Maybe a good parent. Definitely the worst “girlfriends dad” any of her boyfriends ever met. I never needed to clean a gun when meeting them to be intimidating.

I can’t start with my personal favorite with no context. So I’ll start with Zach:

1. Zach: All three of us were shopping at Walmart. Rachael wanted to prank him by ditching him and pretending we turned invisible. Silly I know. He called her cell and she explained we were still in the isle just invisible. He asked (on speaker btw) “then what am I doing right now?” I replied “waving your hands around like an idiot”

2. my personal favorite. A heavyset boy I never saw again: I was just getting in from work. the boy said “I heard a lot about you, and your jokes. Don’t worry nothing you can say will offend me” I accepted the challenge with “nice Spider-Man shirt. I like how legs give your boobs wings” I didn’t even break stride as I said it. Never saw him again, and I heard he never wore that shirt again.

3. Joey the possessive jerk: I go out to smoke at like 10 and he’s standing there. “Joey… Racheal said she needed space, this doesn’t look like space. Why are you here” he replied “I’m not leaving until I talk to her”. I laughed. I couldn’t even be mad at the poor heartbroken boy… But still I replied “do you have money for an Uber or do I need to call you one” sheepishly he answered “I got money…” “Good. Call them from the park. Get the fuck off my porch” that boy was a jerk. A couple more jokes I told him "I don’t even know you two were dating for the first year. I thought you were a cupholder " and “youre the only person I’ve met who can startle someone mid-conversation ‘SHIT, sorry joey. Forgot you were there… talking to me…’”

4. Lastly Edrick. I kinda like him. We were at the beach and Rachael went to get something she forgot from her car. “Edrick why don’t you go help Rachael?” He replied “she’s got it. I thought we could hang out and talk” I answered “the only thing we have in common, just went back to the car. We have nothing else to talk about. Go join your girlfriend”

Edit: to be clear I’ve told all the boys if they end up getting married we can be best friends. Young love comes and goes. I have no desire to be friends with someone who might be gone tomorrow.

They dated for about three years. He eventually moved in with us because he had trouble at home.

One day she comes up to me and simply said “were breaking up… I don’t want to talk about it”

I replied “well… He lives here. We’re eventually going to have to talk about it.”

Anyway nothing major happened they just drifted apart over the years. He moved out voluntarily a little while later.

and ruin all the beautiful scenarios my imagination prefers to write?