I’m a bit lost here, to be fair. I went full no contact with my family back when I was 16. Took a hike, even across countries. So, apparently what happened, was my ex brother in law not keeping his mouth shut and sharing my number with my family. I still can’t make heads or tails of it. But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly. I’m not super mad at him, more at the rest of my family, but it seriously hurts right now. What am I supposed to do? I’m at a loss here. Haven’t really talked to the person for over 21 years.
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Just be really rude, it makes the message clear
You don’t owe them anything just because you share blood. That being said.
Without knowing the background: if it was not him you’re mad at, he might just want to have contact with his offspring. Nothing inherently bad. So why not? Can’t hurt. It’s not yes or no forever. Test what he REALLY wants and decide then? At least you can never blame yourself in the future for not trying, if you’re inclined to doing these things.
But if there is any toxicity at all, fuck it. Ground rule #1 in life: cut toxic people out. Period. Be it blood or stranger. Doesn’t matter. But you already did this long ago, so kudos for that.
Crazy that you say “can’t hurt” despite OP explicitly stating that it already hurts even at the place in the decision making that they are currently in.
You never asked to be born. Your parents wanted that. You owe blood relatives nothing. Family are the people you love.
Family is who you treat like family.
With no context on what caused you to go no-contact, nobody can give you a worth-a-shit answer.
Did he beat you, violently rape you, murder your mother, and rip off your pet birds head and shit in its corpse? You should definitely stay no-contact.
Did they make a mistake that anyone could make and you were just an angsty teenager that overreacted? You should probably talk to them.
Without the context of that interaction, don’t take anyone’s advice here.
I’ve been no contact for almost the same amount of time, so I’ll tell you how I’d feel in the same boat.
My dad had no backbone to protect me while I was in his house, and he didn’t bother trying to stay in my life after I left. He may not have done the abuse, but he definitely allowed it to happen due to inaction. I am always going to miss the parents I thought I had, but it won’t add anything positive to my life to have contact again.
He is a stranger in a familiar coat
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With absolutely zero context to what caused the rift initially – I’ll just say you only get one shot in this life, it’s up to you to make it count. Most people would be heartbroken having zero contact with their children, it’s entirely possibly he’s decided enough is enough? Ultimately, is reconnecting going to negatively impact your life? If yes, simply ignore the attempt.
Maybe cut him some slack? A lot can happen in 20 years.
If OP has made it clear he doesn’t want someone around, and they violate it by sharing phone numbers and sending texts and trying to get back in, then the family isn’t respecting boundaries and is probably why they got cut off in the first place.
Going no contact is often a last resort after a lifetime of pain. It’s nothing something people do casually.
Meh, that is a bit extreme without knowing anything about the history. OP even said they’re not really angry with their father. I think it’s fair to reach out after over 20 years. If OP still wants no contact, they can communicate this and if their father doesn’t respect that, then I’d say you have a valid point.
With respect, 16 year old brains are not physically developed enough to make that decision. It’s why we don’t let them vote.
Things may look different today. I stand by my suggestion.
anyone who’s been abused as a teenager could tell your differently. your advice is wrong, sorry.
It isn’t really. But you are, of course, entitled to your opinion.
Entitled is an ironic choice of words for someone who’s never been abused and says teenage abuse victims aren’t “developed enough” to go no-contact with their abuser. Foolish human. If you respond I’ll block you instantly without reading it to verify that you’ve read and understood my comment.
16 year olds would call getting grounded abuse. But there’s not enough info to know whats up in any way.
But you do seem like an absolute asshole, so I’m blocking you. And no I’m not the person you replied to.
You seem nice.
Yeah the guy isn’t a stranger to L takes. “Maybe cut the guy some slack” pfffft. Abused or neglected at 16? Nah you’re too young to know that apparently.
Listen to your you.
I went NC with my father when I was 13. About 10 years later we were in the same hospital room as his mom was getting ready to die. Then again a year later when his dad was, I asked the hospice nurse to remove him for my visit.
About 10 years after that I got a call from my step sis that my father was dying and likely wouldn’t make it past a couple of days, that now was the time to come make amends.
I am so damn thankfull for that call. I still relish that I had the opportunity to actively say “No.” Fuck that guy, worst human I’ve ever met. My life has been awesome without him.
“Fuck that” is perfectly valid. You don’t owe them anything, and I think you should be extremely selfish in deciding whether to talk to them. You went no contact for a good reason.
Is there something you want to hear from them? E.g. “I’m sorry”
What would you want from the relationship?IF you decide that you want a relationship, having clearly defined reasons for why you’re doing it will help in assessing if you’re getting what you want from it, and if you should continue the relationship.
YOU call the shots. YOU define the boundaries. There are no wrong answers.
Want to talk to him (and him only) on the phone for 20 minutes, once a year? Perfectly fine.
Happy birthday texts only? Valid.
You like no contact? No problem.I lost my dad shortly after I got back in contact with him, and not trying to make up with him sooner is one of my greatest regrets. Obviously your situation may be different but it’s probably worth giving him a second chance.
“More at the rest of the family”
If you’re not mad at him that make that clear.
“Yo I’m NC with the family. Not mad at you and if you can STFU I’m willing to consider a discussion. But I’m doing this for you, not for me. What do you want?”
But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly
There’s your answer, specially crafted by you, for you.
You can also tell the family that gave out your contact information without permission that since they have no concept of personal boundaries, you will not be taking any calls or visits from them, if you wish.
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As someone who’s mostly NC with a parent and considered going full NC I would hesitate listening to people who likely have little understanding of why people go NC with family.
I’ve heard many a “you can’t chose your family” from people when they have no idea what they’re speaking on. If you think the reason for going NC with someone has changed; sure consider giving him a chance. If you have a therapist or someone similar in your life ask them for their take. No judgement here for maintaining NC with someone who made you feel it was necessary to go NC at 16 though.
If you’re willing and comfortable to share why you went no contact, the context will help people give you more considered advice.
I can’t imagine the wave of feelings and memories getting that message from your father after all this time. I hope you find the right advice you need to support you through this.
That’s 100% dependent on why you went no contact in the first place. It doesn’t sound like you owe him anything, so your only question is how it relates to your own feelings.
If your ex brother in law has both your and his contact info, it sounds like he could’ve reached out indirectly at any point.
To add a bit for OP. This is 100% context dependent, I agree. My partner did this with her family and it was the correct choice imo. I have never met such a group of toxic individuals before—holy cow. To the point I felt like I was incredibly sheltered. She has some insane stories, somehow always worse than the last.
I get turning the other cheek, and looking at things from other’s perspective, but sometimes that just won’t do it. People can be truly awful and you have to take care of yourself when others don’t have the wherewithal (EQ) to understand the damage they do.
A lot of people get increasingly sentimental as they get older and the guy’s your dad. You don’t owe him anything and don’t have to engage at all, but he’d likely be grateful for even a surface level relationship with his estranged kid if you’re at all interested.
When I split from my ex, who had become abusive, my second to oldest daughter said she wouldn’t even go to his funeral if he died.
It’s been ten years, and in the intervening time, he’s quit drinking and become more reasonable, and she will talk to him occasionally.
So my question is, do you have reason to think he’s changed? If not, I’d say change your phone number or block him. But people can change. If you think he’s changed, then yes it might be good for both of you.
