I just found out my best friend of over a decade is transphobic. I don’t really have more to say. I’m just devastated and feeling really alone.
hug sorry I don’t have more to offer.
I’m so sorry.
On the opposite side from what others are saying (though I don’t disagree with them), it’s not your responsibility to fix them or change their mind if it would risk your safety… even if you have the means. It’s a difficult position, and it could create even more resentment. You’re a part of your community, but you have to keep yourself safe, too.
I’m so sorry, sending love your way. People can change, and it may take you moving on from them and finding more loving and supportive community for that time happen, but it’s not something you can/should be expected to force. You deserve supportive people in your life! They’re out there and ready to accept you with open arms ❤️
Hopefully they grow as a person and change in time.
Growing up in a fundamentalist Christian extremist family, it can be hard to rewrite one’s own objective moral code. It takes time and reflection to develop philosophically and emotionally independent of the socially isolated projected/pressured rigid stances that may have gone unquestioned since birth. It took me years of atheism to really take control of my own moral compass independent of any peer pressure and I’m sure I still have room to grow.
I don’t mean to project myself onto your friend. I just wanted to say, with some substance: Much love! People can change!
Agreed here, I didn’t think I was until later in life when it hit me that most of what I believed was just because a parent or the church told me to. Most of the time these people when confronted will double down on their beliefs because questioning anything that has been said by a pastor/priest means questioning their entire religion. Even just asking why it’s a bad thing causes them to retreat in and start loudly defending themselves because this is what the church teaches them to do. Warriors of god and all that indoctrination.
OP best thing IMO is to just state matter of factly that “Just because you believe this doesn’t mean everyone else does” (not questioning them or anything just clear messaging) and that it is offensive to you. They are trained to argue and defend themselves, shut that shit down. You can also avoid them, but it does push them further into their beliefs. Catch 22 there
i feel you! i found out my ex-bf (we still were friends, broke up in a good, mutual way) thought andrew tate or fresh & fit gave great advise and denied any misogyny whatsoever. my world was shook to the core, would never have guessed that. ig if you want you could try to talk to them, idk your situation but i couldn’t, i was way to upset. just know its fine to put yourself first and protect yourself, even if it means to cut someone of you cared so deeply about. also i want to say its not your fault for not realising it earlier, sometimes people change. i know for a fact my ex did, still gave myself a hard time over this. i hope you have other friends to help you through this time! 🫂❤️🩹
Nothing says “loving and respecting others” quite like following Andrew Tate.
🫂
If they’re your best friend, they should be able to listen to you.
I used to have many shit opinions, and it took a lot of friends and a lot of conversations for me to change. It’s hard. But it’s thanks to them that I get to step into the best version of myself and be able to give back… Just know you are in a unique position to maybe get through to them, if they’re willing to listen.
That being said… I’m so sorry. I’ve lost close family to bigotry and it sucks. It’s the betrayal that’s the worst part. It’s like… I know you aren’t like this, so how did you get this way? Just sucks
I recommend this video, it helped me understand how I can hopefully change some people’s opinions as time goes on.
Hey, just wanna say I really appreciated that video, thanks for sharing!
It was recommended to me one day and I really hope it is something the YouTube algorithm is pushing in general and not something super personalized since I watch a number of trans content creators. I kinda want it to be seen by some people who are on the fence about all this, one can only hope.
Hey, this is a great video. I decided to watch it and it’s worth it for sure even if you don’t need to watch it for his intended purpose. Thanks for sharing.
I’m so sorry. Many people harbor these kind of beliefs and just keep them to themselves. Cracking open a door into someone’s heart and finding darkness there is always devastating. I’ve been betrayed by a lot of people this way - people who are ready to smile and make nice but secretly think you’re delusional and that trans people just decide to be trans so we can get attention (oh, we get attention all right - the bad kind!) and be professional victims or some such bullshit. These people are deeply insecure and angry - possibly even resentful - when they see trans people thriving. Like all bigots, they are projecting their own emotional baggage onto you.
Unfortunately, we can’t control other people’s behavior; we can’t force others to rightfully embrace love. We can only control ourselves & our own reactions. If you feel it’s safe to continue associating with this person, and you want to do so, you can attempt to educate them (with the caveat that this will be a soul-crushing experience regardless of whether you change their mind - and you may never change their mind). Otherwise, you should distance yourself from this person and aggressively tend to yourself and your spirit during this time. For every bit of pain you felt finding out this horrible truth about your friend, love yourself tenfold. Love yourself in spite of this. Love yourself a thousand times more deeply for hearing this. Seek out joy & comfort from friends and activities that enrich you. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship you thought you had with this person, and then strengthen the relationships of those who love you for who you are.
Take care of yourself now and always, my friend. Sending love & light your way.
Hugs from a stranger should you want it
New best friend time!
Sorry to hear you’re feeling that way, OP, but just know you’ll find better people out there.
“Transphobic” is used a variety of ways, and means different things to different people. What exactly do you mean? For example, are they actively hateful, or just freaked out? Is it religious bias?
I imagine they wouldn’t be your best friend if they were a terrible person, so things may not be as bad as they seem. Perhaps it would only take some genuine listening and nonjudgmental education to solve this problem. If handled carefully and respectfully, this could be a great opportunity to change someone’s outlook in a positive way.
If they don’t go out of their way to put a burden on trans’ people lives (and I don’t think they do otherwise you would have detected that pretty earlier in the decade of friendship), also remember OP that it’s always easier to be LGBT-fobic when no one you know is LGBT. They’ll have to measure their transphobia and their love for you in a balance. And sometimes, love wins.
this could be a great opportunity to change someone’s outlook in a positive way.
It could, but I don’t have the energy to educate people these days. I might send them some links if I really cared about them, but I have too little time and energy to politely explain for the millionth time that sex != gender. Same reason I don’t have the energy to educate flat earthers.
But if they are really close friends it might be worth it.
I’m so sorry. Sending you peace and love
Is there any chance the recent media frenzy has given them a perspective when they didn’t feel strongly before? Any chance they can be swayed to recognize trans people aren’t hurting anyone and are just living their lives?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds incredibly difficult and frustrating.
Internet hugs.
I’m so sorry. Just know that there are lots of people out there who hasn’t fallen pray to the hate propaganda and would be proud to call you their friend. hug
