For a decade, apps have dominated dating. But now singles are growing tired of swiping and are looking for new ways to meet people – or reverting to old ones

‘It’s quite soul-destroying’: how we fell out of love with dating apps::For a decade, apps have dominated dating. But now singles are growing tired of swiping and are looking for new ways to meet people – or reverting to old ones

  • shalafi@lemmy.worldEnglish
    10012·
    1 year ago

    Here to offer hope and advice to anyone that’s given up. I’m a 52-yo American male and have knocked it out the park with dating apps. In the 4-years since my wife left, thank god, I’ve had 15-20 dates and 5 steady gf’s for a bit. Getting married 11/24 if y’all want to come!

    Pro tips:

    • Post a variety of pics. Nothing controversial like guns, dead animals, any other women your age. Or your fucking truck/motorcycle/sportscar. If your Confederate flag bed sheets are really important to filter people, go ahead I guess. If the person you’re looking at does not have a wide range of pics, red flag. Women are great at glamour shots. Take the worst pic of the bunch and assume that’s what they look like IRL. Worst case, you’re pleasantly surprised. (Happened to me many times!)
    • Don’t be too judgmental. All you’re aiming for is a first date, see how it goes. What’s it cost a man? Dinner for two? Better yet, I dated a woman who said neither party should pay anything on the first date. If you don’t click, no one’s out anything. Go to a park, thrift storing, antique mall, whatever floats your boat. It costs nothing to walk around, talk and gauge each other’s interests and mutual attraction.
    • Sorry, but this bit can be expensive. Sign up for half-a-dozen sites. If you’re fishing, it’s best to bait 6 poles vs. one, right? Try the free options of course, see how it goes, but spread yourself around as much as possible. You never know. And that bears repeating. You never know what will happen. More on that shortly.
    • Keep initial communication short and sweet. Too much gets lost in text, too many misunderstandings. "Hey! Love (something in their post that you’re seriously interested in, or why else are you contacting them)! (question about something you want to know about them)? Want to (go to the park, get coffee, go thrift storing, whatever)? And then go on the damned date, and do it ASAP, before something stupid happens like a misunderstood text, other plans/dates cropping up, whatever. Just go. If I have to say, “Don’t be an ass and pressure for the date.”, you’re not ready for a relationship.

    How I met my fiancé:

    She hit me up on eHarmony. Gods that site sucks. Only date I ever got there. Blew her off because her pics were… not so great. She had nothing interesting to say about herself, barebones bio. 3-months later I’m revisiting and saw her “like”. “Yeah, what about this girl again?” She posted more about herself, and more attractive pics and here we are.

    About the judgmental thing; If I knew then what I know now, the date would have been a hard NO. She’s a city girl (Manilla), never even been in the woods. No shit. Jealous as fuck, and I’ve spent 30-years saying that’s the one thing I won’t abide. She was a Christian preschool teacher at private school. Fuck all that nonsense. You get the idea.

    But we click so hard it’s silly. I feel like I’ve landed some kind of fantasy girl. And she feels the same! 11/24/23, NW FL, you’re all welcome to the wedding.

    • Ada@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      374·
      1 year ago

      To me, it sounds like you’ve neatly described why people have fallen out of love with dating apps.

    • Obinice@lemmy.worldEnglish
      306·
      1 year ago

      What’s it cost a man? Dinner for two?

      If I could afford to pay for a stranger’s dinner out I probably wouldn’t be single, haha. I buy two takeaways a year as a special treat for myself, mainly for my birthday. That’s all I can afford.

      No way am I paying for someone else’s food on a date anyway, this isn’t the 1940s, women and all other genders are equal to men and they need to put in just as much effort on a date as a guy does.

      You don’t get a free lunch because you’re a woman, and if you’re the sort of sexist woman that demands that sort of thing I wouldn’t be interested in you anyway.

      I hope I don’t seem overly harsh, I’m just tired of sexism in dating. It’s ubiquitous and gross.

      • KevonLooney@lemm.eeEnglish
        1125·
        1 year ago

        women and all other genders are equal to men and they need to put in just as much effort on a date as a guy does.

        You’re spending a lot of money and time on your hair, makeup, and outfit right? Probably asking friends for advice and thinking about it all week? Not eating the day of, so you look your best? Wearing expensive cologne and some shoes that make your butt look good?

        You’re doing all that right? I know you want to be equal and put in just as much effort, so you must be.

        • feedum_sneedson@lemmy.worldEnglish
          141·
          1 year ago

          I literally track every calorie and workout every day to look remotely decent for women, yes. I have no hair, so that part is less relevant.

          • KevonLooney@lemm.eeEnglish
            322·
            1 year ago

            That’s not expensive. And I do the same because it’s fun to workout. Tracking calories is like 10 minutes per day.

