I’ve been fighting off writing this for a while now. I even considered making a throwaway for it, but I guess if its too embarrassing I can delete it.
I’ve sorta come to accept I’m bi in recent years, and I am wondering how I should go about dating and courtship in regards to dating within my same sex (male). Especially since I find femininity to be a key attraction point. I also haven’t dated or had sex in like, three years or more. Its been a while, I kinda stopped caring for myself and focused on work, I am slowly trying to become an interesting person again, get back in shape but its hard. I dunno, man. I’m in my mid-30s and I am trying to figure out what I want out of the world. There’s a bit of lust involved. And I definitely need a hug at the very least.
Furthermore, I live in the Southern part of the US, and the amount of trans hate has me actively wanting out of here (I’m aiming for Colorado) and dating in this part of the Southeast is already difficult as is, in my prior experiences.
How does one navigate this kind of world after coming out? How do I deal with the stigma especially since in the states, there’s a renewed interest in putting people back in the closet?
First of all: congratulations on coming out!
I think it might be easiest to start by trying to go to LGBT/gay-friendly clubs or parties and try to get comfortable with the idea of flirting or getting to know likeminded people in general. I am from the EU so I can’t speak for the US but here almost all of these gatherings are open for straight people too so don’t hesitate to bring a friend along who you feel comfortable around. In a location like that you can be sure that it’s not because of your sexual orientation if advances fail and get comfortable to be in contact with other men that like men.
Disregarding sexual orientation, as a 30something year old myself I can confidently say that I know only very few people that seem to have figured stuff/life/anything out and to be honest I think they just hide their insecurities better. My general experience with people is that everybody is anxious and it’s actually a good ice breaker to admit your own fears and insecurities.
I wish you pleasant experiences (:
*Edited a spelling error out
I don’t have any useful advice on your specific question. I’m replying to say only two things.
You’re probably going to struggle with this and you might feel like you’re doing it wrong because you can’t figure it out easily enough. Let it feel weird. Let it take as long as it takes. Let it be a struggle. Don’t make it worse by telling yourself a story like there’s something wrong with you because you’re struggling to figure it out.
And hug.
Peace.
It’s hard to delete from the fediverae, FYI
Hey I had to do this same kinda thing after realizing men are hot in my late 20’s. Do you have LGBT friends? Hang out with them. Ask them to invite you to other queer hang outs, events, etc. Ask them to take you dancing. There’s something so completely euphoric about dancing in a gay friendly club where you can feel comfortable being you. Go to the gay bars! They’re fun. Get on the dating apps and aim for making queer friends first and foremost. They work far better for meeting new friends than dating. I didn’t care for Grindr, personally, but if you’re just horny, it’ll do its job.
The dating aspects will all come together after you make a bunch of gay pals and just start existing in queer spaces. And remember, every confident person you meet there was once in your shoes! Don’t be embarrassed to ask questions on how to do things, just like this, we alllll been there!
And congratulations!! It may seem scary now, but you’re about to have a lot of fun.
I found dating apps may be helpful. I’m personally partial to romeo as I trust it most in terms of privacy over grindr.
I’m not a person who goes out a lot to parties or dancing.
There’s also HER, or Hinge, or Bumble (latter’s not necessarily queer focused though, using queer here as a shortterm for lgbtq+. But it’s friendly).
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Big hug.
Unfortunately I cannot help directly as I’m a cis male that has lived in NYC, LA, and SF Bay Area the last 25 years.
Even in progressive locations there are establishments that are not. I suggest trying to find places you would be comfortable in. That may be a gym, coffee shop, or bar. Make conversation and get a feel for the place.
There is a local dive bar I frequent that is very LGBTQ friendly. Last night my wife and I talked to a transsexual woman (she shared this info) for almost an hour about what happens to donated body parts. She then took off to her friend’s place.
From Texas, also gay AF. If it’s lust, try an app. Find a chill dude who’s ok with your speed and your experience, work your way up to stuff. Or if you’re less timid, there are plenty of guys that are really into no strings attached.
As far as dating? Surely there is a gay bar within 30 miles at least. That’s a decent start. If not, go do things you like doing. Watch out for any guys you fancy giving you eyes. Worst case scenario, you made a friend. Can’t do socializing stuff or are big groups intimidating? Well, at least you can chat with a few interesting people in your area on apps to see what the local scene is like.
If you can help it? Move to the biggest city in your state. Or fully out of the south? Lol. Idk. I’m trapped in Texas.
Edit: Also, having a dog/plants attracts some of the more stable guys. Lol. All the hotties like a Plant and/or Dog Daddy.
I dont have any advice, but this is well written, i like how you phrased things and i hope you find your person/people/hug. Good luck.
I don’t really have any advice. I’m just here for the hugging. But good on ya, dude! Go with it!
I’m from CO and dating here is terrible. It wasn’t so bad in my 20s, but doing it in my 30s has been almost entirely shit to the point that I’ve given up, and so have a lot of other people. I love the state, don’t get me wrong, but it’s expensive and the single men seem to have formed some kind of mediocrity pact. The last woman I dated went from witchy pagan to hijab-wearing Muslim convert for a man she’d met in person once, so I haven’t had better luck on the queer scene either.
That said, joining queer spaces wherever you end up is a good way to dip your toes in the water without feeling the pressure that an explicitly dating-oriented site/activity might cause. Join clubs, go to bars, whatever. If you meet someone that way, it’ll likely feel a lot more natural.
I wish you luck!
Not homosexual, but have noticed that all of my friends in same sex relationships have gotten together via apps. This is in Australia though, so the culture may be quite different from the US.
Sorry as I know im way not a good source as im not bi or gay but I always thought it was kinda the same. Go to bars/clubs or meet people at clubs and such. Just storta talking. I live in a city though so might be more prevalent places or such.
