Yeah I really wish. It’s just not going to happen though. I don’t go anywhere or do anything. I just sit around and shovel stimulation into the black hole inside myself at an unsustainable rate to try to distract myself from the fact that that’s all things will ever be for me, that’s all things ever can be for me. I’m so tired and I desperately just want to give up. Even when things are ok and my mood isn’t in the dumpster it hangs over me. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m sick of being a barely functioning human being. I’m just so tired and I want to turn it all off. There’s things that I would like to do or have or be, but they just aren’t going to happen. I’ll never have someone that cares for me. I’ll never be able to actually stick with a hobby I enjoy. I’d love to actually be a person I enjoy being, but THAT’S certainly never going to happen.

I can’t kill myself, because too many people still care about me. I wish people would forget about me so I could just leave. There’ll probably come a point when I’m too tired to care. Hard to tell when it’ll be.