The movie in question is 2022’s Marlowe. The director is Neil Jordan, who in the past has directed such memorable and powerful cinema as Mona Lisa and The Crying Game. The starring cast features Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger and Jessica Lange with supporting roles by Danny Huston, Alan Cumming, Colm Meaney and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. The screenplay was written by The Departed’s William Monahan, adapted from The Black-Eyed Blonde by author John Banville. And to top it all off, the titular character is the iconic private eye, Raymond Chandler’s Philip (with one “L”) Marlowe.

That’s an awful lot of firepower they’re packin’.

And this movie is a dud. A disappointment. A damp squib. It doesn’t sizzle. It doesn’t smolder. There’s no chemistry between any of the characters, even though two of the leading roles say they want to bed the lead. If it weren’t an Irish production through and through, I’d go so far as to say something got lost in translation. Maybe somethind did—Ireland isn’t Los Angeles of the late 1930s. The best I can say about this film is it has its moments.

Neeson is just plain stiff despite him being theoretically capable of pulling off the role. Kruger, Lange and Huston are, unfortunately, forced. Meaney is the only convincing one of the bunch, save Cumming and his introductory scene. If only the entire movie had the pace, repartee and style of this scene, it would have been a winner, or at least been saved.

If you haven’t seen it, don’t worry. You haven’t missed anything.