’s bad. But it’s worse than you think. Much worse. They’ll smile to your face and stab you in the back. I cleaned a lot of it up—did an incredible job, by the way—but you’ve got to watch out. You’ve been here 47 years, but I don’t think you’ve seen what I’ve seen. Be strong, Joe. You’re going to need to be stronger than you’ve ever been.

    America First, Joe. Always. I rebuilt this country. Best economy in history. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. Record jobs, record stock market, and then—boom—the China virus hit. Total disaster. But we handled it amazingly. You’re inheriting something great, don’t mess it up. People love America First, Joe. You’d better not forget that. The radical left—they’ll try to pull you away from it. Don’t let them do it. They’ll ruin everything. Believe me, they’re bad news. Very bad news.

    And here’s the thing: they’ll tell you to undo everything we did—big mistake. Huge. The military? I rebuilt it. Our trade deals? Best deals we’ve ever had. You don’t want to go back to the old way. It was a disaster before me. Total disaster. Keep what works, Joe, even if they tell you not to. They won’t admit it, but they know I was right. Everybody knows it.

    Anyway, Joe, good luck. You’re gonna need it. We’ll see what happens, right? A lot of people are watching. And you never know, maybe I’ll be back in 2024. People are talking about it. A lot of people.

    Donald J. Trump
    45th President of the United States

    P.S. Don’t let Kamala take over. I hear she’s already measuring the drapes. Sad!

    Edit: forgot to mention that this is not the real letter. Obviously.