So, here we go…

My short list of things that seem to have turned things around for me:

• Finding 1 thing to have as a foundation for every day. 1 habit to get going. For me it works like a very basic routine (that I can anchor other stuff on) and also thermometer for how I’m doing. Somehow I decided to teach myself to make my bed every day. Roughly 6 years in I still have to think about doing it almost every time. And if I realise around noon that I haven’t made my bed it makes me realise that I’m having, at least, a bad day!
• Caring for something that is alive. I stumbled onto a cheatcode: I became a parent. But what really made the biggest difference was being able to keep houseplants alive! A child is somehow too obvious. I guess pets fill the same place. Or a neighbour that needs stuff from the store, whatever, just something that is alive that you care for in some way.
• This self-compassion workbook is what finally tipped the scale for me. While it seems to be easy for me to fall into depression at any point in my life, being aware of the idea of self-compassion makes it solo much easier to climb out.
• Going and moving around outside as often as possible. Walking, biking, swimming, skipping.
• Intermittent fasting has helped me a lot (I do the “easiest” 16/8), not to loose weight or whatever health benefits people ascribe to it, but to notice time and to make it harder to keep my food addictions going as hard (like stuffing myself at night after a whole day of not being able to get up from the sofa to eat).

And by “turned things around” I mean that I’ve managed to raise the floor of my personal hole enough so that my every day life actually kind of works. My economy is not wrecked. I have friends that call/text me to socialise and not only to keep tabs on me or check that I’m still around. I’m making plans for the future-future (so like 1-3 years not only for today or this week), stuff like that.

I’m not “cured”, I still get depressed for months some times, but it’s months and not years. And I let myself be depressed, for whatever reason there is this time, rather than bash myself for being depressed.

Sorry, this turned out more bloggy and preachy than intended. I hope you find something useful anyway :)

Since you have a good sense of “not this” I’m inclined to throw some shit at you and maybe something might stick and work out well to function as a a rebar net to get that concrete floor started so you don’t have to start all the way down every fucking time.

Before I do though I wonder if you’d like to get a small list of stuffs to check out? <– this is the actual question!

Well, I’d say that “not this” is quite useful and also hopeful.

From personal experience I think the biggest holes I’ve climbed out of didn’t even give that much direction. Knowing and/or wanting anything (even if it’s “not this”) is a decent start.

If you keep trying to find ways to express yourself I think that you can slowly start to raise the floor of whatever hole you’re in.

Thanks, this looks promising, I’ll investigate.

But also thanks for giving me the word “delayed” to use in my searches. Sometimes it’s hard to remember good synonyms.

Thanks, but not really as the “time capsule” feature would be lost since the email would be sitting in my future-/scheduled-folder.

But in the end that might be what I end up doing if I can’t find a suitable service.

I’m still quite bad at saying no and exiting situations, but I have become much better than before.

Some things I have done and try to remember to do:

• I practiced saying “no” to everything for a while. That was really uncomfortable!
• Declaring that I need time to think about something (as others have said here) can be effective. Like with scams/clickbait/up-selling/etc: if the other is trying to induce urgency they most likely don’t want you to think about it rationally.
• Segway:ing into outs with the standard phrase (and a slightly rises voice): “Oh, that reminds of…” and either change the subject completely or lying about needing to go and do something else.
• Calling people out on their bullshit but without showing any interest in talking further about it: “That is just not true”, “This isn’t something I want to talk about”, “If you keep talking about this I will leave” and then obviously leave if necessary.

I’m really not qualified in any way to state the below, just trying to draw from my personal experience and express what I think is useful and relevant in this situation.

English is not my first language

Honestly I think it is more useful and helpful to focus on the second part of the equation: exiting the situation.

Exiting situations is a tremendously useful life skill regardless of the other person(s) intentions while spotting people with bad intentions could become a burden as it might lead you down a path of mistrusting many more persons than you “need” to mistrust.

Learning to say “no” in different and effective ways is also a way to learn to say yes and will, in my experience, let you live a life closer to what you want.

I suspect that I’m still early on my path to communicate this effectively because I was not really listened to as a child, so my feelings and wishes where not seen as relevant to a situation.

As for how to do it: I don’t really have anything groundbreaking to give you. But as with most things I suspect it’s just practice: start saying no! And start acknowledging how you feel or felt even if it’s too late to do anything about it as that can teach yourself to look for clues (inside yourself) in the future (maybe).

I think there are a few of those, but as with everything targeted to scared relatives/caretakers it is quite expensive and hard to tell how it will age.

Nope, that is a good point.

I think I wrote my original message in a slightly distressed state after a quite bad event where she needed to get in contact with anybody and couldn’t.

After some thinking and time away from that scary incident it is quite clear that this mostly is a XY situation (as someone thought) and just getting her a bracelet for her alarm is probably as big a technological fix there can be.

Thanks, this looks like a superfun little gadget.

Unfortunately it lacks any kind of sound output[1] so it doesn’t cut it for my intended use.

[1] https://wiki.pine64.org/wiki/PineTime_FAQ#Does_PineTime_have_an_audible_beeper_or_speaker?

Thank you, it is evident that I’m having trouble to define my needs and wants in this domain. I’m learning a lot.

Your idea is rather opposite of what I’m looking for and I apologize for not being clear enough.

It is my understanding that many of these devices are health focused but I’m not looking health stuff unless it can be relayed to and used by her professional caregivers.

I’m looking for a wearable basic phone to receive and make calls.

Thanks!

Yes, for sure, it’s a little bit of both.

I will try to configure DND mode for her, but I’m not sure it will be enough, but it is worth a try.

The other problem about carrying it around is more difficult. She doesn’t manage to carry her alarm around using a lanyard (it will be changed to a bracelet, this change is what triggered the idea to get her a wrist-phone too), so I can’t imagine she will carry around her phone either. Maybe with a nice bag? Worth looking into.

Anyway, thanks for the DND suggestion, I will start with that.

Ok, thanks I will have to dive into Emacs then and give it a try.

For app supported habit forming there are some gamification apps that some friends swear by but they’ve never really done it for me

These kind of apps come close to a subset of my needs, but their focus on tracking every thing and the long lists of everything just work against me.

As I wrote in another comment, the problem isn’t keeping track when things go well, the problem is getting to a state where things go well.

Oh, I know, procrastination is my drug of choice…

Fortunately I have a job that requires presence and readiness to act but very little actual work so I can indulge in this kind of thinking and these projects here :)

While I’m not primarily looking for a discussion about strategy I do understand it’s inevitable, so…

While this seems like a great strategy for you, it isn’t for me, I’ve tried this and many other strategies and failed at all.

I’m looking for this specific capabilty in the format because what I need is a low-stakes way to get back on the horse. And from my research and knowledge about myself this requirement (“forget if not done”) is the best I can work with. If you have ideas or systems that deal with this I’m open to discuss them

I don’t really need help when things are going well, but I will fail and I will drop all the balls and almost everything else for a few months for reasons, some days I will forget if I took my 08:00 medication or if I have eaten. Some weeks I wont be able to call my mother to check on her or my friends to make plans.

I need a place to see 3-5 meaningful things I can do right now, because if there are too many I get overwhelmed. If there is a long list of things I haven’t done I get too discouraged or if I have to start by figuring out what to do I get stuck on finding the best thing.

So, while I’m glad you can manage to just fucking do it, I can’t.