Any general advice? Don’t try x, or definitely look into y? Be aware of Z?
Cis person with many trans friends who experienced the same kind of problem, hope it’s okay for me to chip in.
The advice I wish I could’ve given them is that it’s okay if it takes time for you to understand how you want to present your gender, or if you go through a few identities before settling on one that feels right for you. One of my best friends, when I met her, she was masc presenting non-binary and using they/them pronouns, then she considered herself a binary trans woman for a while (and started medical transition), but that wasn’t quite right yet, and now she identifies as a non binary woman. I remember each of these internal transitions caused her a lot of grief because it meant re-coming out to the world, and she questioned the validity of her own gender.
If an identity or a way of presenting to the world is a stepping stone to something new, it’s not necessarily an “incorrect” label if it helps you along the way. And even if something is incorrect for you and doesn’t speak to any version of you, that’s chill, it doesn’t diminish the significance of the version of you that you feel comfortable being and presenting to the world, no matter how long it takes to find the point you’re comfortable in.
I had another friend who stuck with a name that she hated for like a year, because that was the name that she’d told everyone when she did a big coming out and she felt weird “retconning” that. When she eventually stopped torturing herself by sticking with a name she came to hate more than her dead name, she picked a new name and did a small “trial run” amongst her close friends for a few months, to be sure that this time, her name felt right. She told me that she jumped into the name and the personal style stuff too quickly, because she had started HRT and figured she’d had to come out soon anyway, so she needed to have a complete idea of the woman she’d be from the outset, which led to the premature name choice.
And speaking of style, one of my transmasc friends lived for most of his life identifying and presenting as a pretty archetypical butch lesbian. Shortly after coming out, he went through a phase of trying to be a super manly man, because it turned out that his gender presentation was already pretty spot on for where he wanted to be, he just wanted the world to change how it viewed him (in his words, “genderqueer soft boi, rather than spiky dyke”). He explained to me that from the start, he sort of already knew he didn’t want to change much about himself, but he felt obliged to mark this as something different from the flavour of gender non-conforming he expressed before, as a lesbian.
The core theme here is feeling pressured to do or be stuff that isn’t true to oneself, and I don’t think I’d even call these stories “mistakes”. A lot is going to change, and the world will look very different to future-you in ways that you can’t currently imagine and that’s not a bug, that’s a feature. It was a rockier journey for some than others, but all of my trans friends are in a better place now than when they started, even if that wasn’t what they expected. You’ll be facing a lot of pressure from so many sources, whether that’s the trans community, shitty transphobes or well intentioned cis folk, and it’s not unreasonable to need time to properly process it all and figure out what you want.
Just try to be kind to yourself throughout it, even when the world makes you feel like you should be more than what you’re able to be - especially then. You don’t need a crystal clear understanding of The Plan ™; sometimes a vague direction away from or towards something is enough to get you going.
You are not the first cis person I’ve seen giving advice and and this is phenomenal advice, especially for not being personal experience! Thank you very much! I will keep all of this in mind.
I do wonder what brings those of you to check out these spaces. Do you come in from “everyrhing/all”? Or hang out here specifically?
Hey! Nice to see you again! I can’t speak for the Artificer up there, but I started on .world, found my main spot in SFFA because it leans into my interests, but I kept seeing blahaj posts everywhere and generally do like the vibe. I’ve got an account on this instance because I have accounts on a lot of them and just hop around when I exhaust the new stuff in one of them (And kinda of because I still don’t fully understand the fediverse. I’m not super technically minded). I don’t curate my feed, I just keep it on All to give me a wide net for interesting stuff to read in the mornings.
I’ve spoken about this before, I’m a gender abolitionist, but I know that society isn’t there. That means that some groups need the support that society at large doesn’t give, so I try to speak up and help out where I can in my limited scope. In general, I think everyone should have the support they need in life to be happy. And I want people to be happy, so I do what I can and speak up when I can. And blahaj.zone just seems like an overall good place with nice people mostly just trying to have some fun and support each other. It’s a great and wholesome support network here and it makes me happy it exists.
