Rent a tuxedo and a limousine; tell her you’re taking her out for a nice night, and do so - dinner at a nice restaurant with drinks and all that. Candles and shit. Before dessert comes, get down on one knee. Look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to you - how you’ll always love and cherish her. Reach into your pocket, and pull out a Venus. Maintain eye contact. Then pop the question.

Start referring to her as your sexy Gorilla

This will probably end in disaster

Buy her a small doll brush for her hairy bodyparts. Set up a daily brushing ritual by annoucing it by ringing a bell for maximum conditioning. Buy small pearls and ornaments, that you weave into the longest of her hairs on her legs and arms. Call her your Afghan Hound. Bark when you cone home. Whenever you watch TV and a Shaving ad runs, visibly, without looking at her, slowly increase the volume and decrease it as slowly when the ad is over. Be obvious. Never talk about it. Have always a big bowl of Kiwis at the dinnertable, that you all shave in her present and be very vocal about how it is very important for you. Put hair in every second dish and make it a constant topic of discussions. Do so at every restaurant visit too. Collect every clog of hair from every drain at home and store it visibly in big masonjars on shelves above the doorframes and label them (with an electronic labelmachine) all with her name. Pay for her and your therapy two years later.

Tell her the neighborhood is holding a competition of lushest carpet, and you need to take some pictures.

Forge a letter from the HOA issuing a citation for an improperly kept “private front lawn”.

Tell her you have developed a new kink, waxing Dom.

Buy her a thong bikini and tell her you have entered her into the Ms. Rec Center competition in two days time.

Honey, if I ever go bald would you donate some of those pussy hairs for the top of my head?

They’re so long and luxurious

Intentionally infect yourself with lice.

Play “Fortunate Son” and/or Huey helicopter noises every time you go down.

Get a miniature machete like the ones they use in the films to cut vines etc. when trying to get through a jungle and bring it with you when you are going down on her.

Bonus points if you get a jungle outfit like nigel thornberry.

Buy her a spa day or coupon with a massage or something nice that she likes and include the hair removal option as extra.

Once done make sure you let her know how much you liked the shaved areas. Hopefully she will catch on and continue doing it herself. Otherwise repeat the process. There are even some places where you can buy monthly subscriptions she can go to.

Avoid confronting her on this. Not worth it and you could hurt her feelings. Of course it depends on your relationship with her. If both of you feel comfortable talking and discussing such topics then go ahead.

Just grow out a nice thick beard and go down on her until she turns the tables on you.

Compliment her on her luxurious and erotic moostash.

Sneeze every time you go down

“You know how I like things to stay smooth between us?”

Ask her if she’d like a bigger brush … or a lawnmower

Baby, I feel like I been cat-grooming a fuckin Snatchsquatch. I got hot towels, a basin of hot water, clippers and a razor. Spread em. I’m killing that fuckin thing.