Please read post for full context and be kind with me. Any help/input will be appreciated!
We met on a dating app several months ago during a hectic time for me but I wanted to ease back into dating after a bad break-up. Witty banter right away with us via text. He was a breath of fresh air, direct and candid especially when it came to the most dark and traumatic topics. Something about the way he texted me made him stand out and made me feel something. However, I had qualms because as much as I find a “bad boy” thrilling, I can’t say he’s my go-to type. He has been through more than anyone should in an entire lifetime: divorce and drug addictions run in the family, absent biological dad and malicious step-dad, grieving many losses, PTSD, and he himself was an alcoholic who tried various hard drugs for some time (he says no longer the case). He had to care for his siblings and be the bread winner early on. It’s not that I ever want to be judgmental or prejudiced, but I can’t help feeling at least somewhat anxious and afraid of making another dating mistake, this time with a man who’s already endured such complex pain. I am not sure if we are trauma-bonding, but I’m so scared if it is, as we’ve also already talked about my own parents’ dynamic (not the “normal” happy relationship either) and losing friends who couldn’t see the light.
With all this darkness, why do I feel so attracted? It’s how he has dealt with all of the setbacks, and the way he’s said things on his own accord that heal the most painful parts of my prior relationship with a narcissist. How he cared for his family, looked for his father, got past addiction. He consistently tells me the sweetest things and has already started calling me loving names whereas my ex refused to even months after becoming official, already asking me my birthday and wanting to make it special whereas my ex ignored me completely the day of my bday causing the breakup. He remembers the little things and is proactive with the big things - we’ve talked about our long distance, religion, politics, kids, hypothetical trips/travel. I’ve been love-bombed before, gaslighted, tricked, mocked, neglected. But I do not think he is love-bombing or desperate. He does double-text often and reply immediately each time, but does that necessarily label him “clingy” or that he just simply likes me? In the past, I wished my ex did that more.
I’m also drawn to his maturity. I wasn’t ready for his all-in mentality when we first met, so I actually had to step back, and he was sad but respectful of my decision. I had no idea but he recently told me it took him weeks to get over me, but that he never completely did. He sent a one-word text a month ago before moving to another state hoping to update me or even maybe meet for the first time in person. I was overwhelmed by everything on my plate and recently responded; now we’re texting nonstop and having calls for hours, letting it unfold naturally. He’s already told me he’s going exclusive with me and was sweet about me pulling away the first time. He said long distance may actually benefit us (I don’t think he means opportunity to cheat, but more so because I’m also moving within my current state and will need to be extremely busy which he seems okay with) and that I’m the only person he would move back for. We’ve openly discussed my trust issues and his fear around marriage but that he truly wants to settle down/have kids. We’re in the process of seeing when we can at least meet in person soon.
So taking all this in, I have questions for you all. Does he seem genuine in what he says and his intentions? Does he need too much self-work before entering a relationship? Is his past alarming or any red flags relating to his experiences? Are we trauma-bonding or am I overthinking/letting my own insecurities get in the way? How can we make long distance work when it’s starting off this way and even if he moves, I’m apprehensive about balancing everything with my intense new career role? During long distance, I won’t have much time to spare for visits until next year (but can meet up this summer) so should we keep it an open relationship or no label, even though that could bother me as I’d prefer exclusivity? Then again, we’ve both been searching for the right person and if not now, when? It may always feel like it’s not a good time because it’s always busy. Also, about trauma-bonding, aren’t we all bonding over some sort of shared trauma or struggle in order to build a deeper connection
Edit: Do any of your answers change if his PTSD is from serving as a veteran, not family related abuse (as far as he knows)?
The fact that you’re asking other people about this while being so concerned about all the red flags, is itself a red flag.
Think about it this way: If I wanted you to invest in some company, but I prefaced it with a long list of reasons why the company was really risky and not a wise choice to invest in, would you still invest your life savings into it?
I’ve known several people, men and women who dated somebody similar to your description, a tortured soul/bad boy or girl that was trying to get better. Do you know how many of them it worked out for? Zero, a zero percent success rate. Worse yet, all of them were hurt in the end by that person. It caused trauma, heartache, and in some cases, straight up abuse.
You shouldn’t get into a relationship with somebody who’s not fully healed. It is absolutely possible for people to heal from severe trauma and life circumstances, I’ve seen it happen. But until that happens, you shouldn’t get into a relationship with them. It’s a bad idea for both parties.
If they get therapy, work on themselves, become established, fix their issues, heal their wounds, and are like that for years consistently, then you can think about dating them. If they are truly on the right path, they will be completely fine with it working out or not at that time down the road.
If they aren’t alright with that, then it is a confirmation that they aren’t actually healed because they aren’t healthy enough to accept that happening. A mature and well-adjusted person is patient enough to wait, and mature enough to accept that different people’s lives sometimes go in different directions.
TL;DR Don’t do it. You almost certainly will end up hurt, worse off, and possibly even abused. You might also ruin their healing process unintentionally too.
Great analogy and points made, thank you. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel sorry for him and what he had to go through. But part of me knows I can’t subject myself to healing him, or myself alongside him. It’s too much all at once. One more thing, his PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?
Not really, accept that he definitely needs professional therapy from a licensed personal who is experienced dealing with that specific form of PTSD.
Remember, you aren’t his therapists, nor can you ever be, and trying to fill that role won’t be good for either person.
I had to learn this the hard way with a friend of mine who grew up with a very rough childhood. Lots of deep trauma, some pretty horrible stuff. I was trying to act like their therapist without intending it, and they started unintentionally treating me like a therapist.
It caused a lot of problems in our friendship and almost ended it actually. I had to eventually tell them, “I care about you, but I’m not your therapist, and I can’t ever be your therapist. You need professional help to deal with your trauma.”
Lots of space, no even hints of a relationship for a long time, (years). It takes a long time to heal from that level of trauma, and there isn’t anything wrong with that. If at the end of all that, he’s truly a new person, fully healed, and there is still a potential spark, then it’s a different situation.
But until then, And I do mean several years at least no relationship, trust me, you both will be better off.
PS, not sure if you’re also getting professional therapy, but if you can, do it. You very likely need it too, and I say that lovingly. I have received it myself and seen many people I know get helped by it.
Stay smart, stay safe, and best wishes.
Thank you so much for your input, a lot to think about. I think I will wonder about him from time to time and worry about his welfare. It’ll have to be from a distance. Stay well!