Image text: @agnieszkasshoes: “Part of what makes small talk so utterly debilitating for many of us who are neurodivergent is that having to smile and lie in answer to questions like, “how are you?” is exhausting to do even once, and society makes us do it countless times a day.”

@LuckyHarmsGG: “It’s not just the lie, it’s the energy it takes to suppress the impulse to answer honestly, analyze whether the other person wants the truth, realize they almost certainly don’t, and then have to make the DECISION to lie, every single time. Over and over. Decision fatigue is real”

@agnieszkasshoes: “Yes! The constant calculations are utterly exhausting - and all under the pressure of knowing that if you get it “wrong” you will be judged for it!”

My addition: For me, in addition to this, more specifically it’s the energy to pull up that info and analyze how I am. Like I don’t know the answer to that question and that’s why it’s so annoying. Now I need to analyze my day, decide what parts mean what to me and weigh the average basically, and then decide if that’s appropriate to share/if the person really wants to hear the truth of that, then pull up my files of pre-prepared phrases for the question that fits most closely with the truth since not answering truthfully is close to impossible for me.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CvPSP-2xU4h/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

  • MadgePickles@lemmy.dbzer0.comOP
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    1 year ago

    Yes we understand that but the point is that ND folks don’t automatically know which version is appropriate. Our brains tend to go through an algorithm manually each time, where NT people are much more automatic like you’re suggesting. It’s like if someone with executive function issues like in ADHD and autism told you they struggle to remember things and you tell them to “Just write it down” or “just put it in a calendar 😀” as if this is some kind of new trick they haven’t thought of. This is one of hundreds of daily examples where ND people have to manually go through the mental list of appropriate social protocol that for NT is just somehow magically instinctual.

    The point of this post is to highlight one of the many ways that things are more difficult, challenging, exhausting, annoying, frustrating for ND people. This post was made in the autism community to commiserate with other ND people and discuss amongst ourselves, not to educate NT people.

    But since I am procrastinating at work and have the spoons, I’ll take a stab at helping you understand. But I would appreciate if you would recognize the imposition you make coming in asking to be educated.

    Imagine if for every thing you did all day you couldn’t remember how to do it or even what to do when and instead had to manually pull up a check list of steps to take to accomplish that thing, but also the pencil you used to write the list has been smudged so you can’t really read everything on the list, and when you wrote the list you misunderstood the instructions so the check list is unreliably correct. And the check list has sub points so if this then that, else this other thing. So every thing you need to do every day of your life instead of being automatically pulled up subconsciously by your brain and just done, you had to go through this list and figure out each step new each time.

    For ND people, to varying extents, this is how we live for real. And it adds up in impact, but we don’t get a break. And when you’re already overwhelmed and exhausted, each time you have to pull up the checklist and figure out what to do you get worse at it. And it’s stressful and embarrassing to have to check the list each time, especially because often times you mess it up because you can’t read every line clearly or you wrote it down wrong last time.

    There’s no solution, there’s no tips or tricks to help. There’s no medication to fix this problem or skills we can learn to make this problem go away. It’s how our brains are wired. We would rather live differently. But we live in societies that have chosen not to educate themselves about different neurotypes and refuse to accommodate any differences.

    Instead the “weird” guy at work who is too quiet but then goes off on a coworker because they didn’t follow some stated rule off the workplace, that everyone knows don’t actually matter even though it’s never been said out loud, and why does he have such a stick up his ass, what a loser let’s be mean to him now because he’s obviously not deserving of our understanding or respect for being such a weirdo.

    Or that coworker who wears headphones at her desk and is always calling out sick from work. I heard she asked to work from home, who does she think she is? how lazy can you get amirite? Something about being distracted by noise and The overhead lighting, she needs to suck it up! We all get by just fine, why can’t she? And we like chatting with each other over the cubicle walls, she needs to loosen up.

    • Zeth0s@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      I struggle to remember things a loooot, and actually a calendar with multiple notifications really helps. It’s a trick to overcome the struggle. Same way as I struggle to write by hand, so writing with a simple text editor (emacs, vscode) in full screen mode helps me a lot. Another trick that works

      I am old enough that adhd wasn’t even a thing where I come from, unfortunately.

      What I am trying to say is that there is an easy algorithm to apply in this case that can be implemented:

      if interlocutor.type in ("parent", "medical doctor"):
          return explain() 
      else:
          return "not too bad, and you?" 
      

      I am not saying this will help you or anyone, but this is the algorithm I use

      • SasquatchBanana@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        This comment is really condescending. Not only did OP explain how it is related to biology, they even used your examples to describe how there isn’t a skill or trick to “fix it”. On top of that, you decide to give (unsolicited) advice.

        This is an extremely typical experience most of us have. We try to explain something, and then we have a neurotypical ignore what was said and tell us how easy something is if we just do it THEIR WAY.

        • Zeth0s@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          Sorry, I didn’t thought it was condiscending tone.

          As a general experience if someone highlights a problem, other people replying with tricks on how they manage the same situation is not a problem. It is a way to chat as any other. That was my intention, just chat

          Understood, I recognize my ignorance btw. Sorry if anyone felt offended

      • MadgePickles@lemmy.dbzer0.comOP
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        1 year ago

        We all know what to say. Since you didn’t understand anything I just said I’m tapping out. Please don’t comment in here again until you’ve taken more time to read and listen and observe.

        • Zeth0s@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          Edit. I didn’t notice the community. This appeared on my “all” feed and I was just commenting as if it was any other thread.

          I am sorry if someone may have felt offended.

          I just wanted to casually chat, not judge, maybe help someone (who knows). I won’t be commenting further

          • MadgePickles@lemmy.dbzer0.comOP
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            1 year ago

            I apologize for my previous comment. It felt like you might be trolling and refusing to listen to explanations given to you by saying the same thing

          • redchlorophyll@lemmy.world
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            1 year ago

            You don’t need to apologize for an accident, man! Do you and comment as much as you want, it’s a free website. Don’t let this pickle person tell you what you can or can’t do