My (mid-30s M) wife (mid-30s F) took a job that has rather extreme hours. She also has another time/location commitment as the direct consequence of some of her actions. These combined have left us with, at most, 1 hour each day during which we are both awake and under the same roof.
As you might imagine, it has put quite the strain (for me at least, she doesn’t talk about it) on our quality time, conversation, interaction, romance, and amorous activities, which have become, at best: difficult, forced, unenthusiastic, and incredibly rare. She mostly spends what little time there is playing games on her phone.
I put myself in her shoes and it becomes marginally understandable: After a long and challenging day, I could see the desire to sit quietly and do an activity with/for myself rather than attend to the needs of yet another person.
But I’ve been having a really hard time. I am being stoic and supportive and appreciative of all that she is doing, but, under the surface, I am lonely and miss my wife and long for connection. Should I stay the course or find some way to broach the issue, adding yet another burden to her already laborious time?
I’d really appreciate hearing from someone who’s dealt with/is currently in a similar situation, or anyone who has encouragement or advice, or just anything I could think about while I deal.
You need to have a conversation about timelines at the very least. This is not sustainable. Does her additional commitment have an end date? Or is there a way to move to less extreme hours as she gains seniority at her job?
Having a timeline for when things will return to a more normal amount of time together will make it easier in the meantime. Also, if you can agree to a date night where you disconnect from your devices and do something together at a regular schedule may help you keep from feeling as much relationship strain.
This is a great point, but the timeline is whenever she decides to not have this job anymore, vertical movement is not an option. And the other commitment ends when someone else agrees she’s earned it, who knows when that will be.
I’ll try the date night idea, it’s just difficult with only an hour to use. I understand her desperation to have that 1 and only hour she gets each day to herself. It feels like it’s asking a lot (at least, from her) to say “I know you’ve been on duty for all but 1 hour of your day, but can you take care of me now?”
She doesn’t appear to have the same need to find time with me, so the suggestion “let’s do something together” almost feels like asking her to do a chore like washing the dishes or doing the laundry. She needs me to be strong and independent and not another thing that needs her attention, like the kids. It doesn’t feel fair, but when is life fair?
First off all you both need to talk about how you are both handling this. If you are being stoic and she doesn’t talk it you are just growing resentment between the both of you. Talk about how you are feeling and see what she is feeling. You are most missing each other but don’t want to show it. This is not a good sustainable system.
Also attempt to plan what you are going to do in this hour together. If you don’t have anything specific planned most people just fall back into a default of sitting and chilling. If you have something to look forward to this will remove the mental load of having something to do together each day. If you are the one at home you might have to do more of the legwork for these events. This may mean cooking a meal or setting up an activity. This doesn’t have to be anything elaborate but even a meal can be very worthwhile.
People look down on planning amorous activities but if you it can be super sexy. Spontaneity is for new relationships and is frankly overrated. It ignore responsive sexual desire which is very important in long term relationships… Anticipation especially over multiple days really builds up sexual energy especially if you talk about it. It also means that on non-scheduled days you can initiate physical contact without expectations. This will help both of you since you can be physically intimate without the expectation that sex will happen. If this physical intimacy leads to sex then bonus sex and if not no one will be hurt.
Since she is the busy one you will have to take on the mental load of this planning to start with. Just get a few ideas and talk through it. Plan on what you are going to do together on the shared hour. It can be a weekly routine or more variable. But the planning process will have to start with you for now. As you get into the groove you might share it more but you will have to start it. You got this!!!
This is great advice and I will try these things, thank you very much.
Not to be pessimistic, but part of the issue is that she makes it seem like using that one and only hour to turn her attention towards our relationship is almost like staying on duty. She longs for time to herself (of which she has none), not time with me (of which she also has none).
Planning and building anticipation is a great idea. I just get the sense from her that this would almost be like asking her to schedule yet more time that she doesn’t get to allocate on her own. There’s no time for the relationship so we have to prioritize it, it’s just that she isn’t prioritizing it.
I can create an environment where she feels more attenuated to romance, but is it wrong that I’d like her to just naturally desire some rather than be convinced to allow time for some? I haven’t gotten any indication from her that she, too, is feeling the absence of clothes. I don’t want to just create opportunity for it; I’d like to feel wanted.
I can handle it if I have to do all the work, but I’d like to feel like she’s grateful for it because she, too, wants the result. Instead, she makes me feel like it’s one more thing she has to reluctantly check off a list.
I’ve tried to be vocal about this with her but her only response was “you only ever think about one thing” so I just gave up because she clearly wasn’t in a position/mood to be capable of understanding the feelings I was trying to convey.
If she wants time for herself make sure to schedule it as well. Maybe she gets the time to herself a few days of the week. Even better help set up some better relaxing time for herself when she gets home. Make the house set up how she might want to better relax on those days such as making sure its clean, prepared with food, soft lighting, a bath, incense, silence or nice music ask her what she wants for those days. That way she can enjoy that time and really focus on you two together when that is scheduled. Stress is a major libido killer which are you trying to remove when she gets home.
I get her thoughts that this is just more work for her. You are trying to remove that work by taking on the mental load. You want your time together to be fulfilling and joyful. Part of that is when she comes home she shouldn’t have to do any of the planning or scheduling. At least in the beginning when you are both getting use to the system. For example on Tuesday you will have dinner ready without asking her thoughts on it. I used to always wanted to get my wife’s thoughts on food and activities when we were first married. I wanted to make sure she was included but I was just pushing off the final decision back onto her. I now mostly say “We’re going to have lasagna tonight. I will go shopping for it.” If she wants something else she will let me know which is better than saying “Would you rather have lasagna, or something else”. That way she doesn’t have to make a decision. Mental load for planning and deciding is usually placed on woman and most men don’t realize it until they start doing it. You are trying to anticipate what she wants to show that you care
I get the feeling of being wanted. For most men sex is the only time they feel wanted or sexy. It also fulfills a lot of different emotional and physical needs. It helps to figure out what you need both from sex and what you can get outside of sex. I highly recommend reading Hot and Unbothered to better understand everything both the sexual arousal systems as well as how to talk about and identify what sex emotionally does. I found that I get lots of emotional and physical needs met by giving back massages to my wife since I found that the physical touch and giving of pleasure really does like 70% of the emotional needs that sex gives.
Also take a look at the Dual Control Method of Sexual Response to understand how sexual response works in both removing those sexual inhibitory and increasing sexual excitatory aspects.
IMHO, talking to a shrink is a good option here. They can listen and help you process some of these feelings and prepare for having the conversation.
Also, do your best to take care of your own sexual needs!
We’ve been before, and I’ll give it another shot, but it’s difficult to plan something like that with only 1 in 24 hours to use.
Also, how do I take care of my sexual needs if those needs are this one and only woman who isn’t available to me?
Pretty sure they meant going solo to the shrink. To process what your feeling and organize your thoughts.
Also likely meant go solo for the other needs…
It’s not bad advice, but it feels a little akin to telling a starving man to learn to not be hungry.
It’s not sustainable for you the relationship or her. She needs to redress her work life balance. She needs to decide if her career or marriage mean more to her.
It’s like a rock and a hard place situation (pun intended). We need the income to support ourselves and our family, but that it also, apparently, the cost…
Is there no way to reduce your expenses?
There’s no point in being able to afford your family if you can’t enjoy being a family.
