Tell me if any of you relate to my ramble:
I thought I was good at socializing. I can be quiet charming, actually. And I actually really love the linguistics of social interaction, both verbal and nonverbal, even though it trips me up a lot.
I’m stuck on the concept of using an apology as an opening. Like, “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply sooner” in an email. To me it’s not actually an apology, no one’s done anything wrong, and the other person isn’t even inconvenienced in this case. It’s just a polite greeting, a buffer before the actual content. But it’s awkward when they reassure me I don’t need to apologize, which I already know. Even though I’m aware that’s just a “correct” way to reply to an apology in as casual a manner as I gave it. It’s just like a mutual acknowledgement that unexpected time has passed.
So I think, look how much I know about weird unspoken social rules! I can’t actually be autistic, right?!
As if laying in bed deliberating the off-label use of apologies in conversational transition and filler, while mentally rehearsing an email I hope to write tomorrow and puzzling over the least important but most concerning part (the greeting) isn’t autistic as hell.
No, no, the frequent sensory overload and nonverbal shutdowns have no weight here.
Anyway, thanks for reading and happy stimming!
Edit: I’m okay on the wording/apologizing thing and don’t need advice (though I appreciate the effort all the same)! I wrote this post oddly but the point was imposter syndrome about autism and the apology thing was just an example.
The frequent over apologizing was a thing I had issues with as well. I focused on stopping because I realized it can be negative for those you communicate with.
Apologies are hard to reply too. So if your apologizing all the time your are putting a burden on them to acknowledge it. This can strain communication over time.
Also, like other things, overuse of apologies weakens them. If your a little more picky about when to apologize it will make them more genuine. This is also why I avoid yelling and cursing. So when I do those things, the expression has some potency.
Lasty it’s unprofessional in written communications. This is probably a more controversial opinion. But for the reasons above and because it can make your communication less concise. In the professional environment being clear and concise is more important then being polite. (Though you still need to be polite).
The added bonus is that doing this will make you sound more confident.
So if your apologizing all the time your are putting a burden on them to acknowledge it. This can strain communication over time.
This is very important. While unintentional, asking for sympathy at the start of and during every interaction is leaving less room for polite criticism, and less room for people to express annoyance without being an asshole.
I completely agree. This is why I was agonizing over the email! The whole “It seems polite to say it” vs. “I must avoid needless apologies.”
For the times I feel tempted to over-apologize out of insecurity or shame, my favorite apology replacement strategy is saying thanks instead.
“Thanks for waiting” instead of “Sorry that took so long.”
It’s been recommended on here a few times but I’m finding that Goblin tools the judge tool is pretty good. If thats not cutting it I just have chat gpt do the whole letter. I’d generate one from scratch or have it make my existing letter “more readible” and ask it to be “less wordy”.
I am also quiet charming. Mostly by being unspoken.
(silent appreciation for this comment)
To me it’s not actually an apology
Then stop doing it. An apology is for when you did or could have fucked something up. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply sooner” means you are aware of a deadline involved for the other party and that deadline may have been fucked by your untimely response.
when they reassure me I don’t need to apologize
This means there was either no deadline involved or the deadline did not pass or nothing was fucked as a result. Also means that you may have incorrectly assumed information about the existence or properties of a deadline.
Knowledge and skill level can be divided approximately by degree and type of brainpower used. In this manner, Unconscious Use > Conscious Use.
Think about it this way: You’ve blocked everything out so you can dice an onion perfectly. If one thing distracts you, the dicing is gonna get fucked. Meanwhile, Sous Chef-san can dice an onion with his eyes closed and yelling at the new guy because he’s about to dump the wrong spice into the soup. Who one do you think is better at chopping onions?
Memorization is not learning. Learning is the ability to cross-reference information, and intelligence is the ability to select the appropriate knowledge to apply for the situation.
I don’t think “Sorry is only for actual apologizing” is how everyone communicates, though. It’s a nicety or etiquette thing the same way people ask “How are you?” as a greeting without expecting—or wanting—a genuine answer.
I would prefer not to over-apologize or have a polite nicety misunderstood because it’s awkward, but sometimes it also feels necessary for masking reasons.
But while misleading, my post was about doubting my own autism while spending a disproportionate amount of brainspace on how to write a greeting in an email.