            It’s always the people doing the least who complain the most. You didn’t mention anything else, so I assume you don’t ask anyone for advice, don’t wear an expensive outfit, and don’t put on cologne. Hopefully you shower but you didn’t mention that either…

            • feedum_sneedson@lemmy.worldEnglish
              11·
              1 year ago

              I’m a different guy, just had my heart broken. I put an extraordinary amount of effort into relationships, to the point it is considered self-betrayal by professionals. Just saying it’s not always so one-sided.

            • pete_the_cat@lemmy.worldEnglish
              91·
              1 year ago

              Don’t you dare let a man steal your queen energy! You’re a boss bitch! /s

              Sometimes when you put that much effort into something that doesn’t need that much effort, it can look like you’re trying too hard, which can be off putting.

        • pete_the_cat@lemmy.worldEnglish
          174·
          1 year ago

          I’ve been on like 5 or 6 dates from the few years I lived in NYC (it was right before COVID happened, of course). Not a single one of them looked like they went out of their way to prepare for the date. Usually just jeans and a nice shirt, or maybe a cute dress, but they didn’t get all dolled up like they were going to prom. One worked in finance and came from her job, and then went back it to after our date. This was like 8 pm.

          If you want to spend a bunch of money, starve yourself, and do various other things so you feel that you look good, that’s on you, don’t expect the guy to pay for you just because you feel you’re owed it because of what you did. That’s really not much different than the guy who is like “I bought her a present so she should be willing to have sex with me now”.

          • KevonLooney@lemm.eeEnglish
            46·
            1 year ago

            This comment is hilarious because you assumed I’m a chick.

            Hair, makeup, nails, and outfits are what it costs for a woman to just go outside, not to prom. A regular ass haircut can easily be a hundred dollars. I didn’t even mention all the skin creams that make you look “naturally beautiful”. Have you even heard of waist trainers?

            A lot of women, especially in NYC, are doing this regularly even when they don’t have a date. NYC is lopsided with more women than men. That’s how they get dates. If you know any women who don’t put much effort into their appearance, you start to realize they don’t go on many dates.

            • pirat@lemmy.worldEnglish
              21·
              1 year ago

              A regular ass haircut

              Unsure if you literally mean removal of hair in the ass, which you might also believe is expected of all women before they just go outside … or if you’re just swearing to seem like a dynamite chick?

              It’s possible a total makeover every day is how some people get their dates - it’s a style, and it attracts certain types of people. But by having that “dumb” appearance, they also help all the brainier people who are looking for a partner with more in the head than on it, discarding them, since brainy people are more often interested in finding meaningful relations with interesting minds, rather than meeting “perfect” appearances, I believe.

              I understand it’s a serious problem that many try to live up to all these “beauty” expectations. It sounds like it’s a bit of a burden to you, and I’m sorry if you and the people around you are seriously unable to discard the definition BigBeauty told you through many years of carefully planned commercial ads, but every real definition of beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and since only some of us truly believe in what BigBeauty claims, it doesn’t necessarily prequire a daily total makeover of your face for someone to think you’re beautiful.

    • Katana314@lemmy.worldEnglish
      4·
      1 year ago

      The cost for the search is generally far more than money. It takes some time, yes, but it also consumes energy and mental health to absorb repeated rejections and expressions of fear. (I understand the fear, to an extent. Some men are genuinely scary, and can make someone very sour to future encounters) It also constantly judges your self worth as a person. Wise people can turn away the misjudgments of young fools, but often only so many times.

      I’d probably consider going back if I could find hard evidence of some level of interest and commitment from anyone on any of those sites. I have never seen it before, and don’t expect to. One time I was on a tour in another country, and learned that the women in my group were putting themselves up on dating sites within the area, even though they were being bused around the country on the tour, and had no chance of ever meeting with interested parties. It was purely for the attention-seeking. I’ve decided my attention is not free, and it’s been a powerful move for my mental health - for the better.

    • jjjalljs@ttrpg.networkEnglish
      1·
      1 year ago

      Keep initial communication short and sweet. Too much gets lost in text, too many misunderstandings. "Hey! Love (something in their post that you’re seriously interested in, or why else are you contacting them)! (question about something you want to know about them)? Want to (go to the park, get coffee, go thrift storing, whatever)? And then go on the damned date, and do it ASAP, before something stupid happens like a misunderstood text, other plans/dates cropping up, whatever. Just go.

      This is generally good advice. I would clarify that you shouldn’t ask them in in the first message

      You should have at least one volley where you verify they can read and write, and clear any deal breakers you might be bringing to the table (have kids, enm, whatever). After they respond with interest, then you ask them out.