I strongly believe that a friend of mine has undiagnosed ADHD. The degree to which everyone around him keeps saying, “he’s not atypical, he just to stop being a fuck up and commit to something” is frustrating. My man needs treatment, not tough love.
“he’s a smart kid, he just needs to apply himself” and “but you know what to do here, I’ve seen you do it so why are you having problems with it now?”
Both are things I’ve heard constantly through my life. Made me feel horrible about myself every single time because I didn’t understand why at the time either.
Most of my teachers just assumed I was pissing about behind their backs and would ask me “you must know why you haven’t been able to complete the work/homework/task” even if I had been listening and really trying.
Took the whole of primary school and the first year of secondary school before I actually got a teacher who understood and helped me to actually get somewhere.
Still not officially diagnosed just because of how shockingly bad adult ADHD diagnosis is in the UK and not being able to go private but most all the techniques I’ve used have worked and I think almost any GP that would look at me would probably agree.
Just to say, anyone who might be reading this and can imagine themselves saying/have said these in the past, please don’t. You have no idea how unhelpful/damaging talking like this can actually be to someone who really needs the extra support.
I had a 2.5 GPA in high school during the Bush era No Child Left Behind times and remember their fucking brown boring ass book packets for homework and class…and LOATHING those unstimulating ass books just to get told I am just not smart enough to be in better classes. Until I unlocked the upper level AP classes my last two years of high school, which didn’t need an exam to get placement. Got a 4.0 the next school year and 4.5 cumulative my last year, its unfucking believable how many other students are and have likely been held back by how education is served to neurodivergents and hell even neurotypical folks.
2.0 is straight C’s
3.0 is straight B’s
4.0 is straight A’s
5.0 is straight A’s but with AP classes (college level) buffing it up
Man, I feel that. Something that I’ve been thinking about for a while now is how disabled people (whether it’s a condition that affects their brain, or body, or both) end up sort of “stress-testing” society.
In this case, your comment makes me sad because I’ve seen similar instances to what you describe, but also, I am reminded of countless more people who seem unlikely to have ADHD, but also don’t do well with tough love. The harmful impact of tough love is more pronounced in people with ADHD though, and that’s what I mean about “stress-testing”.
This opinion is also heavily informed by the fact that I’m also autistic and diagnosed in my teens. I spent too many years trying to fit myself in a box that would never fit me, and I see so many people who *technically" fit in the box, but seem profoundly uncomfortable. From this angle, autism feels like my ticket to liberation because I think if I could fit inside the box (of societal expectations etc.), then I’d have accepted making myself uncomfortable in a model that wasn’t built for my wellbeing.
it’s the old adage that designing for disability benefits everyone, and good lord it just never stops being true.
like, no one functions perfectly at all times, EVERYONE has points in their life where they just can’t perform to expected standard and if things are built with disabilities in mind then they can simply make use of that when needed.
Sure you might have two functional legs right now, but who knows when you’ll lose one or both? and at some point you’ll become old and gangly and the idea of walking 3 stories with groceries will make you weep. So maybe let’s design things with disability in mind so it’s simply never a thing anyone has to worry about.
I feel ya. I think that for mild mental health issues, simply giving people an acceptable excuse for “not having to fit in the box,” probably does more than the actual treatment.
This is true for so many things. Tough love rarely works for anyone, for any reason. I can’t wait for the day when it’s no longer so deeply ingrained in American culture as the answer to every single problem. It can really fuck people up far worse than they were to begin with, especially kids. I don’t know what the fuck people are thinking when they decide that treating someone like crap will make them a better person.
I’ve got depression and anxiety. I went undiagnosed for way too long and believed I was just a fuckup, unable to live a full life in our society because of some personal failings. It took a long time to love myself. My friends who reinforced the fuckup narrative aren’t my friends anymore.
I strongly believe that a friend of mine has undiagnosed ADHD. The degree to which everyone around him keeps saying, “he’s not atypical, he just to stop being a fuck up and commit to something” is frustrating. My man needs treatment, not tough love.
“he’s a smart kid, he just needs to apply himself” and “but you know what to do here, I’ve seen you do it so why are you having problems with it now?”
Both are things I’ve heard constantly through my life. Made me feel horrible about myself every single time because I didn’t understand why at the time either.
Most of my teachers just assumed I was pissing about behind their backs and would ask me “you must know why you haven’t been able to complete the work/homework/task” even if I had been listening and really trying.
Took the whole of primary school and the first year of secondary school before I actually got a teacher who understood and helped me to actually get somewhere.
Still not officially diagnosed just because of how shockingly bad adult ADHD diagnosis is in the UK and not being able to go private but most all the techniques I’ve used have worked and I think almost any GP that would look at me would probably agree.
Just to say, anyone who might be reading this and can imagine themselves saying/have said these in the past, please don’t. You have no idea how unhelpful/damaging talking like this can actually be to someone who really needs the extra support.
I had a 2.5 GPA in high school during the Bush era No Child Left Behind times and remember their fucking brown boring ass book packets for homework and class…and LOATHING those unstimulating ass books just to get told I am just not smart enough to be in better classes. Until I unlocked the upper level AP classes my last two years of high school, which didn’t need an exam to get placement. Got a 4.0 the next school year and 4.5 cumulative my last year, its unfucking believable how many other students are and have likely been held back by how education is served to neurodivergents and hell even neurotypical folks.
2.0 is straight C’s
3.0 is straight B’s
4.0 is straight A’s
5.0 is straight A’s but with AP classes (college level) buffing it up
Man, I feel that. Something that I’ve been thinking about for a while now is how disabled people (whether it’s a condition that affects their brain, or body, or both) end up sort of “stress-testing” society.
In this case, your comment makes me sad because I’ve seen similar instances to what you describe, but also, I am reminded of countless more people who seem unlikely to have ADHD, but also don’t do well with tough love. The harmful impact of tough love is more pronounced in people with ADHD though, and that’s what I mean about “stress-testing”.
This opinion is also heavily informed by the fact that I’m also autistic and diagnosed in my teens. I spent too many years trying to fit myself in a box that would never fit me, and I see so many people who *technically" fit in the box, but seem profoundly uncomfortable. From this angle, autism feels like my ticket to liberation because I think if I could fit inside the box (of societal expectations etc.), then I’d have accepted making myself uncomfortable in a model that wasn’t built for my wellbeing.
it’s the old adage that designing for disability benefits everyone, and good lord it just never stops being true.
like, no one functions perfectly at all times, EVERYONE has points in their life where they just can’t perform to expected standard and if things are built with disabilities in mind then they can simply make use of that when needed.
Sure you might have two functional legs right now, but who knows when you’ll lose one or both? and at some point you’ll become old and gangly and the idea of walking 3 stories with groceries will make you weep. So maybe let’s design things with disability in mind so it’s simply never a thing anyone has to worry about.
I feel ya. I think that for mild mental health issues, simply giving people an acceptable excuse for “not having to fit in the box,” probably does more than the actual treatment.
This is true for so many things. Tough love rarely works for anyone, for any reason. I can’t wait for the day when it’s no longer so deeply ingrained in American culture as the answer to every single problem. It can really fuck people up far worse than they were to begin with, especially kids. I don’t know what the fuck people are thinking when they decide that treating someone like crap will make them a better person.
I’ve got depression and anxiety. I went undiagnosed for way too long and believed I was just a fuckup, unable to live a full life in our society because of some personal failings. It took a long time to love myself. My friends who reinforced the fuckup narrative aren’t my friends anymore.