I’m in my early thirties and adamantly childfree. I’m lucky enough to be in a long-term relationship with someone who brought up her desire to be childfree on more or less our first date. But I am not having too much luck with my friends from childhood and university - they all seem to be wanting kids, and learning of their pregnancies leaves me with a feeling of sadness. I don’t hate kids and think no one should have them, and I am happy for them if they truly wanted this, but I also know what them having kids will mean - we are essentially putting our friendship on hiatus, and I still don’t know whether waiting 10 years for the kids to be a bit more independent and not requiring as much attention will mean I suddenly have friends again, but somehow I very much doubt it. And I also don’t want 10 years without other friends than my girlfriend. She is in very much the same situation, and while we are good at making the best out of not having kids and stressing about having them, we both would want to be able to hang out with good friends once in a while, both common between us, but also some that are exclusive to each of us.
My assumption is that this is quite common - so I am hoping someone would like to share some success stories in turning this situation around. :)
Thanks for sharing your experience. It seems you have found a sweet spot that works well for your life, and you sound like a good friend. I get the impression that you enjoy a kid’s company far more than I do, though. I generally get exhausted around them and the stressful lives their parents lead, and I don’t actually want to be a part of this. Which is a me-problem, I know. I fully agree with you when you say that they will probably not be knocking on my door when they are ready to be social again, but it sounds like a very one-sided effort to maintain a friendship in the meantime. My friends mostly move out of the city back to where they grew up as well, so just popping over with a meal is not always possible. I have myself moved elsewhere for work now, partly because the number of friends still staying in the city I lived in before had greatly diminished.
I used to go on mountain hikes with my best friend from my childhood once a year (we’ve already lived in different cities for a long time, so we haven’t really been hanging out for many years), but he’s awaiting twins anytime now, so it’s going to be at least some years before it will be possible for him to even consider spending any vacation days on such a trip. I used to have yearly cabin trips with friends from university until they got all got kids approximately at the same time (during COVID). They now go on kid-friendly family vacations together. I used to frequent restaurants with a fellow foodie. We sometimes still do, but it’s gone from maybe once a month to once every two years. It is these kinds of relationships that I miss.
Everyone has a different feeling towards kids and you’re in no way required or in the wrong to not be interested in being around them. And you’re right, it can be one sided, but I have noticed the friends I made an effort with have been far more social (especially once the kids are two or so) than those I didn’t make an effort with.
It might be worth going out of your way and looking for friends who are child-free, and if you can’t find the place or space, maybe be the one to make it.
I’ve friends in my town who are child-free through choice and I have friends nearby who are child-free due to being unable to conceive and not wanting to adopt. I’ve also plenty of LGBTQ+ friends who the vast majority are also child-free and want to stay that way. They’re out there. But it might mean you need to come to terms with letting your oldest friendships fade while you seek out new ones.
It could be as easy as going out and doing the things you enjoying and finding people your age there (or prehaps a little older since if they’re child-free and doing those things, or have kids but still do them, that’ll gel better with you).
Really appreciate the honest and open discussion with you in this thread. I hope you’re able to find your people and to live the life you want for yourself and your partner.
I have a friend who has one kid and another on the way. At this point for traveling. He worked out a deal with his wife that he can travel on a big trip once a year until the kids get older. Before he had kids we would typically go on large backpacking trips multiple times a year.
I’ve noticed so far that it’s mainly scheduling. If you can get something written into their calendar. Then the kids don’t need to come along. Depending on the parents of course. In my experience if I can talk to my friend and sit down and pick a date and get onto the calendar. Then he can typically go on more smaller trips. Allowing him and his wife to plan for grandparents to come and support while he’s gone.
But if the parents aren’t into that. There’s nothing you can really do.