10 - 9, 2 - 1, all the same but all mean “one”. And one is nothing. But if it’s nothing, why I still haven’t put that knife into my heart? Or fall off the edge of level 26? Is it hope or is it fear? In any imaginable case it’s still no more than just some pain. But here there’s no place for pain. It’s just a waste of resources. Though no matter what it is, I’m still waiting for that Altair notification sound. Or I guess it’s an orange circle cuz the sound is turned off.
I started it wrong (or maybe right and then switched to wrong it doesn’t matter). Even though it was like 3rd attempt, it wasn’t a regular attempt at all. It was something else. And it’s been 14 months. Quite a lot of time if you ask me. Quite a lot of time of complete happiness. But started wrong and not fixed in time was the recipe for failure. I tried to fix it but I was never even brave enough to say one censored sentence. And it expectedly fell apart. My fault. My bad. My punishment. But guess I just never was brave and honest enough. I understand. But it’s not like it’s enough to start a normal life again
My county is not really good for any kind of mental health institutions cuz it’s in an active war now + ehh idk if any of them in the entire world ever had any experience with superhero-like thoughts and issues. And you should be able to understand how hard it is for any kind of an activist (more like extremist in my case) to have any relationships/connections with other people, how much it can hurt for a person who just discovered real love and that it doesn’t seem to be any fixable. I guess it’s my curse until I reject my opinions which doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon. Oh and I’m quite a bit of a psychologist myself. I can make them feel worse instead of them making me feel better so yea not the best scenario. That also means it’s really hard to effectively use any psychological tricks against me. Autism for the win lol
I’m really sorry that you’re in that situation. Being an activist on top of being in a country that is actively in a war is a really high-stress thing for anyone to deal with, even without adding romantic conflict and autism to the mix. I really do hope that you are able to access a counselor or therapist, despite as I think, based upon your writing, that you’re dealing with a lot of things and someone that is formally trained might be able to help you to find some internal peace and build skills to improve your resilience.
Please do remember that no matter what you’re going through, you’re worthwhile as a human being. No one and nothing can take that away from you. We humans are complex and sometimes close still ends up not close enough in compatibility. Take care and give yourelf some time to heal.
Therapy is not much of an option here. The nearest city where real therapy centers exist is constantly being bombed. I don’t own a car and I have a physical disability so getting a therapy in other cities is not an option either. Online therapy? Ain’t no way I can sign up for that one. It requires “communication”. I just have to live with it and watch everything around me building, standing and falling apart. And also do some crazy things when I feel especially bad. It’s not like I have much of a personality anyways. But hey I can at least do something for real people and maybe make them happier. Not like it’s going to make me happy though