It seems like all the onus is on to socialise in the meantime you are relentlessly judged for how you go about socialising or dating. I am on college right now and I am seriously struggling to make friendships. My anxiety is kinda on overdrive because of it. I am expected to know if I am welcome to come or not but if I am not supposed I am judged severely. Meanwhile there’s no one really coming up to me trying to help me. You know I’d like to just once be good enough for someone to come up to me and say that they just want to be around me. Enough of the guesswork. I am tired of it. I’m in my mid 20s just give me a fucking break at this point. So much of my “disability” would just go away if people had the decency to fucking educate themselves and expect me to know everything. I put myself out there and talk to people. I’ve done my fucking part.
A lot of people are ruined socially because of social media in my opinion. Consider that others may be feeling the same way.
I would recommend focusing on doing what you like instead of trying to force yourself into situations that you don’t. You’ll meet others along the way and you don’t even need to force it. Make the goal enjoying your time, enjoying the experience. Don’t make it about going to events you think you’ll like and then focusing in what others think about you. The people who hold you to some expectation in social situations that you aren’t interested in are not the friends you want.
You are damn right when you are frustrated, and you are damn right in expressing that.
I am sad and embarassed (right word?) about all the unempathic comments you are being met with.(*) I’d say ignore them if you can – literally put them on your ignore list if you wish, and take them perhaps as your involuntary helpers who demonstrate what you are usually met with (if this is the case). So that this has a purpose and doesn’t hurt you …
Like someone else commented, you probably do not want such people to be your “friends” – they would only be friends with that mask you present to them in order to appease. Your frustrated/lonely expression is a mask, too. But that one they don’t like and why you wear it doesn’t interest them.
Kick that idea that you are disabled (i know, i know, but try to push it away) and it will help you to relax (that’s important). The more we train a specific thought pattern, the more that will become our only reality.
Being on your own, or being in the position of the quiet observer for the time being could actually be a good thing to have, as it will give you inner and outer room to move (away from the rigid/unrelaxed idea which makes it seem a burden). Look for such people whose presence you would enjoy. That is, such people whith whom you would resonate, naturally. Those might be the ones who are able to observe beyond the mask and those who play alone. They might not be the most relaxed ones, initially.
The good fruit are rare and you are young. I hope this resonates or is at least a lottle comforting. From someone who had many developments happen ten years late.
[leaving that typo as-is because i like that word … a lottle](*) I just held myself back from answering each of those comments with “this hurts” … but it would have me spam the comment tree. Leaving it up to you.
Maybe don’t care as much? First due to the stress it causes. Second, if you pretend to be someone you’re not, people may end up liking that instead, and much like with any farce, the longer it goes, the more cracks appear.
Also, something I try to do is, without worrying much for the result, to chitchat with people. If they sound/look interested, I keep going and depending on how it evolves, I might even have gotten someone who I’m going to be hanging with for years to come. If they don’t sound or look interested, I slowly drop the attempt and try it with someone else down the line.
I am not pretending to be anyone. Trying not to care isn’t a realistic solution because if I don’t care then how will I meet people? The end results is me spending my days alone.
The end results is me spending my days alone.
Have you considered the possibility that this might be the most you can achieve socially? Or even… that you might be better off alone?
God forbid I actually want a social life then. Expecting accommodation for my disability the penalty isolation. Fucking neurotypicals. I want a social life. I want a romantic life. The only reasons those things are supposedly unaccessible is because of the bigoted attitude of others. I am tired of being told its all my fault for not changing my behaviour enough or because I am apparently asking for too much as a person on the spectrum.
You seem to think that you are OWED relationships and friendships by the world. You are not, nuerotypical or otherwise. They are earned through effort. Just reading your posts in this thread make you seem unpleasant and anxious to be around. It may be time to consider that your personality and outlook is a significant contributor here, and not just your diagnosis.
Sit down, shut up and know your place. Got it.
