I feel like I need to get this off my chest…
I started transitioning 5 years ago and at this point, I 100% pass, except for voice and a very slight beard shadow (that for some reason no one but me notices).
I feel completely scared about Lesbian spaces, and Cis women in particular. The few times I went out there (which was in the first 2 years of my transition), I’ve had horrible experiences.
It ranges from a few agonizing glances you get occasionally, up to outright comments about “this is a women only space btw”.
I’ve also often noticed how cis lesbians seem to treat me differently when it comes to romantical and sexual interest. The moment it’s revealed that I’m trans, things seem to shift. “Oh, I’ve never tried this”, “oh, that’s interesting, kinda”, quite often there’s the question about bottom surgery (“this might be a bit intimate to ask, but…”), and sometimes even outright ghosting or immediate disinterest.
I feel like this is the last, and yet hardest mountain to climb, to the point where I just feel too frustrated to even try, accepting the fact that, well… I will probably always remain a trans woman, and won’t fit in to those societies that I so heavily relate to when I can keep my pseudonimity.
And yeah, T4T is a thing, it’s pretty much the only thing I got going at this point…
Can anyone relate? Has anyone managed to overcome this hurdle?
As someone else has mentioned, it may be partly impostor syndrome. At least for me it is. But being out for so long (> 4 years), I can slowly accept my womanhood independently from how I present or how people address me. That doesn’t mean I’m unaffected by transphobic comments or misgendering (which I still frequently get), but that I can get angry about it instead of feeling like an impostor. I’m more and more in a position where I can claim my womanhood despite people denying it and that is a big win. I’m also less prone to feeling like shit when I haven’t shaved in a few days etc.
Regarding your questions: I live in Germany and in my city there are no lesbian/women only places that I know of, but most are open to women, lesbians, inter, non-binary, trans and agender people (wlinta or FLINTA in German). So these are places that should be a safe place for me as well. It still took me a veeeery long time to dare to even enter any of these spaces because feeling like an impostor. And in my case it was definitely more of my own fear then people actually excluding me.
Although I hardly know any cis lesbians and the ones I got to know were friendly but clearly not up to dating trans/nb people. As you said yourself, the available dating pool is frustratingly small. I’ve also had various frustrating experiences with heteroflexible cis women (and even cis men). I guess mostly cis people are just very confused about me and their emotions towards me and in the end it always gets messy and I feel like shit because I feel like it would be so much easier if I were just a cis woman… :/
T4T is great and all, but we are just so few people and it’s hard to find anyone…
i think in this specific matter we shouldn’t wish to be cis but for cis ppl to be normal and overcome their subconscious transphobia, so that no one has to feel like an imposter or undesirable because of the sex they were born with. we arent at fault, its society
I feel you. I’m from Switzerland and there almost aren’t any lesbian spaces either in the place I live, but lots of FLINTA.
What actually made me struggle is that I’m currently live in an environment where a lot of people around me are bi girls. One of them has a friend who is a full-on lesbian and from her talking about her, she seems to be literally like me, except for her being cis.
At first I felt incredibly happy and even started crushing a bit, until I realized and remembered that well… I’m trans, she’s cis, if we ever get to know each other, that will likely become a problem, which subsequentally threw me into this pit of despair I’m currently in.
Before that realization I was incredibly excited to meet her, now I’m scared and feel like rather not meeting her even…
And yeah, you hit the nail in regards to t4t, even though there are some local transgirls around, the dating pool is so slim that there’s rarely a match, while the girls you do match with are living a lot of hours away. In regards to switzerland in particular, that’s proving to be an even bigger challenge, since any potential partners couldn’t move closer unless we marry (or unless I leave switzerland again, which I definitely couldn’t anymore). If I were mono that wouldn’t be too big of an issue, but obviously, I had to be born being polyamorous, which sucks even harder :/
Yeah, it’s just so frustrating. Although I guess dating in the digital age is hard and frustrating all by itself. But at least cishet people have a certain dating pool, not like us :/ I actually hardly know any trans women or trans feminine people IRL. The ones I do know I don’t really get along with. The only trans women I could bond with I only knee through online spaces. This makes it even harder for me (us) to face trans-specific issues. Dealing with internalized transphobia or just having a person who deeply understands what is going on inside of you because they face the same issues would sometimes help a lot…
Hm, maybe you could still get to know this friend and hope? Just because she is cis doesn’t necessarily mean she wouldn’t be into you. (At least two cis lesbians were into me at one point!) But maybe just try to keep your expectations in check and if you’re really lucky it’ll work out somehow ;)
And I feel you on being poly. I had a really great casual thing with a non-binary person but in the end they wanted to be exclusive and were searching for the one love. Unfortunately this wasn’t not for me…
Well yeah, I’ll give it a try nonetheless, but my expectations are incredibly low, since I doubt there might be anything happening… let’s see.
Gotta say though, long term does work out okay-ish as long as you’re reasonably close. My fiancee lives in northern germany, and even though visitting her takes aeound 10h by train, it’s doable ever so often an very great. Still, LDR sucks, since traveling back again leaves a deep hole :/
Good luck then!
And yes, I feel you, I had a LTR with someone from northern England. That wasn’t fun either, always feeling like shit when we could see each other only a few times per year :/
Unless you’re stealth-- and I mean voice, everything-- t4t is the only way. you’ll find “trans acceptance” is superficial.