I’m trapped here, too! While I’m not happy about the situation, I’m incredibly excited to see all of my old history teachers get shit on when Texans find out that:

• While we CAN split into 5 states, we CANNOT form our own country without repercussions. The concept of Texas returning to its own country is not in any constitution nor agreement. While there is an agreement that we can become multiple states, it’s redundant when compared to Article IV, Section 3 of the US freaking Constitution.

• We’re not the only state that was once it’s own country. Hell, Hawaii was not only its own sovereign nation, it was a fucking kingdom. Other than being the biggest, dumbest, and drunkest, no part of our previous classification before joining the Union is special considering that Vermont was its own country 40% longer than we were.

• As long as we’re dispelling ignorant Texas myths, no we’re not the only state who can fly their flag at the same height as the US flag. Literally any state can. They’re called flag codes and they’re insanely easy to find and read. You’ll find that most self-avowed “patriots” tend to breach the most flag codes.

There’s no such thing as “Texas pride” anymore. It’s all been replaced with ignorance and disrespect. The last time we got drunk and punched our landlord in the face, we spent 10 years boisterously bragging about how cool it is to be dirty and homeless while quietly crying to our northern neighbor and begging them to bring us in off the streets. And while we told everyone that one of things that made us so cool was how hard we shit our pants when we defeated Mexico got abandoned by Mexico like a parent too disappointed in their child to even argue anymore, we got so desperate for a new mommy or daddy that we considered going home with anyone who made the mistake of looking at us while walking by:

But even while coming to prize independence, Texas found itself weak and bankrupt, newly menaced by a Mexico that never recognized her right to exist. With historical repercussions that can only be guessed at today, the country’s leaders seriously considered taking Texas into the British Empire.

So, to our future Piss Baby in Chief, I dare you to try. My city alone has a shocking number of military bases and I’m sure any one of them can easily get foreign-leader-killing drones in the air within seconds of having a new enemy holding US troops hostage.