In this case, I came from everything/all, but I do tend to subscribe to/read some trans communities, because I think my life and I, as a person, am better for having exposure to trans experiences and trans people.
For as long as I have known that it was possible to be transgender, I have considered myself a trans ally. Unfortunately, for a long while, I was a bit of a wet fart in that respect, because I didn’t really know how to be an ally, besides enough vague lip service to assuage my conscience. I try not to blame that past version of me too much, because I hadn’t had much exposure to the world at that point, but bloody hell, I’m glad I outgrew that person. I want to keep growing.
And not just for the sake of being a supportive ally (or better yet, an accomplice). Understanding how different people relate to sexuality and gender has infinitely improved my own understanding of my gender, and how gender functions in the wider world. I have never felt more in touch with my gender and the truth of my womanhood than when I am in a truly queer space, where identity and expression can exist independently. It’s liberating beyond belief and I cannot state how much my life has improved for the existence of trans people and transness more generally. Intersectional understanding has helped me to be a better feminist, a better disability advocate and a better person.
Also, trans memes are 🔥🔥🔥, so there’s that too
Thank you so much for the honesty 🥲 I can’t express how much it means to someone newly realized. I don’t blame you for your past self, I don’t think I really understood the idea of trans people even 10 years ago. I love, so much, hearing how it affects your own experience (I assume as a cishet, correct me if I’m wrong) it means a lot to me specifically that you do want to learn and grow.
It’s honestly terrifying on this side at times. I don’t know if I really knew that people like you existed, but, Holy shit! I’m glad you do! 🥹
Shit is difficult, I’m glad people not directly affected care! It really means a lot!
You are so awesome! 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
I’m bi, which is a pretty key part of the stuff I described above - over the course of coming to terms with my own queer identity over the years, I grew to understand on a much deeper level what the LGBTQ community means to me: there are so many sexualities and gender identities under this umbrella that I can’t directly relate to, but the differences don’t matter compared to what binds us together - I have a hell of a lot more common ground with trans people than I do with the cis-heteronormative mainstream.
I feel it’s pretty important to be a visibly trans-supportive cis woman nowadays, because the political climate is scary as hell, and the vitriol spewers don’t speak for women, and they don’t speak for me. I have a disproportionate amount of power in the “discourse” just by shouting “fuck you, you don’t speak for me” at TERFs and the like.
I may not be trans, but trans people are my people and I will fight to protect my people so we can discover together what is possible for ourselves. Things are scary, but my community grounds me.
That my desire to be cis passing and just blend in would go away over time, and that ultimately I’d start to find it like another form of closet that I’m stuck in.
I don’t know what that means I’d have done differently, but I know I’d have thought about my options more
The band She/Her/Hers has a song called Nvr Pass about this exactly.
I’ll have to check that out, I’m definitely not familiar with the band.
One of my favorites from her is “I’m not ‘supposed’ to be anything”.
Awesome, thanks for the rec
Their comment made me think of that song as well. Sorta wondered if ada had it in mind. So many great songs.
Sorta wondered if ada had it in mind
Nope, I’d never heard it before it was suggested here!
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Hey thanks, id never heard of that artist and am loving it. The lyrics feel waaaay too relatable 🥲
NGL that sounds pretty great right now.
Of course. I thought similar when I first started. But over time my opinion changed.
It doesn’t mean yours will, but it’s definitely something I’d like to have been able to tell my past self
That’s some really good information. Thank you. 💜
This scares the shit out of me because I’ve seen women change their demeanor when they pick up on me being trans. It’s not a lot, but you can sense the change conversationally as well as the emotional walls going up.
I hate it and can’t wait for the day that other stealth trans women talk about a la being asked for pads/tampons, risk of being pregnant going into the hospital, stuff like that.Yeah, don’t get me wrong, that side is wonderful. For me personally though, the problem is that it means my queerness is less visible to my own community. And the queer community is a whole lot more important to me than cishet acceptance is.
And, I’m also not sure that I’d do anything differently with a “do over”, but at the very least, I wish I’d have known about the difference it would create in my relationship with the community I value, so I could have factored that in to my approach.
