So I had a situation at work where the project lead refused to communicate with me, and instead went to my boss about everything. I thought it was me, but my (male) boss suggested it might be misogyny. (My work is male dominated. I’m the only female lead of my role in the company.)
I occasionally run into situations where someone, man or woman, not only dislikes me but does everything they can to destroy me. I figure I’m just offputting, but I’ve had unrelated comments from others that it is because I’m direct and opinionated, and not afraid to defend my opinion.
I’m having a hard time mentally processing the opposing concepts that I’m a bad person, and that is why I make this kind of enemy, and that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s their problem.
For the record, I have all kinds of self- deprecating behaviors to try to soften my opinions, and they generally work. Just sometimes, there is no way for me to have a perspective and not be offensive to someone.
I’d welcome your experiences and thoughts, if any.
Thank you. My friend and boss’s boss was the only female leader in my part of the company, and she recently passed away from cancer. It’s been hard missing my mentor on top of dealing with this.
I really appreciate the rest of your advice. I don’t think my softening behaviors sabotage me, in fact it’s when I forget them to focus on the problem that I get in trouble. But maybe I should think more about that.
Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. That sounds really rough. I’d feel super lost too if someone so important was no longer around.
It’s a difficult line to walk. To these people if you’re too direct you become the ‘bossy bitch’. Too soft and they push you over. Learning to soften language in ways which don’t water down the message but make it less attackable - ‘I think that we should’ vs. ‘we should’ is essentially the same message, but the ‘I think’ preface makes it softer and less opportune to attack (it’s just your opinion, rather than a statement of fact, even if both statements are functionally the same).
To be clear, I’m obviously not you and I’m not around for your discussions nor do I really know what you mean when you say ‘self-deprecating’, but I just want to make sure you’re aware that these kinds of people will absolutely use some self-deprecating behavior against you. If you joke that you’re incompetent, they will use it to claim that you are, in fact, incompetent. Anyhow, you’re smart and hopefully you can can sift through the advice I’m trying to leave here to find the most useful information for what you’re going through.
Yes, the “I think” is exactly the type of thing I meant about self- deprecating behaviors. I am not good at naturally soft language, but it’s exhausting to be constantly trying to monitor that.
Thank you so much for being a sounding board.