Hello, this is my first post on this account, I doubt anybody will even see this but I guess I’ll get right into it.
It all starts back in my junior year of high school, I remember I got a new lamp for my bedroom and it looked a lot like the one my grandmother had when I was younger. I was so in love with this feeling, that I now know is called nostalgia, that every weekend I would use the lamp instead of my main bedroom light to make it feel more like I was back at her house on the weekends. (I do it to this day)
For a while I started doing small things like this in addition to just the lamp, such as using old websites for the aesthetic or getting super into nostalgic music again. It’s funny looking back now and realising it ramped up as my depression worsened, but I digress. After I graduated school, to keep things short, my life was just hell. A big mess, started community college but dropped out, couldn’t get a job, ended up being kicked out by my dad over this and was homeless for a bit. This made my senior year of high school like a cutoff point for that nostalgia thing. I wanted for the longest time to either just die or go back in time. Eventually though, I managed to climb out of homelessness but not without ending up thousands of miles away with no friends or family nearby me. It’s been years since then, but I can’t help but think back and realise that ever since that day years ago where I finally made it back to a normal life, I’ve only made 2 new core memories really. One was going to a new state to see a dying family member after years to say my goodbyes, the other was going to the big city I had always dreamed of seeing in person when I was in high school since I actually live nearby now (alone, and ended up being disappointed with San Francisco in person).
Other than those 2 things, my life seems to just be a looping cycle of wishing I was back in those junior and senior year days. I don’t own a car because I feel like it’s the last “old-world” freedom I have left from those days so to speak. Avoiding the final step of growing up I guess. I have an attachment to the same anime characters who were essentially my only friends back then for a long time (I still spend a lot of time alone in my room too because I struggle to make friends). I still fight the urge to sleep so I can pull all nighters just to stay up to see the sunrise while gaming and feel something (I have a monster in the fridge to do it tonight). I take lots of time off of work this time of year just to feel like I have a summer vacation back. I still eat a diet of mostly instant noodles and other cheap shit because my grandmother was poor growing up and that’s mostly what we had for snacks, it brings me comfort.
maybe this is kinda pathetic to say but I just feel like at my current age I am lightyears behind people mentally. I don’t even feel like I’m an adult to be honest. I just want to keep barely working and playing games and staying up late forever, while at the same time wanting to go back in time and re-do the past to not end up this way ironically enough. I miss what old friends I did have terribly as well. I just long for the days where I was clueless about how the world works and was busy listening to Tyler the creator’s new album while walking to school.
I doubt anyone can relate, but on the off chance anyone else is impaired by nostalgia or stuck in the past, I salute you. it sucks
That’s quite an interesting problem to have. I’ve never been very prone to nostalgia myself, partially due to there not being that many good memories. Not sure how to express this in English… I don’t know how I would have handled the whole dropping out, unemployment, being kicked out and being homeless. Or if I would have handled it at all. I’m impressed.
The part I can actually relate to is “I just want to keep barely working and playing games and staying up late forever”, while also very much not wanting to be that way. (typing this at 5am) For myself, I’ve identified the likely problem to be that I no longer have any goals or dreams. There isn’t really anything I’d want to work towards, nothing I want to achieve. I can’t come up with anything either, so I’m kind of stuck in the present unable to look to the future, just trying to survive day at a time. Whenever I do think about future, I can only think about it in a negative way. I’m curious, how do you view future? Or do you have any leads as to how you might get out of your situation?
If online friends aren’t your thing, this won’t be of any use, but when it comes to making real friends online… Based purely on my personal experience, I’d recommend some kind of an online penpal site. The ones where people look to chat with people from other countries or speaking other languages, for example. Differences between countries and cultures give a lot of interesting stuff to talk about, and easily leads to deeper conversations. Especially helpful if there isn’t much going on in one’s day-to-day life. And people there are generally looking for actual friends, more so than in most other online communities. I’ve made most of my best friendships on sites like that. Some of them I’m still friends with a decade later. (I just now realized it has been that long… damn.)
The couple friends I have left actually are online now that you mention it, known em for about 7 years and don’t know what I would do without them. Also hello fellow night owl!
in regards to the future, I think you just cracked the case for me too. I don’t really have any hopes or goals for the future, just fear if anything (of aging nonetheless). This seems to line up with me just wanting to continue not giving AF while wishing I had a reason to, but the motivation is not there. I really appreciate this response, hoping the best for you over there. Its only 19:57 here but I’ll be thinking of you when the sun comes up at 5 :)
Hey buddy, I can tell you straight up that yes I can relate. I often get lost in my memories or nostalgia for my past self and it can be very very hard to get past it. My only suggestion can be what worked for me, therapy and the right medicine.
Therapist helped me work through the WHY of my thinking, and how to turn my mind around to more positivity and a self motivational mindset. Of course I still have bad days where I just cannot do that and that is okay, it’s normal and just part of the process.
Medication on the other hand helps me with my actual physiological issues with my mind. Many, but not all mind you, depressed people have real and actual physiological issues in their brains that need to be addressed. For me my brain is unable to or insufficiently able to keep serotonin flowing through my mind long enough for it to have any effect.
My medication thus prolongs the re uptake process, giving my brain longer to use the serotonin and therefore allows me to have a more stable mood.
My one thing I tell everyone about medicine of this kind though is for the love of God, do not decide for yourself “oh this isn’t working I’ll just stop taking it”. It can take MONTHS of the medicine in your system to see it’s full effects if any on your mental state, and once started these medicines need to be tapered off of slowly or else you’ll experience a fun little thing called “brain zaps” which lemme tell you are not fun. So please work with a doctor to find the right medicine for you, be it serotonin issues, dopamine issues, or any other brain chemicals, and follow their advice.
So please bud, seek professional help in both aspects. If money is a problem which is totally valid then please look into low cost and free clinics, there are many (in the US, only nation I can speak of personally) and the people there WANT to help you.
Hi there, thanks so much for your response. Sorry to hear that you are facing similar feelings. I have insurance, and I think therapy is actually fully covered under my plan. I never really considered medical help, maybe due to fear of feeling normal, I guess when I feel like this its comparable to some sort of warm embracing hug which is how I know I’m at “baseline” emotions. You seem to have really been helped by this process, maybe it is time I take a look into it as well.Thanks again so, so much for sharing your perspective. I appreciate it so much!
Hey, I absolutely get that - longing for a simpler point in life, where you didn’t have to worry about keeping yourself afloat or about the inequalities that the current world promotes. In fact - I want that feeling back too, where my biggest worries were if I had enough allowance left for sleepover snacks with my cousins and not if I have enough money left to pay bills or if I can get by with 3-4 hours of sleep at times.
While I am not ‘stuck’ in the past, I do believe that neither are you simply stuck inside the past, because you still pulled through some very tough times. In fact, how you ‘relive’ the good memories seem good enough (minus the diet, but I’m not exactly better), especially taking some time-out for that summer vacation/holiday feel - I get that.
I salute you too.
Never actually thought of it that way. Sounds like you have some nice memories yourself :) thanks a bunch for the response.