(And I say this with the privilege of living in a safe city in a safe country, where cishet people knowing that I’m trans doesn’t open me up to danger)
You need to dress for the body you have instead of the body you wish you had.
(In day to day life anyway)
On a somewhat related note, I’ve read that hrt changes the distribution of bodyfat. Is that true? Less on the belly and more on chest and behind, like any other woman?
Yes, but only as you gain new fat. It won’t change body fat you already have much.
Unless you lose that fat. I was overweight when I started hrt and then as I lost weight the majority of it first disappeared from my midsection. I feel like it resulted in me getting a feminine figure pretty quickly.( I did lose the weight quickly like 50+ pounds in a few months but I think that was from me stopping a drug that can cause weight gain.)
If I’m skinny and go hrt, eat again, then I will just gain ass and breast ? 🤤
Hormones do affect where your body puts weight. I don’t think eating is a good way to make them grow. It’s better to do glute exercises and how much your breasts grow is dependent on genetics. I’ve still had pretty good breast growth despite the fact that I am losing weight so I don’t thinking gaining weight is needed for breast growth.
Ty for the answer :)
I just meant, imagine, an back to an healthy nutrition with in parallel the taking of hrt.
Also a good note
Yeah, that should go without saying. But still, it fascinates me how much hormones do. Estrogen sounds pretty fucking cool.
Fucking same! So much of this shit I thought was just straight genetics!
Don’t expect to get gendered correctly by strangers until you’ve been on HRT for a while and are actually confident in how you look
On one hand, that would probably make me not want to come out until everything is perfect, but on the other hand… Yeah, that’s not healthy either, is it
Come out to those you love and trust. They usually get it right.
I think I’d want to test the waters first to feel fully comfortable. I don’t know how though
You just gotta risk it for the brisket. Go out somewhere dressed up as yourself and see how it goes.
It’s funny talking about this now. I’m fully transitioned and have basically put any maleness out of my mind. I’m very lucky not to ever have anyone clock me
Alright. I will struggle to find the courage, even though I keep telling myself that I don’t care what other people think.
It’ll be obvious eventually anyway, so the smart thing would be to have the people who’ll support me sooner rather than later.
I don’t know what to tell them though, so let me overthink for a few days first. Still not 100% sure about being trans, but the new name I’ve tried doesn’t feel wrong, so there’s that.
I should probably just start with saying that being a guy is not what I want. The people who I can be comfortable with this information with will be a big help in figuring out the rest.
Did I mention overthinking yet?
I don’t think you’re overthinking. This is a very big decision! You’re fundamentally changing how you present yourself to the world. You’re becoming an entirely new person built up from the pieces of who you used to be. It’s huge. Time spent thinking on this is time well spent.
You’re doing an amazing job.
That genuinely made me tear up a little
Thank you. It means a lot to me.
That actually makes a lot of sense. Depressing, but understandable.
It just sets you up for disappointment. Boymoding is important especially if you live in an area that’s unsafe for trans people.
Tempering your expectations and avoiding the obsession over your Dysphoria is important. You’ll get there in enough time. I think most trans people end up passing eventually, and most of those who don’t usually still end up happy.
If I could go back and talk to a younger me at the start of her transition, we’d talk about how this is the chance to ACTUALLY learn about myself and to really take time and care to not sweat the details or get stuck in a rut. Try everything and figure out what’s actually you and what is just some baggage or ideal you’re trying to live up to. Don’t be afraid to say yes. Also, don’t be afraid to say no. Keep both open as your options for everything: clothing styles, makeup (if you wanna), hair stuff, sexuality and attraction, etc.
To be clear, I still feel like I managed my way through it and found my way to a rough approximation of what’s right for me eventually, but I was often too hard on myself and placed restrictions where there really weren’t any beyond what I was enforcing on myself. It really is Puberty 2 in so many ways, and you really need to lean into the lessons about how much any of it actually matters from Puberty 1… if at all possible.
That’s how I feel like I would probably go through it. I also tend to set expectations or rules that don’t necessarily need to exist. Weirdly, once I had the realization, it has gotten anxiously more difficult to say yes to things(buying clothes or whatever). Maybe part of me is afraid of what it means?
