The stress of a divorce and the rising tide of fascism have caused me to seriously regress in self care skills over the past few years. I am currently struggling with eating/“meal planning.” I am intellectually capable of understanding what is necessary to grocery shop/plan out meals, and used to be able to do so, but am struggling with executive dysfunction to the point where I cannot.
For the past two years, my diet has been fast food, chips, beer and candy. I had a few “safe foods” - specific brands of frozen meals that were reliable, but of late they are not working. Eg, I have been lying on the floor for the past five hours feeling absolutely famished, have considered going to the refrigerator and making one of the frozen meals that is usually “safe” - and am utterly incapable of doing so. I don’t think I could even eat it if I made it.
I’m guessing this is autism - I’m guessing I’m autistic - but there has never been any means for me to be evaluated. I have talked to my therapist about this, and have not really found the advice helpful.
The most effective thing has been stocking up on things like lunchables to at least get calories in. Sometimes even lunchables will stop being “safe” though. It gets harder to function when I’m hungry, so I get caught in a loop of lying in bed hungrier and hungrier. I know I can’t live off of gas station pizza and Monster, but there have been days where that’s all I feel capable of eating.
The apartment is another factor. I don’t really have furniture. I’ve been making a “couch” out of scrap T-shirts.
I guess I’ve had politics affect me too much to ignore it. The attacks on education (my career), the attacks on trans people (my life)… I don’t know what will happen when I renew my drivers license.
The hobbies are helpful. When I had more money I went to a pottery studio a few times. A lot of the hobbies are practical right now - sewing the “couch”, fixing my clothes, making dishclothes that I hope will motivate me to clean. Thrifting. I was on a hunt for speakers for a while and that was motivating.
It’s hard to understand it as chemical “depression” when it seems like a rational reaction to the world. I was born the child of a severely mentally ill teenage girl who slept with a man much older than her. I’ve always been “off” in some way - whether it’s autism or ADHD or whatever - there just aren’t the professionals who diagnose these things here. Whatever it was it was enough to make me different enough to bully. The “help” I received was conversion therapy, the troubled teen industry, and my mother’s strange sexual fantasies/advice. I ended up in an abusive controlling marriage which left me financially devastated and effectively bankrupt, while my millionaire ex husband’s family happily supports his little group of prostitutes.
I don’t have friends. I don’t have a support system. If I died, all of my art and books and writing and knitting would end up in a bin somewhere. I don’t feel like I exist. I’ve never seen antidepressants as a solution to these things, and I’ve always reacted strangely to psychiatric medication anyway. There’s very little good quality mental health care here - we have LPCs who play Dr. Phil. I have PTSD from experiences in inpatient treatment.
I’m just supposed to look at this impossible situation, and deal with it. I got fired a couple of weeks ago from my full time job - I was starting on things like unemployment and food stamps, but they won’t be coming. I get through the day by imagining the night - that I can go home, get drunk and high, that food will seem edible or at least I’ll stop caring about finances and spend too much money on delivery.
Losing food is what is breaking me. It’s like the last connection I feel I have to my body, and it’s tenuous at best. The idea that I could get through a week and make myself something nice or go get sushi or something and enjoy it. The only thing I have a sense of “looking forward to” is the dream of the move North - living in a place where I could teach again, a place where I’m not wondering whether getting pulled over will have me arrested for the “wrong” marker (our city jail has killed multiple people - the federal government has been trying to shut it down for a decade) But the prospect of economic collapse is making that dream fade. And if I am here when people start shooting, I will probably die.
So you are in “survival mode”, I see. It’s ok to be in that for a while but I think it gets pretty unhealthy if you can’t improve from there after, say half a year. I’m trying to think about what could help you, so I will go through some of the points you mention and just express my thoughts on this, I hope it is allright and can help you think about everything. I relate to a few things you mention, others I dont but I won’t get into my story much. All in all it’s my opinion so take it with a grain of salt.
Maybe try and work on your mindset a bit so you can be more proactive and not just react to everything thats happening around you. Sure, there are problems you can’t fix all by yourself, but others you can definitely. You have power and that is making desicions about your life and saying “no” to everything that makes you feel unhappy and sad. I can imagine figuring these things out can be especially hard after having been in an abusive relationship, which needs a looot of time to heal, especially if you have other underlying issues (your PTSD). Others have commented on skipping news and social media, which I also think would be good for a while as mentioned previously. Just being with yourself, think about you, your future, your dreams. Maybe 2 weeks is enough. Unfortunately all this social media can be very distracting from actually going out and doing and changing something and it ties a lot into the passive vs. active.
It sounds as if you are a creative person and it’s great that you still have some hobbies that make you cheer up or where you can express yourself. Super important, so keep these going!
I see there’s a lot going on simultaneously and it sounds like hell to go through honestly. To me, top priority would actually not be about not eating enough. I mean you are absolutely right about what you say that food helps you to feel your body, it’s grounding. So as you noticed that, I would argue for you to not worry too much about the food issue but instead, it would be more important trying to get off drinking/consuming daily so you can feel yourself more again and then tackle the food issue. I know you use this to binge eat, but tgat’s not a good habit either. Try to reduce it a bit at least, you need to break that habit, its not the best to just space out each evening, as this is pretty much counter-intuitive to wanting to feel your body. If you really feel the urge to drink, I would recommend beer as I feel this is a pretty “grounding” drink compared to other alcohol beverages. Take in food slow take your time with it and chew a while, try and feel how your body reacts to it. There’s a link missing and you need to find it again.
Next would be trying to improve the financial situation (getting a job) but thats just my personal opinion. Finding a new job while in depression is difficult I assume, but you need some income to survive and to keep your place, otherwise it might escalate quickly. As far as I know there’s not much social support or for housing in the us, so thats up to you to bite through and it sounds as if you really don’t have a support network, which makes this increasingly difficult for you, so it is important to fix asap.
If you managed these two problems, you have a foundation again you can start with. Next on that list would actually be thinking about moving. In all of what you write, I can read plenty of reasons why this would make sense to you, especially the political atmosphere concerning trans rights and the healthcare situation. Maybe it would also help with finding a job and processing the abusive relationship by leaving all those places connected to it behind. Thinking about moving can be a huge deal, but maybe that dream you have is asking to be realized. If that’s an option, its maybe not a bad thing you don’t really have much furniture. Theres up- and downsides to everything ;) And furniture is yeah, a nice thing to have but you will survive without it for a while. The most important to have in life is you and your ideas, your dreams.
Im deeply sorry about assuming politics wouldn’t affect you much, you proved me wrong. I don’t have much hope for the US if I’m honest, and it gives me goosebumps each time I’m reading about all those fears within the trans communities online, which is, well, not a good sign about the future.
Wish you lots of strength to go through this. It sounds cheesy but follow your dreams. If everything around you turns to shit, get out there, it’s time to leave.