My man, people want to be around people they can feel comfortable with. I have to assume the negative energy you are expressing in this thread is also being expressed in your actual life. You need to slow down and be the type of person that you yourself would like to be around. You want people to be understanding about you and your condition, you have to put that out there too.
This is good advice. At some point I noticed some of my friendships were just people validating each other’s negative attributes. I don’t want to be or be perceived as a negative person, so I’ve focused on trying more to keep my negative vibes to myself. Those friendships have suffered, which is a bummer because I actually like and respect those people. But, if I’m genuinely feeling positive, I can be myself more and mask less, and that makes socialising a bit less exhausting.
Uh this hurts. Please remember where we are posting here and that people might have subtle but very relevant differences in the way they empathise and communicate. Thank you.
If you want people to understand you then you have to express the you. That’s what OP does. Expressing their discomfort so that others can know about it. If others don’t feel comfortable around someone who is not comfortable with them in the first place, then that’s exactly what they should feel. Discomfort. … OP seems to not yet know that the people they are looking fore will be the ones who actually understand such a mode of empathic communication, and know how to be comforting.
I don’t think that’s what they’re saying. Think about the reasons why you want a friend or romantic partner, and then have a good idea how you expect those relationships to enhance your life and what kinds of behaviors you’re not willing to put up with. Then you have to brainstorm about what strengths you have that can enhance other people’s lives, and honestly consider what kinds of patterns you may do or say that others are not willing to put up with. Healthy relationships are built around giving and supporting in a positive way, so try to focus on being positive and making personal progress so that others will see you as a kind, positive person and want to be around you.
You’re asking others to provide you with a social life.
I do believe that you’re trying your best, but you’re not entitled to have others want to hang out with you. If they wanted to, then you’re right and you did your part. But what if they don’t want to? Do they have to change themselves just for you to have a social life?
I’m not gonna lie, you’re entitled attitude here makes me feel like you are not pleasant to be around. I may be misreading you, but I’m getting major incel vibes. Here’s the thing: you trying to make friends doesn’t mean they have to reciprocrate.
You are not entitled to have otherslike you or want to hang out with you. Your desire for a social and romantic life is valid and understandable, but that is on your side. The world does not have to care about it, as hard as it sounds.
For what it’s worth, it took me until my mid-thirties to actually find a social circle. More than 3/4 of my life I struggled just as you. Stop expecting from the world to bend over backwards for you, work on your attitudes and on accepting that even though you gave it your best shot these people may not be friend material. If that happwns, move on.
Don’t try to hang out with people because you want to make friends. Hang out with people because you want to do something interesting. Shift your focus from making friends to simply enjoying the time. I don’t know what your interests are, but you can join a movie club if you area movie nerd, you can try geocaching if that tickles your fancy, go running… whatever activity you enjoy. Once the pressure on yourself is gone from “I have to make friends” chances are you will be much more relaxed and approachable.
People are not a tool to get a social life. A social life happens when you do things you enjoy and you find people who share that passion on the way.
You are damn right when you are frustrated, and you are damn right in expressing that. [moved the rest of this comment to the top level]
Some videos you might find useful. Difficult but useful:
So much of my “disability” would just go away if people had the decency to fucking educate themselves and expect me to know everything. I put myself out there and talk to people. I’ve done my fucking part.
I understand you’re angry, but maybe you’re not pleasant to be around? Some people are mean, some people are annoying, some people are rude. And they rarely realize it.
You can blame your social situation on your diagnosis until the cows come home, but you can’t use it to blackmail people into enjoying your presence.
I’d like to just once be good enough for someone to come up to me and say that they just want to be around me. Enough of the guesswork.
That’s the thing: they are “saying” that they just want to be around you, just not in a “language” that you are at all fluent in. It’s going to take a whole lot of conscious effort for you to interpret what other people are “saying, not saying,” and it will require you to tell people who you are and how you think and communicate. The good people will adapt their communication style to one which comes more naturally to you, because they want to be around you.
@snaptastic Please let me know whether this comment meets your relevancy standards.
So the onus should be on other people?
Why not do the exact thing you’re demanding of them?
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