So far:
Essentially everything that would have told me a few years ago that my wish to be a woman was REALLY not something that cis-people experience and what the actual diagnostic criteria for gender-dysphoria were.
I was SOOO close to getting it about 10 years ago, it’s mind-boggling. Like I talked to other trans-people I knew at the time about how I suspected that I was trans, I read up on the topic and in the end stupidly decided that all my issues were only that I was lonely and that the only reason I wanted to be a girl was because it would have made dating so much easier and that that wouldn’t translate into dating as a trans-woman.
I mean, yes, this was a real problem I had, but there were so many other signs that it was not just that and I completely ignored that cis people would not respond to that problem with the wish for a different gender. It’s really as stupid as it sounds, and it cost me very dearly in so many ways.
Early on(first couple weeks of realizing) I had some similar thoughts, not about dating since I’m married(added to the confusion) but yeah we don’t have other people we regularly talk to or hang out with. I had a lot of back and forth. But I think it was enough of those “Yeah sis, you’re trans” memes that started solidifying it.
This might be controversial, but for me personally, I would tell myself to not be so afraid to try HRT, that I’m going to take it later anyway, and that I would regret not starting earlier.
I ended up getting HRT off the Internet at 21, but I knew about DIY HRT, and was tempted to buy it, back when I was around 16 years old.
I am interested but very… Nervous? Anxious? Afraid maybe. I don’t know enough of the negative side effects and really need to do some research. I have a very superficial understanding atm.
Mostly I was nervous about people noticing that I’m trans. I really thought that I would look like a super masculine guy but with big breasts. Eventually I got to a point where I didn’t care what I looked like, I just needed to try transitioning. Luckily things turned out well for me in terms of appearance, but you know, it could’ve been better if I started when I first knew I was trans.
At the time, my mental health was pretty poor, so I didn’t really care about side effects (fortunately I’m doing a lot better now).
You women are really starting to sell me on hormones, Holy shit! One of my biggest concerns is what about body hair? I’m a fuckin bear right now, would that just stop, or does it require full body electrolysis?
In time it thins; but never stops. Body hair is a burden among transfems, but don’t let that be what stops you. Honestly, if you’re considering HRT to such a degree, it’s well worth trying. I can’t describe the mental clarity I experienced within the first week.
Mine stopped. My body hair just went away with HRT.
It’s a roll of the dice of course. You can’t guarantee that it will go away, but it is possible!
It’s just so thick and continuous, head to tow 😓 definitely disheartening.
Almost literally painfully disappointing to hear.
Body hair can disappear on HRT. You can’t rely on it going away, but it sometimes does
This was my experience
That’s good to hear it does happen sometimes, but uh, I am working with a lot more than that unfortunately
I’m finally DIYing at 18. I waited because I thought I would be able to do it legit once I turned, but I’m still in purgatory for the foreseeable future so I’m doing it myself
Self-medicating because we lack proper social care is as American as apple pie. Best of luck on your journey
Enby here-- didn’t see it mentioned yet:
I’ve known countless fems who’ve just grown their hair out for the first time worrying that they’re losing it because they’re finding it everywhere. Shedding is normal, enjoy that mermaid hair <3
Mermaid hair 😂 is thy just due to length or something else? Luckily I do have a long haired partner and was aware of shedding. Continuously impressed by the amount though 😅
A buddy of mine told me I had mermaid hair when it got longer during lockdown and I loved the phrase! Now anyone with long luxurious locks receives the moniker 😂🧜🧜♀️
Well by all means you’ve got a convert 🫱
#🧜♀️
Finasteride is real and it works, and you actually are bothered by balding you’re just pretending you’re not
This is real. I am pretty sure I did that. Then it thinned out all over on top. Then it got harder to pretend.
Yeah it got bad and I realised it did bother me, so I started on finasteride. Fast forward a year and whoops I’m trans. Still struggling with the acceptance side though, still disassociating like crazy about it, want to just hurry up and do something about it so this awful in between stage is over, but there’s no speeding through, got to let my brain come to terms with it on its own time
Same! Except I started my hair after realizing. I think I’ve come to terms but can’t quite figure out what the next should be
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